A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i've had some major plans to do something significant with my girlfriend for quite a few months now. we were planning to go on a mini-vacation together over the weekend, go visit some places, etc. sort of a couples weekend. we made these plans like I said a couple months ago, and we've been discussing it quite a bit.now something's happened that's starting an argument between us and i sort of need a spot check to make sure i'm not being too much of an ass, which I might be being.she got a call from a friend she hasn't seen in a while, maybe 6 months or so. she lives quite far away, and is going to be around visiting family that weekend.so here's what the problem is. the weekend she's going to be in town is the SAME weekend we had our vacation plan. to change the vacation plans we had is quite an ordeal. I already have tickets and put in for the friday off from work and everything. to change the tickets costs money, and also, after this friday I'd have to wait before putting in another day off from work. it's too late to retract that day off. also it might be possible, but I haven't found out yet, that the hotel is nonrefundable.but my girlfriend's said that she doesn't often get to see this friend, and we get to see each other regularly, and therefore she really wants to change the plans and spend time with her. her friend wants it to be a "girls weekend out" so therefore I wouldn't be able to just tag along, and we wouldn't be able to invite her with us on our trip since she's also seeing her family.usually, my girlfriend tends to believe that whoever made plans first takes priority - i.e. if someone asks if they can make plans with you, and you already have something else going, that first thing comes first and the other person can pick another time. but this time, she's saying she doesn't know when she might be able to see her friend again so she doesn't think her normal ideas apply.she said she's really, really sorry and knows that it will cost money and she can help contribute to that money or even pay it all, but that she thinks it's completely fair for her to see her friend, specifically because she doesn't see her as often and if she doesn't do it this weekend, we don't know when she'll be around again.so here's where I think it's unfair. I didn't make any other plans - in fact, i told a local friend who asked me to spend time with him that I was busy with my girlfriend this weekend (and so he made other plans). on top of that, it's going to cost me a lot of money to move the vacation around, and also, due to policies where I work, I can't just do it next weekend because once I put in vacation time I'm not allowed to do it again for a certain period of time.but on the other hand, I don't want to be selfish and try to keep her from her friends. so part of me feels that I'm being selfish by even thinking she should tell her friend she's busy, because yes, a visit from a friend you haven't seen for a long time and who you may not see for a long time is difficult to plan around. what do the aunts think is the right thing for a guy to do or say?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): I see why you're upset but like the others, I think if you have long term plans about this woman then you have to be more flexible about 'plans' Shit happens in life and the couples that thrive are thé ones where both partners are accommodating of each other. Ofcourse this sucks for you but that's life. You won't ever have everything going perfectly. Let her see her friend without any guilt. You never know when you'll need her to be understanding in return.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2015):
 I agree, I can see both sides.
But I would also try and re-arrange the couples week-end to accommodate her. Otherwise you are going to spend a week-end where she isn't really "there".
Find out TODAY what week-end will work for her, and yourself, GET that Friday off NOW. Then CALL the hotel and SEE if they can change reservations to THAT week-end. Since this is the off-season most places it shouldn't be too hard. And see about the tickets too. Whatever you can't refund, let your GF know. Personally, I think it's only fair she helps pay for the costs you will have to walk away from.
I had a family vacation planned a few years back, and 2 days before we were set to go, one of his very good buddies got into town, this buddy was ready to head out to Iraq 2 months later, so my husband REALLY wanted to spend time with the guy. And you know what? I cancelled the "mini-vacation" and took the kids to the zoo alone, so the "guys" could hang out.
I'm glad I did. Some friends are WORTH this kind of hassle.
That woman who is visiting is VERY important TO your GF. It's not about your GF prioritizing HER over you here, it's about BEING there for friends too.
You have to be flexible in a relationship, but that doesn't mean SHE should always get her way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 January 2015):
 If she cancels everything and pays for the non-refundables, then its no priblem. Take your day off from work and do simething YOU enjoy. Its "me time". Enjoy it. She should foot the bill since she is the once cancelling, but if you want to win brownie points you can agree to split the costs. Then do something great for yourself that weekend. Something enjoyable. And then dont hold grudges, because this is a one off and shes not unreasonable (and neither are you).
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 January 2015):
 I understand why you're upset, but I can absolutely see her side too. This is not something she would ordinarily do, but it's a bit of a special situation- this is a friend she hardly sees, and who knows when she'll see again. She has apologized and offered to make it up to you financially, and to plan another weekend.
If you have long-term plans with this woman, I suggest you pick your battles. Being accommodating this time will earn you some major points down the road and will prove you to be a very understanding fella.
Not to mention, you'll earn a lot of cred in her friend's eyes. And friends, they definitely are worthy of winning over.
I say, try to make this work, and go for the easy-going road.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2015):
 Here's my suggestion of how to approach this:
1. The W/E that you and she had planned... could you do it another weekend? Is it something that is always available? .... say, like going to Disney World, or Colonial Williamsburg? If "yes," then your's (and her's) not doing it on the planned weekend doesn't mean that it can't happen... only that it will have to be postponed.
If Number 1 is so... and considering that this friend no longer lives close-by... then you will be very magnanimous (and graceful) if you "capitulate" and have your G/F enjoy the weekend with her friend....
IF No 1 is NOT so.... then you need to balance the importance of your G/F's friendship with this distant friend with your dismay at giving up the W/E that you and she had planned..... A GREAT B/F will give in, every time....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (7 January 2015):
Honestly, though i understand that you have every reason to be upset, i think that even you know that she isn't really being unfair. This is someone who isn't going to be around at all.
Do you think maybe it's just because of all the trouble you might have to go through to change the plans that you are more disturbed? While i am sure you really wanted to spend time with her, you do kind of express that its only because of the trouble of not being able to easily change the plans that you have issues with the idea.
Figure out your priorities and maybe you could just have a conversation with her telling her that you really wanted this vacation.
But i think it's only fair, if that friend is so important to her. Think about it :)
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A
female
reader, Annalisa  +, writes (7 January 2015):
 You know, boyfriends need to be accommodating, but so do friends.
My best friend lives the other side of the planet, so she lets me know when she plans to come to the UK and we try to meet.
I think your girlfriend should raise the situation with her friend and try to rearrange, perhaps your girlfriend could see her friend on the Sunday?
Could she come away with you on Friday and travel back earlier?
Whether something blows into an argument often depends the way an issue is discussed. Try to be positive and encouraging.
If her friendship with this girl is worthwhile, they'll work something out.
Good luck x
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