A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to a man for 25 years. We have four kids (two now grown up, and two teenagers). Our marriage has been difficult; we argue a lot and have drifted apart emotionally. We are not highly compatible on any level, but have stuck together out of habit, security, fear, love for our kids. I would say that we do love one another, but our respect for one another is lacking. We have very little emotional connection (and never really did). His personality and mine just seem to clash; and he is also emotionally unavailable to me in the ways that I need. Over the years, I have withdrawn emotionally (to shut out the rejection and hurt). This has made me stronger in myself, but has weakened our bond. I recently went on a solo trip away, with a girl friend and a group of strangers. I became very close to a man, who is married. He and I spent a lot of time together (completely appropriately, nothing 'happened'). He stated clearly that he would never break his marriage vows and is very happy with his wife of many years. We don't live nearby, but have stayed in close contact via text. This has been very intense and emotionally I have become very close to him. I also have physical feelings towards him (which I haven't acted upon). He confessed to the same feelings, but said he has no intention of doing anything that might cause hurt to either his family or mine. He takes his marriage vows very seriously and I can see that he has integrity and morals. He would like us to stay as just close friends. I am overwhelmed with such intense feelings for him; I did not expect this and I am taken aback by it, but he is a genuinely lovely person whom I would like to stay in touch with. He provides a level of connection which is totally missing from my marriage. I feel listened to, validated, and alive for the first time in so many years. My husband has cheated in the past; three times that I have discovered. He is also emotionally abusive to me and I no longer find him physical attractive, although we do still have sex. I am very lonely in my marriage but have never cheated. The problem is how to move forward from here, without anyone getting hurt. This man would like to meet up and continue texting(with clear boundaries). However - my heart skips a beat whenever I even think about him! How on earth do I remain faithful (and allow him to do the same) and still continue to talk to him? His friendship has become very valuable to me and I feel it will help me grow as a person. We have actually agreed to go on another group trip next year. My husband knows I have made a new (male) friend, but seems disinterested in knowing more. His wife (I believe) knows the same. Still, there is an element of deceit to the friendship. I am scared of entering into a potential disaster for all of us, and ultimately of being hurt.
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female
reader, Concernwife +, writes (23 June 2020):
I would strongly advise you to quit the friendship.You already know you have deep feeling for him and I seriously doubt that will change. I mean no disrespect to you as I can completely relate to your situation, as that is exactly what I am dealing with in my marriage. As a matter of fact your story is so similar to mine I can’t help but wonder who really wrote this, as my spouse has always enjoyed the mental games with me and creating false identity and stories that can be extremely hurtful, upsetting and down right disrespectful.But back to your situation whatever you decide I truly hope you think extremely carefully because you’ve been so deprived of love and affection you may do something you will REGRET!This is unfair to his wife and children, remember the devastation you felt when your spouse cheated and then three times! It’s the most horrifying pain , I mean it truly changes you . I learned this all the hard way so please don’t do this to another women just please don’t. He already told you he loves his family why would you want to interfere with that. ? You can find another male friend or companion . Leave her HUSBAND ALONE!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2019): Let me ask you this. What is your psychological state of mind at this point? I mean your emotional-health. Can you hold-out for another five years or so; without going into depression, or having an emotional-crisis?
Don't use your child as an excuse. You're nearly flirting with the prospect of physically cheating with a married-man. Let's say weakness overcomes you, and the affair happens; and God forbid, it also becomes discovered. How would that affect your child, and how do you think your husband will react if he finds-out? You are forgetting what the other wife might do in retaliation for destroying her marriage. What about their kids, if they have any?
Another marriage is placed in peril, depending on whatever you're up to. These days, people are bolder, retaliatory, and less intimidated than back in times when tensions and the daily-stress of life wasn't quite as prevalent as it is now. Don't be fooled by calm exteriors! His wife might seem a docile kitten; but become a raging lioness when her marriage and family is under threat! People do crazy things on impulse, or lose control under duress. You don't need to expose innocent children to adult-drama and conflicts. Another valid reason to hit the brakes on this temptation you're calling friendship.
