A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Community, I need advice. I have been dating my g/f for 9 months now. Through out the relationship a lot has happened. I am no longer able to conduct my thoughts in a proper manner. I constantly think she is seeing someone now. It all began in the beginning of the relationship. She cheated on me with a man who was "gay" that she was hanging out with. I come to find out he was not gay, he was sleeping with her. She still to this day does not admit to sleeping with him, and says they just had oral sex. She also admits to kissing his brother. I have great belief she is minimizing her actions. That was in the beginning of the relationship and I wrote it off as no investment of the heart so understood. The relationship was new and not much involved. Now recently she graduated from college. She attended a graduation party without me and began to drink. I was at home studying and doing homework because I have not finished. She drank that night and ended up in another mans arms. She claims he attempted to kiss her and she rejected him, again I believe she is minimizing her actions. She returned home at 1 am. She did not give a honest reason for being late but later admitted to giving him a ride home at the end of the night. As time went on she admitted more and more honesty about what happened but, with so much defense to rummage through - how can I believe her? Now I am having episodes to where thoughts scurry through my head of her cheating on me. I think she has and does not admit it, knowing she will lose me. I also think by me supervising her actions has not lead her to be a better person, but has just taught her how to get better at hiding it. What should I do? I want my trusting relationship back! I love her and want to marry her, and we both talk of marriage but look at the current status! Im constantly paranoid, and cannot stand it! I just want to trust her again and would pay to be able to, which my logical idea was a polygraph. Is it unreasonable? How do I heal? As some of you can see I had a lot to say, but I'm completely lost and need advice desperately! Thank you in advance, I will respond to suggestions. 8)
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cheated on me, kissing, oral sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): If you are concerned that it is your baggage and can't be fixed you are right and you are wrong. The fact that your marriage ended because your wife cheated on you does make you hypersensitive to someone you are currently dating and how you trust them. That said, you can work on that by yourself or with a therapist. However, you may actually be picking the wrong kind of women, those who are a challenge because they cannot make a real commitment and have a propensity to cheat....what needs fixing is your ability to choose a better partner for yourself.
From everything you say about this woman you can't legitimately trust her, so move on and pick better next time. Just because you have herpes is no reason to swear off marriage all together. Talk to your doctor about this and how to manage it, there are medications that keep it in remission I am told, and you are contagious only when you are having an outbreak, so wear protection or abstain from sex until they are healed up....and just because you got that doesn't even mean you got it from her because she is promiscous. Herpes is a virus that can lay dormant in your spine near the tail bone for years and is brought about to be active due to illness and or stress.
So don't make that about either of your characters, it is just an unfortunate ailment that you have contracted who knows for sure how!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ everyone, we obtained herpes at the beginning of the relationship and do not want to spread it, then what is the plan of action? she claims it is all me and I am the one who is paranoid. I am hoping she is not spreading it. I am hoping this is not happening and it is just my baggage. All I want is piece of mind that she is not so I can continue to the playful relationship we already have. I told her I am scared of marriage at this time tonight, and she always portrays it to her family as just my baggage. Really it is a case of history between us. I wish it could all just be forgotten and we could move forward, because if I don't survive this relationship I will probably just remain single for the rest of my life. I refuse to spread what I have. I have been married and in a few other relationships. The marriage ended because of adultery on my ex-wife's part. Does anyone think this is my baggage? or is it just our history? can it be fixed?
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A
female
reader, lilmisse2424 +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Hi there,
She seems like the girl that is selfish with her love life and takes her sex life too lightly. I think you are better off without her. it is important to have trust, love, and respect for one another.
It seems like love is the only thing that is holding your relationship, and it should be more than that, so if I were you, I would end it or leave. You gave your heart to the wrong woman.
Good Luck!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): There are always clues. Her phone and her internet/email activity will tell you all you need to know. You can install an amazing surveillance called Webwatcher (look it up on line) which is totally undetectable and records every word on a remote website that you can access. You can buy credits from a company called “Followme” for your phone. You switch your phone to silent, hide it in her car and log on to their website. You can see where she goes in her car!Having said that it seems to me that what you need is proof you can’t trust her, when you really already know it. You shouldn’t need any of this.
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A
male
reader, Ordinaryrisktaker +, writes (31 March 2008):
Well you obviously are blinded by her listen man.Listen if she goes to some party and not invite you and whatnot there is obviously something not good going on.You can tell when a women is lying i'm a few years younger than you but i can tell when someone is lying.A women way of you telling that she lies that is either she don't give eye contact, or she does but in some way you feel that somethings not right.Listen you do not want to marry a women that you know will keep with her tricks.But ok if you still want to continue check her purse in a time when you know she's accupied. if you see any unfamilier number or in any possible way some contact you do not know of give this phone number a call.Make sure that the person don't know who exactly you are or else if by some way they found out you blew it.But if she is cheating on you and you find out break up with her the same moment you found out trust me it's better to end a untrustworthy relationship as soon as possible to prevent further suffering.If so move on until you find that someone that will feel the same for you.I hope i helped in anyway goodluck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): If you don't trust this woman and are monitoring her actions all of the time, then you have no business wanting to marry her.
Ask yourself why you want to put yourself through this torture for a woman who does not inspire the best in you...but instead inspires the worst.
There is something missing here pal, and it most likely is her lack of commitment to the relationship. Nine months may seem like a long time, but it isn't. It takes at least a year and a half to two years to truly know another person's character, their true colors. If she is this much of a tart, then she is probably just that way and what happened in the beginning of your relationship is most likely to continue because that is her character, she has the propensity to cheat because she wants to do so.
Time to take a personal inventory here as well. What is it about you that seems to think love is about posession? If she wants to have her cake and eat it too, then you need to give her what she wants, her freedom...and go on with your life without her or make her a friend, but don't marry a woman who you cannot trust when you want fidelity and all that goes with that.....You can't monitor someone to make them a better person, and yes she is going to get better at hiding it because that is who she is. Face it, own it, and decide what you are going to do for you because you are the only person you can change.
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