A
male
age
30-35,
*ing of Amateurs
writes:Hi, so i met this awesomely amazing girl this year at school and we became friends. At first i didn`t have feelings for her i didn`t think of her as anything more then a friend, but over time i grew feelings for her, and these feelings both weekend and strengthened over the rest of the year to the point where i`m almost always thinking about her. She knows how i feel about her, and she just wants to be friends and i respect what she wants and other then making her a mixtape for her birthday, i haven`t done anything to try and sway her. But its tearing me up on the inside because these feelings are so strong, i know its not love because this is high school, i`m not foolish enough to believe this is love, i know its not lust because I didn`t even see her as more then a friend when we first met, these feelings came out of no where but i don`t know what it is. I don`t know what to do, because its impossible to distance myself from her because we go to a small school. Ive tried focusing on her flaws, but every-time i tried i ended up just forgetting about it or not caring about her flaws. So what should i do? thanks to anyone who answers. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (2 June 2011):
Damn, that sucks. And, as a schmuck in his 30s in a similar fix, I'm living proof that your situation isn't necessarily limited to high school. How is it that anyone can will themselves to unlike (as opposed to dislike) a person?
Let's assume that her feelings toward you aren't & won't become romantic. Attraction to another person is a function of many, many variables (conscious, psychological, biochemical, etc etc) and it's never the case that you can control all of them. For you, she could ring all the right bells but if your pheromones are a sniff off of what her biochemistry responds to, you're hooped. That's life, unfortunately, and there's no point in begrudging either yourself or her for the fact that it's not mutual. (Still sucks, mind you, but there you go..)
Anyways, assuming all that, you've got 2 realistic options: 1) Go on being a friend to her although your feelings are much more than those of a friend, or 2) Stop being a friend to her, and keep your distance (as much as you can, anyways).
My advice is (2), & here's why:
If you go on as you are now, you're bound to eventually feel resentment towards her for not accepting you as more than a friend (that's just the way the human monkey works, I'm afraid). This resentment could potentially fester alongside your already strong feelings of attraction towards her, and this could become a very toxic mix akin to desperation. Ironically, people can become addicted to - or, rather, come to identify themselves with - various emotional states, both positive and ugly. Since your feelings for her are strong, you'll run the risk of becoming psychologically addicted to that mix of desperation and longing despite the fact it makes you feel like crap. Outwardly, too, this would bad: you'd become creepy. And there is nothing - nothing - less attractive or less good for your own well being (not to mention your friendship w/the girl) than turning into a creepy guy that's constantly holding out hope that she'll change her mind. She won't - instead, she'll start to see you as that gollum thing in LOTR. Nobody wins.
Now option 2... The plus side is that, eventually, the intensity of your feelings will subside to the point where you can put them into a bit more perspective. It sounds like you've already done a some of this, which is great. The downside to Option 2 is that it'll hurt like a bastard at first - like being hollowed out and kicked in the nads at the same time. Possibly, this may just be the state you're in now. If so, that sucks - but I'm afraid that's just the human body's normal reaction to what you're going through. In time, though, it'll get better.
You could argue that another downside is ending (for the time being at least) your friendship with her. For sure, it sucks to go from being friends to not having anything to do w/one another. She may even call you on it, asking why you're avoiding her. Don't be mean or rude - it's not like you have negative feelings towards her, nor is it that she deserves to be treated that way. If asked, just say that you're not comfortable being friends when you feel the way you do, and that since you're not comfortable, you're keeping your distance until you don't feel that way anymore. Simple honesty, in other words, is the way to go. In the long run, I think that approach would be more likely to end in the salvage of your friendship (versus continuing as-is all the while carrying a gut-full of longing for her).
This is already a long response and you may have gathered that I'm half typing this advice to myself - which is very true. That said, I'll end-off by giving a couple of hints for getting through the initial rough patch of keeping your distance and generally feeling like poo...
Tip 1: Self-directed cognitive retraining
That's a fancy way of saying 'train yourself to think of some other particular emotionally-neutral thing when you find that you're thinking about her.' In my case, I chose to think about Tesla Motors' upcoming line of all-electric sedans. Thrilling, I know, but the point is this: By intentionally noticing that you're thinking about her and then (again intentionally) changing that thought to something else, you're de-constructing the neural pathways in your brain that link your feelings to her. Eventually you'll find that you're able to separate your feelings (your emotional state) from your mental conception of her. Once you can do this, you'll be able to examine both more objectively. Step one, though, is to think about Tesla Motors.
Tip 2: Take up meditation/mindfulness training
This is related to Tip 1 in that in order to be able to switch to thinking of something else when you notice you're thinking about her, you first have to notice that you're thinking about her. This is harder to do than you might expect - typically people go through their day thinking about any number of things which can effect their emotional state, but instead of noticing that they're thinking about 'X,' they simply wallow in whatever emotional state the though brought about. Deep eh? Indeed. Anyhow, noticing what you're thinking about moment-to-moment (a.k.a. 'mindfulness') takes practice, and unfortunately information about meditation/mindfulness on the web tends to be couched in flowery BS-talk and pastel-coloured photos of middle-aged people in yoga pants. Don't be deceived, it's actually really simple. What it boils down to is trying to be aware that you're breathing (without trying to control how you breathe or anything like that). Essentially, just mentally observe breaths as they go in and out. If you do this, i.e. - if you're 'mindful' of the progress of each breath - odds are you'll be able to notice whatever it is that's occupying your mind at that moment. (Then go to Tip 1).
Sorry for the length - the spirit of Oprah must have temporarily possessed me. I hope it helped, though, & all the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): There's nothing much you can do if she doesn't feel the same way. You obviously cannot force her to feel the same way, but just being friends with her is only going to torture you.
You say you go to a small school, so other than transferring there's not much you can do about that except just avoid her as much as physically possible.
When you find yourself thinking about her STOP and go do something. Do a puzzle, study, go for a jog, call up a friend and hang out. Whatever you do, DO NOT just sit and think about her. Thinking about her will tear you up inside. No more displays of adoration like mixtapes and such because that will only make her resent you.
When your feelings are not returned it hurts terribly, but you are young, you will get over her and find someone who can see just how awesome you are.
Good luck! ;)
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