A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I recently started dating an amazing guy, everything has been great and we are thinking about getting married. While talking about our pasts he found out that up until the day I met him I was still friends with an ex boyfriend. The latter is someone that I had an affair with while he has been married. I knew this guy before he was married and We were best friends. He got married and we remained friends but had affairs then. He moved out of state with his wife and I started dating other people because I realized that he was just lying to me about leaving his wife and would have never done it. Throughout the years we kept in touch and when we met in business meetings we slept together. This happened three times and only happened when I was single. While in relationships I only talked to him if he intiatited it. The issue is every time I broke up with my ex boyfriends I started talking to him again and we got back together. This was not about sex at all,he was someone who knew me really well and was always there when I needed advice or help with something. I have told my current boyfriend everything about the affairs and he is extremely worried that because I've kept the ex in my life for many years that if we were toget married and things go wrong, I would go back to the man that I had affairs with. I know that I will never do that because when I met this guy I texted the married guy and told him that I met someone amazing and I want to be with him and give him my all. The married man said that he would let me go for good this time and never talk to me again. Since I've been with my current boyfriend the married man never crossed my mind. I really have never thought about him at all and even if I have issues with this guy I woudk never go back to him. I made a decision to close that door forever. I absolutely love my current boyfriend and I'm planning on relocating for him abroad, quitting my job and leaving my whole life in the US to be with him overseas. The issue is he cannot trust that I will never talk to the married guy again in the future. He had ex girlfriends who got back with their exes and he is afraid I would do the same when things get rough between us. He has told me that in order for me to be with him I have to tell the married guy's wife that I had an affair with her husband because she deserves to know. This will close the door with the married guy forever and he would hate me for doing it. Also he played me for years and lied to me and deserves to be exposed. His wife also needs To know how big of a cheater he is. I need advice about what to do, should I tell the wife? I honestly don't think of the married man at all and I don't care how his marriage is going nor do I want to create problems for his wife. If I don't do this, my current boyfriend will leave me despite all the other sacrifices Im willing to make to relocate abroad and start a life with him. Please help me make a decision here. Should I tell the wife? There is no way I can convince my current boyfriend that I will never get back to this guy and if I lose him I will be devasted because he means the world to me. I have never loved someone as much as I love him and I truly want to clean my past and prove to him that I have indeed moved on.Thanks a lot
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affair, best friend, broke up, ex girlfriend, got back together, married man, moved out, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 First, the affair you had with the married guy, although really bad, does not in any way involve your BF therefore he has no claim on how it should be handled. In other words, he cannot determine how that affair is to be handled, therefore, even though your BF insists you tell his wife, to me, that is just howling in the wind, because the whole affair is none of his business, but your.
Therefore, if you wanna tell the wife then do it. And conversely, if you don't wanna tell then that is how it should be.
On the other hand, your BF does have a right to examine your sexual past and rightly so, he has concluded that there is a married guy out there who is a threat to the fidelity of his woman. Your claim that you will "never" go with the married guy is just a claim, words that can be reneged right after the first fight you two may have. Your word is frankly not that strong against the pattern of your past behavior.
Therefore, your BF wants that guy gone for good so he figures that by permanently polluting your relationship with the married guy it will be assured that in the future he may never want to see you.
But who is to say that wrecking someone's marriage is the way to get his marriage in order?
Therefore, if you don't want to tell his wife, then don't. Ask your BF what else is there to assure that your connection with your married "standby" can be severed permanently. If nothing, then I'm afraid you'll just have to let the chips fall where they may, and perhaps next time, not dwell into your sexual past if you have decided to make a permanent break from it.
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (17 January 2016):
Your past is always going to chase you, isn't it? - I'm kind of sure the you will get back to this friend of yours as soon as you have a mayor issue with your current boyfriend. And obviously he thinks the same. Even when you feel 100% sure you wont. That being said I don't think telling his wife about this is going to change anything. And will only ruin a marriage. Your friend's marriage is his business and your boyfriend's distrust is your business. Your boyfriend is not going to trust you even if you do what he's asking now.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (16 January 2016):
I'm another person who's in favour of NOT saying anything to the wife. I agree with all the other posters advice.
