A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met a girl about a year after my divorce and it was a year after her divorce also. We both fell in love and dated each other for about four years. She wanted to get married and have children. I was afraid to get married, so we basically started to drift apart. A day past and I didn't call her, she didn't call me, then a week past then a month which turned into months. Then I heard she is dating someone and soon after she got married and had children of her own.10 years have past. I see her every now and then since we do have mutual friends. She avoids me, I avoid her. But I cannot stop thinking about her, even though I am the one that allowed the breakup to happen.We never officially broke up. Hence the reason I cannot move on since there was no closure. She seems to be happily married.How can I move on? I have had several relationships since then but her thoughts affected all my relationships.
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broke up, divorce, fell in love, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 December 2019):
 Perhaps it would help you to use this experience as a lesson and learn that it is never a good idea to just let things fade out. In future, end things properly.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2019):
 There will always be some questions that can't be answered, that is life.
So move forward to accept that it's been over and YOU too deserve to move on, is what you need to do.
No need to "erase" the memories of her and your time together, but PUT it firmly in the past, where it belongs.
You can do it. Just like she did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you all for your responses. They have been very helpful, specially when there seems to be consensus. For me closure has more to do with settling unanswered questions.
At this point, I agree that I need to erase memories of her and make an effort to move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 December 2019):
 Just by reaing your headline, I have to tell you that there is no such thing as "closure". I've never heard of this phenomenon outside of the USA, it appears to me to be something created from popular culture and not a real thing. What on earth is "closure"? And why do amercans feel entitled to it?
An ex is an ex. Move on.
Okay now I read your full text. And my answer is still the same. This idea of "closure" is just bullshit, its not a real thing. The reason you can't move on isn't because you don't have "closure". There IS closure in every meaning of the word "closed". She is married, she has children, the door to you and what you had with her is 100% definitely CLOSED. And btw, you closed that door yourself why not conttacting her and just ghosting each other all those years ago.
Closure isn't the reason you haven't been able to move on. You aren't moving on because you regret your decision and you feel bad about what you did. What you're feeling now isn't longing for HER and your past relationship. That's not why you're thinking about her. You are dwelling on this because you are full of regret for your actions. You wonder if your life could have been different, if you could have been happier, and instead of turning your life as it currently is, into what you need and want, you decide to blame your unhappiness on "closure" and on a past relationship.
Look at yourself. You need to forgive your past mistake. Yes, just ghosting her and not contacting her was a bad way to break up, but you most definitely broke up. Most definitely it is an official break up too, even though you never talked and said the words. There isn't anyone in the world who still thinks you and her are dating just because you didn't "formally" end the relationship. Its ended, and everyone knows and is aware. Not talking for months is a sure way to end a relationship, just as much as having the "official" talk about "lets break up". There isnt a part of your body that actually believes you and her are still together just because you didn't uttter those words, so stop thinking you need "closure" in order to move on from her. You haven't been linked to her for years and years and there is no unfinished business. It's closed, finished and done with a long time ago. You just did it in a poor manner, that's all.
Forgive yourself for letting it end in such a bad way. Hey it happens, it's life, we're all just human. We make mistakes, we're not perfect, and we do shitty things sometimes without being shitty people. Your mistake was not ending the relatiionship. Your mistake was the way you ended it. And THAT is why you are full of regret and can't move on. You feel bad about it. But it's got nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you accepting yourself and owning up to your past mistakes.
Just tell yourself: I shouldn't have ended it the way I did, that was poor manners and bad behavior. But no harm done, she is happy now, life has moved on, and I have become a better person by learning from my mistake.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 December 2019):
"If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it". Simple as. How long did you expect your ex to hang around waiting for you to commit to her? Despite 4 years of dating, you were still not prepared to commit. That told her you were probably never going to do it, and certainly not in the time frame she needed to have the children she wanted.
You both stopped contacting each other and neither of you made any effort to save the relationship OR to end it properly. Not sure what "closure" you want but, if you needed such a thing, you should have looked for it at the time, not a decade later when you have failed to find anyone as good as your ex.
I don't think this has anything to do with your ex (who is now happily married with the family she wanted and probably seldom gives you a passing thought) but has everything to do with you not finding anyone else you like as much, hence thoughts of your ex who wasn't good enough at the time, otherwise you would have committed to her.
