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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: ive recently split up with my partner of 5 years,we have a 3 month old baby boy. She has always had a bit of a drinking problem, not so much an addiction, but when she starts she get carried away and on occasions has got violent and may or may not have been unfaithful. Yet through it all i have stood by her because i love her. But last weekend we were supposed to be going to my parents for dinner and to pick up our baby, so she went across the street to her mothers to get ready, a while later she phoned to tell me she'd be over soon. A few hours passed and i hadnt heard from her i started to contact everyone who might have seen her and nobody had and there was no answer at her mothers house i soon realised she wasnt there and panic set in,i knew something was wrong. Then her mothers next door neighbour appeared and said "shes in my house drunk,want to get her out?" i rushed up the stairs and found her lying on some guys sofa with a towel half wrapped round her and a housecoat on and there was another guy in the house.then later that night she done even more damage to the situation by saying she had been raped which i now know she wasnt because 10 seconds later it was like she forgot she even said it.then she told me other hurtful things like the child wasnt mine and that she had been unfaithful.she later told me she said that to hurt me. Ive even tried giving her a chance to change her ways it took some convincing to get her to give up drink,but even at that she doesnt do anything but complain about suggestions i make to building trust,she just says "i dont want to walk on eggshells the rest of my life" and "what sort of a life is that?" please tell me what to do someone i havnt been work since i just cant face anything or anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Ok, first things first, you need to put your personal problems on a shelf and go to work before you lose your job as that would be really a self destructive thing to do, you need some maturity here and take responsibility for yourself and the role you are playing.
I only have a small snippet of what is going on with you and your partner, but from what you wrote she sounds like she is mentally ill, she may have a bipolar disorder which often will be a dual diagnosis with alcoholism as she is trying to self medicate for her underlying depression and mood swings.
Firstly, if she has been unfaithful and saying the baby is not yours, you need to demand a paternity test, no use being financially responsible for a baby of a single woman you have been with for the last 5 years unless you just want to....and then I would make plans to break up with her.
You are an enabler if you keep going back for more of this treatment and she needs to get into therapy and treatment for her problems and possible mental illness, she can be helped, but she needs professional intervention and medication to get on top of things and turn her life around. And what is the neighbor doing letting her come over to her house to get drunk? Sounds like a really bad living environment and she may need to change that for herself to, but again this should not be your responsibility, but hers.
This is not a healthy relationship I can tell from how you sound and your not feeling you can face anyone. You need to get out now, not a day from now, and if you can't find the strength to do it, do it anyway. You might want to consider talking with a professional behavioral therapist yourself to process your feelings over this and get some sound advice on how to handle her and this break up and what to do about child custody and or support if the child is in fact yours.
A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Well, this is my advise to you. There is no changing her, she will continue to hurt you by drinking and being unfaithful. It's her nature from which I can see. So, you need to move on. There is someone out there that will treat you the way you want to be treated. Life is too short to sit and wait for her to change her evil ways. Sorry and good luck.
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