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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in a relationship that has lasted four years. my partner has been abusing me starting four months into the relationship. we have a two year old child. my partner has an alcohol addiction. I have had a restraining order since I was pregnant. Still I cant stay away from him. I have left and returned more times than I can count, and have alienated many of my family and friends. during the last three months the physical has decreased, but i think it had a lot to do with all the legal things i had filed. still their was verbal and emotional abuse, as well as destruction of property. now he is in jail because of me. i miss him, and think i am making a huge mistake. he hasnt been really hitting me lately, and i think that i am only making matters worse. i am lonely and because of the heartbreak i am considered off limits to other men. they see me and run because of my child and my emotional baggage. i am so alone and hurt, and i dont know what to do.
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female
reader, StuckInARutt +, writes (1 May 2006):
I think what Napoleon+ sid was spot on...I have been through this my self although my partner hasn't hit me for over a year now! If you ever want to talk or just need a friend you know where I am.
A
female
reader, lani +, writes (1 May 2006):
hi first of all stop beating ur self up over this ur man is 2 blame 4 this not you ,uv had a lot 2 deal with he is the 1 with the addiction the 1st time he raised his voice there +then he should have seeked help living with an addict of any kind is hard emotionally 2 he is in prision now which gies him time to think about what he has done +why the courts saw fit 2 put him away ,if he wants help he will get it inside if you think he is really worth waiting for make sure he gets the help he needs if not then concentrate on ur self + child dont put men off but dont run in2 the arms of another man for security uv already came through a lot ur a lot stronger than u think try giving ur old friends a call if they'r friends they'll understand so will your family so dont push them away .get out get ur self a life.
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A
male
reader, Napoleon +, writes (29 April 2006):
 For the past two years I have been assisting victims and prosecuting domestic violence offenders and what I have learned in that time is that these types of relationships are very complicated and there are multiple shades of gray.First off, most of the offenders are not monsters but very troubled men (80% of the offenders I prosecute are male) who usually come from a background in broken homes, low self esteem, substance abuse and violence within their own families.Second (should probably be first), no one has the right to abuse you - either physically or emotionally - and emotional abuse can be far worse because sometimes those wounds do not heal.Third point is that alcohol/drug addition is not the cause of domestic violence but only a contributing factor - it is the underlying psychological and emotional issues that make the abuser act the way he does. So getting off the alcohol/drugs alone may decrease the abuse but it will not eliminate it.You should not feel guilty about his incarceration. It was the police, prosecutors and judge who sent him to jail - not you. And believe it or not, but they did this ultimately to help him. Your partner needs to understand that his conduct is not acceptable and that he needs to change. Jail it often used as a wake up call for that.But ultimately he is responsible for changing his own life - which means that first he must accept responsiblity for his own conduct, admit that he is an abuser and an alcoholic. After that first step, he must seek counseling and work to modify his behavior.Those are the beginning steps, but change is a life-long process and requires an exceptional person with an empathetic nature and incredible self-discipline. These are traits rare in most offenders.If your partner is unwilling to commit to making that change (in deeds and not just in words - I tell you that because they always promise and in the end do nothing) then he has made his choice and you must decide for yourself if you want to continue with the relationship or end it. There are other men in the world and plenty who are willing to take you with your children - but moving on to another abusive relationship is certainly not in either you or in your child's best interests.Step back and work on rebuilding your own self esteem and rebuilding your relationships with family and friends and take it slow in managing your relationship with your partner. Remember I have dealt with hundreds of victims and offenders and there are no easy answers - just difficult decisions. Take care.
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (27 April 2006):
 do not blwme your self that he is jail he got himself into that mess not you. I can understanmd that you miss him but their is nothing to stop you from visitning him in prison
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 I agree with the others, but also think it is worth pointing out that it is not just you who is at risk from this man. You have responsibility for a child now, and even if he is not physically abusive to his baby...as a parent you have a responsibility to protect your child from witnessing domestic violence; research shows that children brought up in abusive households take that type of behaviour into their own adult relationships later in life.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 April 2006):
 Forgot to add - he is not in jail because of you. His own despicable behaviour has put him there.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 April 2006):
Number one. Do not try to establish another relationship with another man before you are fully over this one. Number two. Do not even consider getting back with somebody who not only verbally and mentally abuses you but has a history of physically abusing you as well!
Get some help for your low self esteem and try to rekindle your relationship with your family. Get their love and support and promise them you will not go back to this violent bully. Then keep that promise to yourself, your family and your child. Move away if you ahve to but put that distance between him and you physically and emotionally.
Good luck.
xxx
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (27 April 2006):
 Have you had any help to recover your low self esteem? I have a friend who went through the same thing. She went to see a psychologist who pinpointed that this was her issue and why she had no boundaries for self protection. She was drawn to obsessive people who would give her the seeming love that she could not give heself.
It was established that the cause was her Mum and always feeling in the way when she was small. Her Mum lost her body image because of her birth and blamed her children for wrecking her career. After that, relationships with other people always revolved around putting them first, other people were after all much more important than her. She ended up in a state with an abusive man who she finally left because of he danger he posed to her child. Not for herslef, but thankfully she did get away.
The therapy consisted of keeping a notebook in which there were five columns to record daily frights and feelngs. The first column was the emotion, which was usually "scared", "lonely" etc. The next column was the trigger, such as "phone call", "email", "letter" etc. The third column was her negative feelings about herself at that moment. The fourth was the positive feelings. The fifth was the resulting behaviour such as "glass of wine", "cigarette", call to a friend or drive in her car. After the first 2 weeks she and the psychologist looked at the reams of negativity. She was told to do carry on but to make sure that the positive column was more full, no matter how hard it was. This re-programming worked, simple and unbelieveable as it is. Your relationship with this man is addictive and destructive and is a reflection of the way that you feel about yourself. Get some qualified help to enable you to make sense of it and unravel. You will be amazed. By the way, this friend now has a fantastic relationship with her Mum.
You need to get this done before you can be attractive to worthy men. Otherwise you will find similar types in different disguises being drawn to you. You don't need that at the moment or any relationship that is not perfect. For the sake if you and your child, you need to be happy on your own before you looking for another relationship. I do wish you great luck. It only took 6 months for said friend to feel a real difference but you can not do it alone. Please do let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, Anya +, writes (27 April 2006):
I really feel for you... It's easy to say just walk away from it when you are in an abusive relationship, that's what I would advise, but you have a pull towards him there still and it is hard to break those ties even if he wasn't treating you right. You know it is not normal for him to be abusing you in the ways he has, even though you say he has not really been hitting you lately. No matter, the fact still remains..he has hit you in the past, and has shown you no respect. He needs help big time. He has some serious issues there re; the alcohol too. Time in jail won't make those problems go away, he needs to seek counselling. You need to be far away from him. Yes you are hurting like hell, but (and you've probably heard this before) the pain will ease in time. You will of course be grieving for him, allow yourself too. Don't forget all those times he's mistreated you, don't think to yourself..oh well next time he'll be ok, don't live in a dream world. Respect and care for yourself and your child... you will find yourself a decent guy who knows how to treat a lady and you will appreciate that so much after what you have been through. I wish you all the best, take care girl! x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): Do feel any safer now he is in jail. Also consider thay many such relationships will end up with you in hosptial its a small price to pay for your life. Atleast now your child will have some safety and security. You feel like you have lost him buts thats natural after 4 years try to move on it is hard but only time will dull your feelings and above all put your child first as he didnt
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): He is not in jail because of you. He is in jail because of his own actions and choices. keep that in mind
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