Would you even be considering this if your boyfriend hadn't suggested it or would you still be "friends" with your ex? this is your boyfriend's problem with trust which he needs to fix himself.
And I'd like to point out how flawed your boyfriend's logic is. He doesn't trust you when you say that you are not interested in maintaining any contact with your ex? He wants you to tell the wife so your ex will hate you and never contact you again (and thus not be a threat to him), right? What would he do if your ex wasn't married but just an FWB or casual boyfriend that you'd been still occasionally sleeping with up until you two met. How would he ensure that you'd never contact each other again then? Spread nasty rumours about you? Hire a hit man?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2016):
 Let me be very direct with you here.
You think by hurting the wife and telling the wife you can save your own relationship? DO I read this right?
Because you don't really give a crap about that wife, not now and certainly not back then when you willingly slept with a man you KNEW was married, so stop with the sanctimonious crap of doing it for HER. You are not.
IF you want to convince the current BF that the ex is IN the past and you have no intentions of going back to him - you block the ex completely from your life. No facebook, friends, block and delete his number, no following each other on Instagram or where ever. If he can't accept that... telling the wife of the ex-married lover will NOT make him trust you any more than he is right now.
It's not up to your NEW BF to decide how this should be handled. I guess he want the affair out in the open because it "might" make the ex-married man stay far far away from you because you ruined his marriage by all of a sudden stepping forward.
EITHER your BF will trust you in this or he won't. Telling the wife honestly won't make a difference.
How callous of the both of you.
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A
female
reader, Honest-Lu +, writes (16 January 2016):
No - do not tell his wife! If your boyfriend doesn’t trust you then he shouldn’t be marrying you, sorry but its true! I don’t see why telling the wife would make things better, he still isn’t going to trust you. If you tell the wife, who says the married man won’t come ‘running’ to you, and your obviously weak for him and he knows this. If he haven’t bothered with you since you have told him your with your new boyfriend then leave it as that. Your boyfriend has some serious trust issues!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): If your relationship with this married man continued on for years, don't you see how your boyfriend believes you might just go back to your old ways the minute this guy crosses your path again? You may even cheat on him? I think he's challenging your credibility, and questioning your character. Even if you told the man's wife, he still wouldn't trust you. This is an male-ego issue.
The problem is, you crossed the boundary-lines of a marriage; and only wanted what you wanted. You had no respect for the marriage, his wife, or yourself. So how can he trust you? You couldn't see the wrong in what you were doing, and worst of all; you didn't care.
Well, the cat's out of the bag with your boyfriend. The damage is done. I don't think you should bother the wife.
Your problem is your boyfriend. That has nothing to do with that man's wife.
I think you have met your karma, and you'll simply have to work things out to gain your boyfriend's trust; without hurting or attacking the other woman to safe what you have. What went around, has now come around. The devil get's his due.
If you're wise, you won't go near that woman. You have nothing to gain by hurting her. She has done nothing to you. I don't care what your boyfriend does. If he leaves, he leaves. He'll probably do it, whether you tell the wife or not. He feels vindictive towards the man you had the affair with. Destroying his marriage is just plain nasty and unnecessary. It won't prove a thing. He doesn't like the fact you had an affair with a married-man, or another man...period! It changes how he sees you now. That's "his" issue.
The man who has mended his ways and has now gone back to his wife, should be left alone. You should leave his wife out of your issue with your jealous and vindictive boyfriend. Get a new boyfriend, and keep your business about your past affair to yourself next time.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 January 2016):
 I don't blame your boyfriend for not trusting you. You have a somewhat loose morality which apparently allows you to sleep with this married man on an ad hoc basis.
I certainly don't think it would help his wife by admitting this. It could kill her marriage stone dead. I don't think you should do that just to clear the path for yourself and your new boyfriend.
Tell him you will no longer be seeing this man and he needs to trust you. If he can't grant you this he probably will never trust you. It's a clean start or nothing. Will he accept your word? It's as much a test for him as you. I hope you can both ride happily into the sunset together.
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