A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, thanks for reading my question. I'm 32/m/Aus.I broke up with my ex about 4 weeks ago. We were together for nearly a year. She's older than me and being sick. Our connection and feeling was very strong from the very beginning and deep down we feel like we belong together. Because of the age difference (on her part), the illness, she keeps pushing me away, asking me to date younger woman, have kids, live my life. I told her it all didn't bother me as she's the person I love and want to be with. We broke up about 4 weeks ago and we missed each other very much.My feeling for her didn't go away. It scares me. I thought if we stop seeing each other, the feeling will go away. But I drove me crazy and it drove her crazy too. I thought if I go and date someone (as she always wants me to, someone younger), it will make the separation more bearable. I tried and worked hard every day not to think of her and get on with my life. I went out on a date with someone my age, about a week after we broke up. She is a very nice person. Someone I can have a future with. But I don't have feeling for her. There's no spark. I was hoping the feeling will grow as time goes on. I do like her more the more I see/know her but the feeling is not there (yet). I don't know if it is just what it is, or the fact that I still have feeling/thought for the ex. We have kissed but haven't progressed to a physical relationship yet, as I want to wait until I have emotional for her.Last night, my ex- messaged me and said she missed me. I messaged back the same. She then came over. We cried, kissed, made love. It was very intense. She then told me she had a hunch that I was seeing someone and she wanted me to tell her and she wouldn't get upset. I told her I did went out with someone 3 times, we kissed, but I didn't have feeling for her. I assure her as of now, I only love her and have feeling for her. She accepted that, but still a bit upset that I went out on 3 dates with the same person. I explained to her that I'm trying to move on, to help with the pain of losing her.I'm at a cross road here. If I follow up HEART, I know what I want - to be with my ex-. If I follow my head, then I know in long term, this might not be ideal as she is much older, we can't have kids/future. And her sickness (getting treated) etc make it much more difficult. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do. Should I love the moment and be with my ex, and probably didn't have a future with, or with the new girl I'm going out with, as she really likes me and wants to have a future with me.I appreciated you reading my post and your time. It will help tremendously. If you have question, please reply and I will answer as best as I can.
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female
reader, LW  +, writes (2 May 2011):
Hi there,I sympathise with you, as clearly this older lady you love is extremely insecure about herself and it can be hard to be in a relationship like that.My personal feeling on the matter is that the older lady you love is trying to be selfless and wants to best for you. She is probably very sad inside and would feel extremely selfish on top of the sad feelings if she were to keep you to herself, given the circumstances.Anyways I would say, stay with her if you love her.. forget about her words that is just her insecurity shining through.. all she needs is reassurance.. -constant reassurance, that you want her and her only dispite the situation. Do not continue trying to 2 "get over her"- she is testing you to see if you love her.Because in a womans mind you would not even kiss someone else if you were in love with her.Anyways it is quite pointless me trying to explain to you the complexitys of a womans mind and emotions all I can tell you is this-If you love her, forget her requesting you to move on, she WANTS you to tell her-" NO I love you only and will NEVER do that to you.. I wouldn't be happy without you" ect..It may seem as if you are getting nowhere if she keeps repeating herself, but that is woman for you.. we CAN be SO insecure.Show her love,.. pamper her, take her out, do something romantic.. write her a short letter telling her why and how she has lightened your life and made you SO happy. Just make her feel good about herself as a person.She needs to feel completely worthy of your love :)Hope I helped
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): It sounds like you really love your ex and she really loves you. She is probably just trying not to be selfish, but she would be so alone if you really left her. It would also be very unfair to the new girl. It really hurts to be with someone who is not over their ex.Are you prepared to take care of your ex for the rest of her life? Are you really ok with not being able to have your own kids? And--I don't mean to be insensitive here--do you have an idea of how much longer she might live?Only you can decide what's "right" for you. Maybe you can love her through her illness and then, like Samantha in the Sex and the City movie, she will make your choice for you. (Just kidding.) Just make sure that whatever you do, it is out of love, and not guilt.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (2 May 2011):
Hi - dont you think that by pushing you away and breaking up with you it was asking how committed you were to her? There is no way on this earth that I would consider dating someone else so quickly after breaking up with the love of your life - its not fair on the new person and not fair on yourself - You should stick by the woman you love and enjoy what you can with her - she loves you too and thats hard to find.
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