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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend is still good friends with her ex. They suffered a miscarriage when they were together, which is obviously terrible, and it is something they can only talk to each other about, as I (for one) don't know how she felt, or what she went through. They are still very good friends, even though he lives 100 miles away from where we live. They talk on the phone at least once a week that I know of, and probably more. Her family still care for him and like him, as they do me. But she will not introduce me to him, when he comes to visit I don't see her for the whole weekend. She says she wants to keep the past and the present seperate, but I have to be honest and say I am not comfortable with her 'hiding me away' whenever he is here. I am 99% sure she would never cheat on me, with him or anyone else, but it still bothers me. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): You both need to talk. If she's spending time with this guy-a non introduction to a former bf is a red flag. An introduction should be top priority right off the start. In relationships, we go that extra mile to reassure our loved ones-we are loyal people and we love to them. Too keep him hidden from you disrespectful. To be civil and respectable to one's ex is one thing. But to be bold enough to see him for a weekend visit without you?? That is inappropriately ridiculous. How unfortunate for you. Normal behavior? Yes, if you are 13-14 year-old kids. But very inappropriate in adults with relationship committments. When a girl or a guy they has low self-esteem, they crave attention from anyone. It's all comes down to respect or-the lack of respect for the relationship you both are in together. If she's worth sticking it out with, set her straight and implement boundries of what you will and will not tolerate. One last question...if she loses the ex bf,will you ever be able to trust her again? Trust is foundational in all loving human relationships and is required. Good luck
A
female
reader, janet +, writes (6 March 2006):
Have you tried to explaine to her how you feel about this? I think you should ask her how she still feels about him and why she is hiding you away? Keeping stuff from your partner is not good and this shows she can not trust you with the most importanty things in her life. Have you asked yourself how much she meens to you and how this is not a good basis for a relationship. Keeping the truth from someone you love is not a good basis and if she keeps this from you what else is she hideing. A miscarrige is a hard thing for any women to go through, i should know i had one but when i got into a new relationship i told my new partner about it and he has been supportive of me and how i feel. In order to be a good boyfriend you need to know all the hard time aswell as the good ones i really thik you would be better off without her if she is treating you like this. Would she accept it if it was you seeing you ex i bet not so why should you? Good luck and i hope you solve this issue with her.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Sexybum (great name) has hit the nail on the head. Why should she keep her past and present seperate if she keeps going back to her past in the form of this old BF. Yes a miscarriage is a dreadful thing to go thru but if she needs counselling then she needs professional help, not keeping *dipping her toe* back into the pain of seeing him. If this is the reason she still sees him.
If she had truely got over him and the past she would introduce you to him as her present BF. I think she still has feelings for him and I think she is also being dishonest and disrespectful of you. Tell her exactly how you feel and if you are prepared to issue an ultimatum, then do so, but be preapred to follow it thru.
Make her move on. Or make her have the decency to *own up* to her relationship with you. Dont be a doormat, stand up for yourself and your mutually exclusive relationship.
Good luck
xx
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (6 March 2006):
 She wants to keep the past and the present seperate? Then why is she still dabbling in her past with her 'ex' whilst being with you in the present!I've had a pregnancy that didn't work out, nothing will prepare you for it. And no one will be able to take that expereince away from her and away from them two. Like you said they went through it together. Because of my expereince I can advise you. I'll let you know how it makes me feel about my ex and you can compare. It makes me love him (even though he is an ex) Unbeleivable feelings of attachment to him. I was pregnant with his child, in fact I find it almost impossible to explain to you or anyone how I feel about this man and the 'connection' that we have on that subject. So that may be how your girlfriend is feeling.However let me also tell you that there is no way on this earth that I would do what she is doing. She is using her experience to have her cake and eat it. I mean why is this geezer still in her life soo much. He lives 100 miles away and still comes to visit her. and when he's down your not aloud anywhere near!? I'm nearly choking with disgust. I think your instincts are starting to tell you that there is seriously something up with this situation.Why is she with you? She is clearly not over her ex. I dread to say it but its likely there is more going on than you think. Just because they have shared that experience does not mean she can treat YOU like this and I don't think it makes her behaviour acceptable.Have you discussed your feelings with her. If you haven't then its time to lay all the cards out on the table. If she cares for you she will give you a reasonable explanation for her behaviour and she will consider your feelings. I think this girl is taking you for a ride and I think you need to make your feelings clear.If you are uncomfortable with something you have a right to say. Whilst your putting all your energy into understanding her you're forgetting all about yourself!
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A
female
reader, ladybaby +, writes (6 March 2006):
There's no point pressuring her to let you meet him, but if he rings and you happen to pick up the phone, make some small talk whilst she comes to answer, even if it's about the weather, football, etc... Show an interest in what they do on the weekend, maybe suggest a cool pub they can go for lunch. She may be worried that you are jealous of the relationship, and once she sees how much you trust her, she could well start including you in their meetings.If not, explain to her that her relationship with her ex may well be in the past, but her friendship is a present day thing and that you would love to be a part of that. He's not always going to be single, and I'm sure a woman won't put up with him disappearing every weekend to visit his ex without her.Good Luck!
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