A
male
age
41-50,
*isenchantedMan
writes:Hello!I'm 38.Me and my wife (42) have been married for 9 years now.We were in an on/off relationship for quite awhile before we settled down-we were at odds all the time which led us to break up and then get back together.The longest we've been apart was a month and a half.It was a seriously bad period for both of us.It happened a long time ago but we didn't talk on the phone,we dated other people briefly to try to move on from one another.We ended up making up and getting back together because a good friend of ours helped us realize we were meant to be.Ever since that point on life's been quite easier for us and our relationship's grown significantly.We've had little arguments and stuff but nothing serious like before.We haven't once broken up.We've both matured I presume.The other day we were looking to spice up our sex life,try out new positions and stuff.What I wanted of her was a blowjob as she'd never done that to me before.She refused saying she didn't want it because she wasn't into that type of things.I felt like she was afraid to do it as to the best of my knowledge she'd never given head before so I hugged her,gently stroked her head and told her that she wouldn't let me down even if it was not the best blowjob ever as nobody does it well the first time and there always will be a first time.Her response shocked me.She said she'd done it before.I got a bit sad and asked her when.She said:Remember that time when we were apart for a month and a half...I frequently blew my boyfriend at the time.This response hurt me.She didn't cheat or anything like that but because I have feelings for her....she immediately asked me if i was ok and started reminding me that it was all in the past etc. I eventually came to terms with it but she still refuses to blow me and when I ask her why she goes:I don't like it. Then I go:then how could u do it for someone else u didn't even love...then she goes:that has nothing to do with love I can't believe u associate it with love....I really don't know how to cope because the fact that she'd do this for someone else but not for me-the man she claims to love eats me up.I love her but she doesn't understand how I feel,she won't walk a mile in my shoes.What should I do?
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (17 January 2016):
Did she exactly say "it was frequently" with this guy? Was this guy her very first blowjob? Was this guy only?I make this questions because it is possible she tried it and she didn't like it. Then you could be upset about not being the one she used to try it. But then, there's nothing else if she doesn't like this.In the other hand, if this is one of those "I don't do that with you, but I do it with someone else" I agree janniepeg. And I think you have the right to be all upset about this.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 That's the thing. She can only blow a guy she doesn't love. I tend to be wary of people who behave like a totally different person when it comes to casual sex partners versus husbands.
Technically you do not have a right to be upset but I feel many people would be. You may interpret it as, "you are not sexy, you are a good partner and I don't look at you as a sexual being but a provider."
Um, I don't think you can compare fellatio to trying bungee jumping, exotic cuisine, or ice stating. It's not painful like anal sex. Fellatio is not something you try and never do again. So I don't think I can accept that "no longer interested" reason. If she got with a hot guy, she would blow him.
I would not conclude that she has no respect for men. More likely she believes she has to behave a certain way, naïve, inexperienced in front of husbands. When she's single, that's when the sexy kitten comes out. I think you both have a different view of how spouses behave. It's more of her not being able to open up and being worried of judgment. This hang up of hers is stronger than her will to make you happy. She was surprised a good husband like you can ask for something so vulgar like oral sex. Then she felt inadequate that she couldn't do it to you, so she told you she blew the guy frequently as a defense that she was able to. Yes she's that clueless.
A woman's sexuality is destroyed when it was suppressed and then she uses it in wrong places, when sex is supposed to be enjoyed with your beloved one. You can try role playing (imagining you are both having an affair with each other) and explain to her that while fellatio has nothing to do with love, it can be expressed with love and it can connect you both in a deep way. Now that's the right reason. The wrong reason being that guy had it and therefore you must have it too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): There is only one way to explain how this makes you feel that women will understand. This way works. No other way will do any good whatsoever:Pretend your GF had always wanted you spend more money and effort taking her out on romantic nights on the town. Fancy restaurants, dancing, etc. You never wanted to do those things with her. You said you weren't comfortable with it. Then you break up, do all those things for some other woman, then get back with your GF, and refuse to do it with her again. Now your GF technically has no right to demand more things from you just because you once did them with someone else. But any idiot can understand why she will feel very slighted if you keep refusing her.Are you entitled to BJs now? No. But you are within your rights feeling hurt and rejected over it. To put it bluntly, she is showing you where you rank. She is sending you the message that you are worthy of less relationship effort than the other guy was. She probably won't admit it but actions speak louder than words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): I don't see how you associate getting a blowjob with love either. I think you're jealous and picking another fight.
Grow-up! If she doesn't want to give you a blowjob, why are you making this an issue in your marriage? You have now created yet another impasse in your relationship; so you're back to square one. If you'd simply leave it alone; she may come around and decide to do it for you, voluntarily.
Instead; you're forcing the issue, and making it a battle of wills. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to do something for me, only because they did it for someone else. I consider what we do just between us, and nobody else matters. You were broke-up at the time. What doesn't make sense,is how you break-up within a marriage without a divorce; and just decide "okay, lets get back together!"
Seriously?!!
Pass on the blowjob, and enjoy sex. You can live without a b.j.; and the only reason it's an issue is jealousy, and your bruised ego. She did it then, but doesn't want to do it now. You've never tried something in the past that you don't like to do now?
Man-up and make your marriage work. Treat it like it is supposed be treated. It's a serious institution, you took vows to forsake all others, it's something mature individuals do; and it takes work to keep it going.
Some guys don't like to do cunnilingus, and some women don't like performing fellatio. It doesn't mean they don't love their partners, it means they don't like performing oral sex. Get that into your head and stop pressing the issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): It may be possible that over nine years ago before you were married, she engaged in blow jobs as she was willing to try it and perhaps liked it, but at this stage in your marriage of nine years, she is rather sure she wouldn't like it and won't even give it a try. People change and their sexual appetites and attitudes change. She has a different relationship with you and therefore, a different sexual attitude. You might gently suggest easing into it with foreplay and making her feel loved and cherished through out the day. Try slowly integrating this sex act into your lives by being attentive to her wants and needs. She may also have a sex act she wishes to integrate into your lives. Be patient, many women change their attitudes about many things. Good luck, Snookie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): Does she like sex, cut her off, act like you don't like sex any more with her, let her see you do your self, tell her you are thinking about an ex giving you head, tell her when you are having sex, to enjoy it, you have to think about another woman
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A
female
reader, Ormskirk360  +, writes (16 January 2016):
 It doesn't matter how many times she has done it, or who with. She has told you that she doesn't like it.
The question should not be why won't she do something for me when she loves me; rather, why are YOU asking her to do something she has told you she dislikes, if you allegedly love HER?
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