A
male
age
36-40,
*risport1984
writes:I have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for 10 months now. I'm in my early 30s, she is in her late 20s. We both live in the same city but for the past 6 months I've been traveling off and on to Asia. I am typically home for about 8 days before returning back for about 13. It was very doable the first 3-4 months but it has since started to take it's toll. I am currently on my last trip to Asia, just five days from returning home for good. I could tell something was on my girlfriend's mind the past few days and, when I asked her today, she started to cry and said that she thinks something's missing in our relationship. This hit me like a ton of bricks because I was just telling a friend the other day that our relationship (when I'm in town) is 95% great. There are of course times when we get on each others' nerves but that happens and it is typically when I am still jet lagged.I insisted that we not make any decisions until I get back but I'm 100% distracted - can't stop thinking about this. She is one to worry and even sometimes has anxiety. She questions her career direction, going to grad school, past relationships (which is why they never worked out), whether she will be a good mom, etc. I'm not sure if it is relevant as a reason or excuse, but I am hoping that this is just another worry of hers and we can move past it. I am not looking to be told that she doesn't love me and this is just an excuse for her because I know she truly does love me. During our call she told me that she truly loves me and feels lucky to be dating me. I don't know how to take this or what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, devont  +, writes (13 July 2015):
 Maybe she thinks something is missing because it is, you need to talk to her to find out what.
I would recommend reading about the five languages of love, it might be that you are expressing your love in different ways, and so she feels something isn't quite right.
I think you did the right thing by asking her to wait for you to come back. She might just be missing your presence and when you're back together everything will go back to normal. It might be that she's just anxious about the relationship and on a path of self sabotage so she doesn't get hurt.
It might be something you can fix, or you need to accept that it might not be. Sometimes, two people can get along and love each other, but are not be meant to be together in a relationship. You need to accept her decision if she decides she can't get over whatever is missing.
All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): Firstly, I want to make it clear that this is just my personal experience.
I was with this guy four five years and we lived together for four - he was cute and smart and funny and we got on really well, there is no question that I loved him. I thought that we would probably spend the rest of our lives together, but part of me often thought that something was missing, and when other people asked when we were going to get married, I'd think to myself "What if we get married and then I meet the man I'm REALLY supposed to be with?"
I cannot pinpoint exactly what was wrong or what was missing. But I found myself becoming more and more discontented with the relationship. He went away for six weeks for work and we spoke everyday on the phone, but I literally had the best time without him being there. Not with another guy or anything, just enjoying my own company and going out with friends etc. Nothing was actually WRONG in our relationship, so I ploughed on and stayed with him for another three years after that, even though looking back, I really wish I'd left at that point, as that was probably the point of no return in our relationship.
We stayed together for so long because I loved him and I didn't want to hurt him. Whenever I'd try and talk to him about something not being right, he'd say it was something we could work on and so we'd work on it. But it's hard to work on something when you don't even know what it is. Eventually we broke up, not for any big reason, just because.
A year or so later I met my now boyfriend and everything is different. Whatever was missing with my ex is there with my boyfriend. I can't even explain it other than to say that I have no doubts whatsoever about my feelings for my boyfriend.
Make of my story what you will.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 July 2015):
Maybe relationship counseling would be a good idea
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (13 July 2015):
I don’t think it’s an excuse, but what you need to do is try and push her towards actually telling you what it is. I think this conversation should wait until you are home as it should be done face to face. The reason for this advice is that it’s hard to tell whether there is a real problem that she can point to, or whether this is just her destructive tendency to doubt and question everything. Some people always wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side. IF they’re in a relationship, they wonder if they were better off single. If they pick one person, they always wonder what would happen if they’d not left their ex. You get the picture. Others are fatalists and expect things to go wrong to such an extent that they’re constantly preparing for it. You will break my heart eventually, I know it.
I don’t know if either of these descriptions are at all accurate of your girlfriend, but in either case, what might be missing is that self-assurance that this relationship is right. She feels strongly that it is, and she is happy, but she wants some kind of sign or confirmation to validate those feelings. So if she can’t point to what it is, try asking her whether she feels anxious, uncertain or somehow not reassured. If that is the case, there is no quick fix, as she is the block to her own peace of mind. But you can at least support her to see that it may be the patterns of her own thinking that make her feel there’s something missing. What you are conscious of, you find easier to control or try to put to the back of your mind, especially with a supportive partner.
I wish you all the very best.
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