A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently got engaged to my partner and we have been living together for the past 6 months.Over the course of living together I have found she is a real knit picker and i'm feeling like anything I do is never good enough, even when I do what I can to help, house chores, cooking, cleaning etc plus working a full time job. It's getting to the point I start doubting myself and my abilities. I have tried a number of approaches.Some have worked until I do something else and she picks the flaws out of that please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): Be careful. If you have already raised this with her on more than one occasion, then she knows she has hurt you and she should have stopped doing it.
Hate to use the word abuse, but in my book, if I have told someone a few times that their behaviour/words have hurt me and they agree to stop, then it is abusive and downright disrespectful to repeat the hurtful stuff. I was with someone on and off for a couple of years who did this. He did all the cooking and cleaning and I worked full time, but as I got to know him better, when we actually lived together for six months, I realised how subtly nasty he could be. He would tell me I put a pan away "incorrectly" in the cupboard, that I left a mess for him in the kitchen when he clearly had told me to leave the washing-up until the next day, make snide remarks about me not doing other stuff correctly. That was the tip of the iceberg, I can tell you and it only got worse with time.
He also took huge liberties with my finances and felt a sense of entitlement to them because he was "running the household". After catching him taking more money out of my account than he had told me and random money going missing from my savings, with him denying it all of course, and the nit-picking escalating to problems with my body, my attitude and my appearance, I told him to sling his hook.
Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Don't rush into this for your own sanity!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 January 2015):
 You have had the talk, she knows how you feel, you had the talk again, next time the nit picking starts, look her in the eye, say her name to ensure you have her attention, and firmly ask "do you really want to start nit picking"? and if she doesn't stop start packing your bags. It might be the wake up call she needs. Under no circumstances if she continues to nit pick, should you get married or have children.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (8 January 2015):
First things first: this will only get worse when you get married. Right now you're not compatible enough to get married.
Try going to couple's counseling to see if you can figure out how to live together without hating each other.
If you can't, don't get married. People don't realize how critical compatibility is to a happy marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): I say take a step back, you're about to spend the rest of your life with this person you should feel comfortable and happy living with her. Talk to her tell her how you're feeling. Maybe marriage isn't the right path right now
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (7 January 2015):
Thanks for your follow-up i read it with great interest.Its good that you had an open chat with her on this matter and as you stated you had chat at other times as well and then she went back to her to her old self .I HOPE ITS WORKS OUT FOR YOU BEING TREATED IN A FAIR WAY.However if her behaviour does not change.Be positive and think of your future.because if she continued the way she is towards you .Well the love you have for her would go out the window,So thread with care and be positive.Best Wishes NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2015):
 I think getting engaged and married in NOT the right move for you two, not as things stand.
I have OCD. I like things JUST SO. And it is hard to see others do things (even as simple as folding a towel) if it's NOT done to my liking. I seriously have to bite my tongue, BUT I DO bite my tongue because I know whomever is folding them (hubby or kids) are doing it to help out and HELP is always APPRECIATED.
My husband used to "suggest helpful" things while I cook dinner. He doesn't mean to say I'm not doing it right, or that he can do it better - it is HIS way of "helping" even if it's NO help at all. I DID take offense (like you) but I didn't continue, I stepped back and suggested that HE JUST take over. Now that was NOT his intend. So he learned fairly fast to LET me do things MY way or DO them himself.
It's NOT you. She is set in her ways, and sees her "nit picking" as "helpful criticism". What I would suggest is that you listen to what she has to say, see if there is ANY validity in her advice - is what she is saying ACTUALLY useful? Does it make the chore easier or results better? If not, then bring it up that if she wants things done a certain way, she is welcome to do them herself. See if she responds to that by realizing what she is doing is shooting herself in the foot or not.
I bet you are doing a good job. It can also be as simple as her feeling like YOU are doing those chores because you don't think she is capable or good at them. So TALK. Find compromises.