Cheaters are very hypocritical, they have the nerve to be even more offended when the shoe is on the other foot! They take payback badly! Your husband will likely make life a living nightmare! Divorce might be better than living under the retribution and tribulation after cheating on a spouse! I doubt you were calm, smiley-faced, and forgiving after you found-out about his cheating! Even if you don't really love him, or ever did. You married him!
The child is old enough to understand and deal with divorce. The child can also see and hear what's happening. He or she knows if you're happy or not. That's too old to be so naive to think you have a happy-marriage; when all evidence says otherwise. You can't hide it indefinitely. They'll see through you anyway. They're not happy either, seeing no love or affection between their parents. Knowing divorce is inevitable, sooner or later!
A teenager has enough understanding to know your marriage is in trouble; and will either suffer silently, or act-out in rebellion. While people wonder what brings-on their depression. They know more than they should! Even if they will not tell you what they think or feel! A 14 year-old is also old enough to tell if you are attracted to and eyeing another man...especially if your child is a teenage-girl. They are far more mature than boys at that age. I'm not trying to say boys are too stupid to know what they see either!!! They know when a man has sights on their mother, other than their father!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your very though-provoking responses. To some extent you are all right. I am going to consider talking to my husband about how neglected I feel (although, having tried this many, many times over the years, I know how it will go....).
But maybe considering divorce is my next step. The thought does terrify me, but it also seems to offer me the path to happiness that I do feel I deserve. The question is, should this be delayed until our youngest (now aged 14) leaves home?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): If your boyfriend has morals and integrity he wouldn't be having an emotional affair with you and working toward a physical affair. You know, he knows and we know that is going to be the end result of your planned meet up so please stop lying to yourself.
You could talk to your husband about your unhappiness and perhaps work to rebuild your marriage. Or maybe he would surprise you and tell you he feels the same way and you two could end your marriage honorably then you would be free to pursue a single man. But that's not what you wan. You want to eat your cake and have it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): Life is short. You don't love your husband. It's time to cut ties with him and move on. Your adult and teenage children will, in time, understand your decision. You need to keep yourself happy as well. The other man you have met is not willing to leave his wife so you are wasting your time with him. Find a new partner who is availablr
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): [EDIT]:
" You may benefit from some objectivity in our responses; rather than being told what you want to hear."
Better said:
"You're living a life of martyrdom; sacrificing everything you need and deserve, just to avoid dealing with anything too hard to do."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): It seems deceitfulness is coming from your end of the friendship. You're pretending to only want friendship. You're pretending to respect the boundaries the married-gentlemen has carefully enforced; and yet you're allowing your romantic-feelings and physical-attraction to operate in a subtle way to manipulate this man into an affair. Nothing has happened because "he" won't let it! You're emotionally-baiting him under the guise of friendship. Using sympathy or pity as tools of seduction. You're holding-out for signs of his weakness.
We live in an era where people don't set or respect boundaries; but prefer to yield to their impulses and desires. Self-control and impulse-control are archaic terms. You just do whatever feels good; and damned be the consequences! Entitlement beats being deserving, or earning what you should have. Regardless of how others are affected. You do know right from wrong. You choose to remain in a bad marriage that you and your husband simply tolerate; rather than try to fix it. You say you love him; reading between lines, that's merely thrown-in to answer why you're still together. The truth is, you don't. He gives you no reason to. Therefore, must you go and destroy a good-marriage, because you don't know what to do about yours? He loves his wife! I understand why you're drawing from his good-energy; but it's not as he intends you to. You're human, and maybe we all would do the same-thing were we in your shoes. I'm not condemning you!
This isn't all written to judge you. I'm pushing past your emotions and strong feelings; to appeal to your conscience, and your sense of reason. You might not digest this as it is intended, if you're on the defensive or insulted. Try to be open-minded. You may benefit from some objectivity in our responses; rather than being told what you want to here. I refuse to condescend to intelligent-adults, seeking advice and opinions.
Here's the problem. This is speculated based on how you've described your marriage in your post. It seems you and your husband are so adversarial in your relationship; that you spitefully hold each other in captivity under marriage. Like it's some kind of bondage or imprisonment. You both grind the institution of marriage under your heels; while clinging to it at the same time. That makes no sense! Now you're projecting your unsatisfied needs onto a man who has clearly tried to be a friend; while trying to help you keep your feelings in perspective, and honoring both your marriages.
