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female
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*uby84
writes:hi, im sorry if this is abit of a silly question but its been bothering me alot. im 22 y/o and have been with my current bf for 8 months now, we got together 3 months after my ex boyfriend dumped me. Recently ive been really down, and thinking about my ex alot and i still dont understand exactly why he dumped me, it was out of the blue. so maybe i aint had closure?? i duno. i love my current bf to bits but i cant help comparing him to my ex, who i was with for 3 years. Its like i want him back, but i know in the long run it wouldnt work at all. is this normal? and how do i get over my ex and be happy with what ive got? how long does it take to get over someone you were in love with, dumping you?thanks,ruby
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female
reader, ruby84 +, writes (7 January 2007):
ruby84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both of your answers, i feel abit better knowing others understand. i know i need to let go and hopefully in time i will....thanks
ruby
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Perhaps these thoughts of your ex boyfriend are creeping in and making you feel down when you are feeling less than positive about yourself...sometimes we have to learn to trust ourselves again when one relationship fails especially the way your ex chose to handle it by just disappearing without telling you why.....your natural tendency will be to think maybe it was you that you are just unlovable, but you know that is not true!
You are always going to get hurt in a relationship, no relationship is perfect and you have to be willing to trust yourself enough to know you can handle anything if that happens again to you, a break up....you did move on, you did willing find love again with another willing spirit and you will again...
Sometimes relationships end when we are young just because it was the wrong time and place, and your ex was probably just as conrfused as you were and you may never really find out why, you just have to learn to be OK with that because you are really probably just remembering only the good times and are longing for the IDEA of what could have been rather than what you actually lost....so try to just wish him well in your mind and give yourself permission to be happy and move on with someone else...it is not your job to correct want went wrong with that old relationship, you are free to live your life and to be happy in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Oh gosh..no-this is not a silly question at all, dear. In fact, a very good question! In your posting, you talk about a very important thing. Closure. That's what I call a bit o' baggage, dear. And so many people do this! So don't beat yourself up. In my opinion, you didn't get full closure. If you were dumped and didn't know why or understood what happened-that is where your troubling thoughts lie. Closure to many of us means, putting an end to something we weren’t ready to end, when it ended. This is why I tell people who break up...be honest and tell the other why this happened. It may be something one doesn't want to hear...but we gain closure..a finality. So this is why, possibly you are doing thinking in this way. This is why when you know, without a doubt, that the past happiness that you had with your ex bf, may never return, you find yourself still struggling with not letting it go. Thinking of all the 'what if's' and 'maybes'. Accept that you may never find out. You have been with current guy for just 8 months-you two are still building something solid. You will get to the point, where your love for this current bf will be established, you won't even worry about the ex bf, anymore. My suggestion: Stay on course, be strong, relax and let it go. Just let it ALL go. All you are doing is thinking about this...so you need to control your thoughts and focus on the wonderful love you have with your current guy. Tell yourself you will close that chapter of your life because it the best, healthiest thing to do. And not to mention the most decent, honorable thing to do for your current bf.
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