Every Sunday hubby cooks brunch. It's standard around here. He USED to cook bacon in a frying pan, eggs in oil (eww) and he used to deep fry hash-browns. I cook bacon in the oven (less fat, nicer crisp), I use spay oil to cook eggs (minimize the grease/oil) and I oven bake hash-browns/sausage too. (for same reason). About a year ago I did the brunch cooking as it was his birthday that Sunday, and guess what? He noticed how I cooked the bacon (and didn't comment), noticed how I fried the eggs and made the hash-browns/sausages - and realized MY methods were not only yielding a better result, but also a healthier one. So now, THAT is how he cooks Sunday Brunch.
What I mean with that story is, YOU (and her) HAVE to find a way to accept that YOU (and her) have different ways of doing things. Doesn't mean EITHER of you are "wrong" or that things can ONLY be done one way. (hers or yours).
My guess is her mom is rather domineering? And hen pecked her constantly when living at home and when she first moved out? She has learned to do things ONE, but not really KNOW why that way is better, it JUST IS. (no, not rally - but you get my drift).
Put the engagement or at least the wedding/marriage on hold. It's ONLY been 6 months living together and YOU haven't seen a 1/2 of who she is and she hasn't seen an 1/2 of who you are. Living together is a (IMHO) good thing before marriage, because it DOES give you (and her) a better picture of HOW you do things, how you LIKE thing and HOW well you work together.
In the end if she CAN NOT stop doing this, YOU will have to decide if that is acceptable or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response everyone. I have been talking to her about her about how her behaviour makes me feel she says she says she has issues with the fact of previous partners then have being alone for so long and doing things her way she doesn't think before she speaks. I did tell her as nicely as I could that I'm not other guys and that she isn't alone any more that she needs to be more thankful as I am a fair person. But I have had this conversation before and it always reverts back too the knit picking. Maybe this time I got the message across, as I took a stance and told her I wouldn't continue being treated the way she treats me.Thanks for all your advice. It has been a major help.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 January 2015):
 When you say you help out around the house...do you take charge of doing the chores, or do you wait for your wife to tell you??? If you wait until your wife tells you to do something, then you are not doing your job as man or soon to be husband. You have heard of the term "Man Of The House" Right? So if your wife has to tell you to do certain chores, who is being the man??? The man of the house does what needs to be done, without his wife having to nag him, and then he helps his wife to accomplish everything else. Don't just do things because you are told, or just to shut her up and get her off your back. Do it with love, and to the best of your ability.The man sets the standards to BETTER his home, marriage, and family.Makes no difference if you work one job or ten jobs...The man MUST do his part. If he does not, the woman feels she has to do your part and hers, and that can become very stressful for her. Then you get to hear her vent.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2015):
 Been there; done that. It took 6 years for me to figure out that I was living in misery THAT I ALLOWED TO HAPPEN!!
Do yourself a favor.... ask her - straight up - is THIS (her behaviour) what I should expect for the duration of a life and marriage together? If she sez, "Yes," then head for the exit and never look back.
You will be astounded at how relieved you will feel when the door closes behind you...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (7 January 2015):
I must agree with Nora.. you really must talk to her about this. Make sure you express exactly how it makes you feel. From what you say, you seem to be trying your best. Maybe you should directly ask her what it is that is exactly bothering her. Sometimes you just take the brunt for the other person's personal issues. Maybe, its something completely different and she doesn't know how to express it or isn't yet ready to talk about it. If so, then maybe you could help her through it.
If it still doesn't work out, maybe you need to reconsider things a little. It's important to have an understanding in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (7 January 2015):
That is very difficult for you to deal with and she has no right at all to be undermining you THIS IS NOT AN ACT OF LOVING SOMEONE.Now you might have heard of a saying-That you get treated the way you allow people to treat you.However this sort of behaviour has to stop.First of all have an indept chat with her about this situation,tell her how it makes you feel and that it will have to stop.Would you consider suggesting to her maybe a visit to a counsellor would help.Kind wishes NORA B.
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