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male
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anonymous
writes: A year ago, we lost a child. She lied to me about the date that she lost the child and rarely discusses the "miscarriage". She insisted I leave the house and not be arround her during the time she lost the child in fact we broke up. A month later she was sleeping with a friend of mine. She has lied several times about him and their time together and it has prevented us from really getting back together. Now she is pregnant again. How much should I press the first pregnancy? How do I know if she had an abortion rather than a miscariage? She has never visibly mourned this event, spoken of it, and frustratingly has actually told me two different dates of when it occured. Any comments are welcomed
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 I am sorry to hear what you have been through. Either if it was through miscarriage or abortion you have lost a child, and that is unfortunate, my thoughts are with you.On your girlfriend, she sounds like trouble to me, if it takes a month to start sleeping with a so called friend, she has no respect for you or herself. I cant say whether she lied and if she really had an abortion, but if I lost a baby, the last thing I would be doing is having sex with with my boyfriend's mate, thats cold and damn right out of order. I think you deserve better than her, if she has been lying, dont worry, there is a saying, what goes around..... you know the rest. But as for you, I wish you all the best for the future and I hope you get the answers you are looking for. xXx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): I think you already know the answers deep down
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female
reader, orkney girl +, writes (27 April 2006):
I think you already know the answer but I'll say my peace anyway- you dont normally get confused about when you lost a child, everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss of a baby but it's unusual to jump into bed with someone 'new' a month after losing a baby. Maybe it's her way of dealing with it, getting pregnant again so soon and a 'new' partner. Leave well alone sometimes what you don't know cant hurt. she obviously is with someone else now so forget the past and look to the future, you could be a dad soon enough!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): You have to understand that she is acting in a relatively normal way. Loosing a baby, through miscarriage or abortion can change a womens view about sex and themselves completely. Couples who go for a termination, or go through a miscarriage have to be very strong to stay together. If she did miscarry, she may feel guilty that is was her fault. She also may be scared of having sex that involves emotion again.Similarly if she's had a termination, her views of sex and of her own body have probably been affected. It sounds like she is going through a really difficult time handling what happened, but if she is pregnant with another guys baby, and has refused to open up to you, there is little you can do.If she still wants to be with you, she needs to talk about what happened. Not necessarily with you, but a trained person. She needs to mourn over what happened, so she can speak about. Her not talking is an indication that she has not accepted what happened and is probaby feeling guilty, and worthless, thus she has ended up sleeping with your "friend".You can't make her talk to anyone though, she needs to be the one to do it, and she has to feel ready to do.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (27 April 2006):
 There is no way of knowing if she had an abortion or a miscarriage, but miscarriages are very common in early pregnancy. Some women are devastated by the loss, while others recover quickly. You say she is now pregnant again (and I am presuming you mean it is your baby), so perhaps not best to stress her out as she may secretly fear losing another baby if she did have a miscarriage. Ultimately if she wants to lie to you, and you ask her more questions, she will just make up some more lies (if in fact she isn't telling you the whole truth in the first place). Perhaps it is better to focus on the future rather than dwell on the past?
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