You don't need this mythical "closure" you yearn. You need to figure out what is stopping you committing to anyone else. Stop using your ex as an excuse. She made her own "closure" and moved on. You need to do the same.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 December 2019):
 Its over OP. Let it go and move on. She moved on a LONG time ago. As Wiseowl said your closure is that she married and had children and has went on with life while you are still dwelling in the past with the "coulda..woulda...shoulda's". You need to be in the here and now...now the past. If you can't move on then please seek professional help. Its not healthy to be holding on to something that ended this long ago.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): Grow up! She doesn't owe you squat not closure or anything else. You screwed up and you know it. When you own that fact maybe then you can move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): She's married with children. That's your closure.
You can hold-on as long as you want. You're torturing yourself by being stubborn. The entitled little-boy inside is kicking and screaming. Throwing a tantrum; because he wants what he wants, and he's not going to stop until he gets it. He blew his chance, but he won't own the fact it's partially his own fault.
Why does she have to tell you why, when it's perfectly obvious?
Well, the mind has a built-in pressure-gauge. If you keep filling it with unnecessary clutter and stress; it warns you that you've reached your threshold. If you continue beyond the threshold, it starts to go into critical mode. If you insist on going even beyond that point...it breaks.
Time to stop obsessing and move on. It's been 10 years!!!
Closure happened when you parted. Why? So she could marry and have children with somebody who wanted what she wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): I guarantee you that the reason you haven't moved on is NOT becuase you didn't have a proper break up. It's entirely to do with your sense that you missed an opportunity, or you've idealised her in retrospect. If things were that good you wouldn't have just drifted apart. Maybe you haven't met anyone since that you clicked with so you keep going back to this particular relationship in your mind because it had a fuzzy ending. Work on what you want now, instead of focusing on what might have been.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2019):
You don't NEED her to tell you that it didn't work out, and you don't NEED "closure" from her.
Facts are that YOU and HER wanted different things from a relationship when you were dating and that lead to the two of you drifting apart.
You two were each other's divorce-rebound. Which is probably why it just fizzled out.
When EITHER of you decided to NOT pick up the phone, you broke up. It doesn't NEED to be spelled out and you know it.
Yes, she moved on and you didn't. THAT is on you. THAT was a choice YOU have made. Just like you CHOSE to simply NOT pick up the phone and call her after a day, a week, a month....
Don't let HER "progress" (as in her moving on and building the family SHE wanted) hold you back from YOU making a good life for you. There is ABSOLUTELY no point in pining for someone for a decade.
Is it partly regret? That YOU could have been HER husband? The father of HER children? If so, you need to accept that at the time SHE was ready, you were not. And that it wouldn't have worked out when one wants kids and marriage and the other don't.
Mentally, wish her well. And then figure out what YOU would want for you, what YOU have to offer a new partner and go from there.
If she could move on with out an "official closure" so can you.
Chin up and keep moving forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): You didn’t want her as your wife . Did you expect her to miss out on having children . Men need to understand that women have a limited amount of time in which they are fertile and its extremely unfair to expect them not to move on if your not interested in marriage . Men seem keen to throw us away once we are no longer young and fertile as so often happens once we reach middle age but they expect us to waste out fertile years waiting on them to be ready . So much unfairness in the way men abuse the fact that biologically they can have children for longer .( And a lot of ignorance from both men and women around the fact that men’ sperm
Quality decreases dramatically after 40 and they are more likely to
Produce children with issues . ) men act as if they have forever just because they CAN ( notice I say can not should ) reproduce for longer and put off marriage and then complain that women move on to men who do want marriage and children
Im sorry if that sounds harsh but your complaining because you took advantage of the double standard of biology that allowed you to wait for marriage . You ask how do you move on ? You move on by accepting that as a woman she did not have that same privlidge , she had a clock that was ticking and not moving on to another man may have meant never before becoming a mother which is a HUGE deal to many women.
Maybe by looking at it through the eyes of a woman and why she needed to let go and not wait to see if you may or may not change your mind you
Might appreciate that you made the decision that you and her were not to
Marry and have children and she took control of her destiny by moving on
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