If you're not going to divorce your husband; you both need to find a way to fix it, and make it enjoyable. I think you need to put your faux-friendship/developing-affair, on hold! It's psychologically-cheating, you're living-out a fantasy, and your life seems miserable all the same. You are substituting this man as your surrogate-husband. Truth is, you don't love him either! You just don't know how to make a decision about your marriage, and carry it through. You hang-on to the financial-security, and having a man; while fearing a life being alone. Trying to keep-up the appearances that you can avoid divorce, no matter how bad things get! You're living a life of martyrdom; sacrificing everything you need. just not to have to deal with anything hard to do.
Divorce is the very last consideration and final-recourse. It only happens when you have exhausted every option; and made every attempt humanly-possible to revive and/or resuscitate a dying-marriage. Biblically, it is justified in the case of adultery. That has happened three times. It doesn't give you license to go out and do the same! Wrecking another marriage in the process! Giving the devil something to rejoice about!
Leave the married-man alone; unil you have decided what you need to do about your marriage. Honor his marriage, if you don't honor your own. We cannot tell you how to fix your dying-marriage; because we have never met either of you. You will have to figure that out based on all the facts, experiences, and details you have before you. Rather than trying to project your feelings and needs onto someone unavailable to meet them, and settling for crumbs. Making yourself available until you both can no longer restrain yourselves. Pouring out your heart to him, using your vulnerability and unhappiness as a lure. Playing on his sympathies, and subtly trying to seduce him by causing sexual-tension; hoping to break-down barriers that keep him faithful to his wife. You're only holding-on for that purpose, not just for the sake of friendship. You're asking us to talk you out of cheating!
How did you feel when your husband cheated? That's how his wife will feel too! Worse, because they love each other! You said you and your husband hardly ever loved each other.
Ask your husband if he'd like to seek marriage-counseling to save your marriage? If you worship and have faith; seek continuous counseling and prayer from your religious leadership. This has to include your husband. If all that is too much, or belief in God just isn't your thing. Just divorce him. Are you both just waiting to see who dies first? Households that have no hope, no faith, and no purpose just exist.
My dear, that's no life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2019): I will not lecture you on morality . Nobody nobody knows the pain of being in a loveless marriage for twenty plus years unless they have personally experienced it and nobody who hasn’t experienced it knows how easy it becomes to be open to another mans attention . Society places HUGE emphasis on men’s sexual needs and basically ignores women’s emotional needs . Porn that heavily focuses on male gratification ( the vast majority ) strip clubs brothels and the little affair with the secretary are all societally endorsed ‘men’s activities ‘ whilst women should play nice and shut up about what they need apparently . If a man is unfaithful because his wife ‘sexually neglects ‘ him people ‘understand but somehow women are harlots and home wreckers if they are affected by the emotional neglect that society seems to think doesn’t count . One day just one day society will start to realise women’s needs are as important as men’s but we are still a long way from that , even in this day and age
However, putting away societies ridiculous double standard against women , the reality is also that this Man has been sent to you to show you that love is possible . Not with him but with someone new . He is not the one for you and neither is your husband . Use this experience as confirmation of what you really want in your life . The feelings and connection. Not with someone who is married and not whilst you are married but as a free woman who is free to live and find love
Forget this other man . Cancel your involvement in this trip next year , delete his contact details . He will simply serve as a distraction. To stop you looking at the sadness in your own marriage and will keep you locked in there for even longer . It’s time to turn that energy inward and focus on your own happiness and getting free of this marriage
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2019): Your new man is kidding himself. Meeting up with and/or texting a woman you have feelings for is still cheating. It's an emotional affair and it's disrespectful to his wife.
You should obviously leave your husband. He's emotionally abusive and you don't love each other. What's the point of staying together? How much more of your life will you waste with him.
As for what to do with your 'boyfriend' I think you'd find a connection with someone else if you were single and looking. But what good is a half relationship to you? You're worth more than that and his wife deserves better than that too.
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