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*lobalchill
writes: I can’t cope anymore – need some help!Last year I got moved to a small office with only four people. One was around my age, a really attractive girl called Lana. I knew from the start she had a boyfriend and I myself was in a new relationship.Anyway over the coming months we became very friendly and got on really well. I enjoyed going to work to see her; we went for drinks after work and talked for hours. The flirting kept getting stronger; people even commented that there was chemistry between us. I ended my relationship because I wasn’t happy and I kept thinking of Lana. On a night out she was giving me lots of signs she wanted me, but me being quite shy and the fact she had a bf, meant I didn’t do anything about them. The flirting, phone calls etc kept going for the next little while and she would talk about her relationship and its problems.Eventually I told her how I felt and she said she felt the same and we ended up seeing each other whenever we could. We started sleeping together and falling in love but she never mentioned ending her relationship with her bf. Infact he was talking about getting a house together and they picked one out, but in the end she didn’t go through with it because of feelings for me and being unsure. After about five months of having an affair with her we both knew she had to make a decision about what she wants. Eventually she decided to split up with her bf, and although we never told anyone we were going out we carried on. She had been going out with her bf since she was 16 (she’s 20 now), so naturally it was a big change him not being about, when he was with her all the time in the last four years. He kept phoning and she kept talking to him which I think doesn’t help a break-up. I knew she was meeting him and talking and jealousy got the better of me and I ended up getting quite frustrated and angry at her. She wouldn’t talk to me about what was going on but I had a feeling she was going to give it another chance with him. Due to us fighting she said she didn’t want to loose me, and if we were going to fight we should go back to being friends. This meant she could go back to her relationship and have me as a friend. This lasted about one week before she came round to see me saying she was missing me and ended up having sex with her a few times. She hadn’t had sex with her bf since we started seeing each other over 9 months now even though she got back with him. I promised myself not to have sex with her because that is like her having her cake and eating it, and to be honest it really confuses me and upsets me. I stupidly let my feelings take over and slept with her. We had a wonderful time, we are really good together, she says she really loves me, I know she is telling the truth due to the look in her eyes. I am trying to do the friend thing, but it’s so hard, we talk on the phone every night and hearing her talk about her bf and his talk about marriage and houses really gets to me. I try to be nice but I love her and it drives me mad. I can’t understand her because I know she is unsure about marriage and future with him. I suggested that I take a month to clear my head and try to get over my feelings but she said that wouldn’t help. She says she can’t live without me and if I go for a month I won’t come back. She says she knows she will always really love me but you just have to get on with it.Friday night there was an all time low, she phoned telling me she had freaked out when having sex with her bf for the first time in 9 months. She said she left crying and it felt wrong, and that she kept thinking about me when it was happening. I told her that yes I was a friend but due to the circumstances she should not be talking about this with me that was for her to deal with as she made the decision. The only time I would want to talk about that was if she knew it was a mistake and wanted to get back together with me. She said she was all confused and was scared she had made the wrong decision. This had my head all over the place and on Sunday she came round to talk, and surprise surprise we ended up sleeping together, which I really really regret know because where has it got me. However since then she is still with her bf although she’s avoiding sex with him. I know a lot of you will say to me that I am bad for getting involved with someone with a bf. I have never cheated in my life, it’s happened to me a couple of times and it’s not nice. I didn’t mean for this to happen, we just clicked and it was special and I’ve fallen very much in love with her. I ma not proud of possibly affecting others relationships but I suppose I did know the situation I was getting myself into. I just got carried away by emotions and hoped for a happy outcome. This was the first time in 4 years things were going good in my life, I had been suffering from depression, and had been on drugs, but I was moving on trying very hard. This was the first time in a very long time that a pretty girl was interested in me and liked me for being me. I am so depressed again and I miss her terribly, and I’m finding it hard being a friend. I don’t want her out of my life but I feel like I’m not moving on and maybe the only way to do that is to stop talking to her.We have a xmas work party this weekend and I know she is expecting us to spend the night together, I want to because I love her but I’m thinking maybe to just say no, and that if she wants to sleep with me then she should leave her bf. She says she wouldn’t cope if I got another girlfriend, and would be really jealous, she gets angry when I flirt with other women. I said if she’s my friend she should help me find a nice new girlfriend to which she said she would def not, because she doesn’t want anyone else having me. I’m sorry this is so long; I hope it is printed, I have probably missed lots of things out but I’ll not write anymore. I do know she cares for me and loves me but she admits she is bad at making decisions and can’t make them. She says she loves two people even though I don t understand that. Also that it’s a different kind of love that she has for him and me.What should I do? I really want her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): You need to cut her out of your life completely, don't ever talk to her again, talkign to her doesn't help. It's pretty simple why: you are depressed you cannot be happy, she won't love someone who is depressed and eventually will get back to her bf, having sex, and will keep you as an object to talk to you. You need to change job, city and never
see her again. It is going to be hell for a while but you should end up in the same spot you were after those 4 years of depression, the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.
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male
reader, Globalchill +, writes (8 December 2005):
Thanks everyone, I was honestly expecting to hear quite a lot of the things said. I dont view her as a trophy, its just I love her dearly, when we are with each other we forget everything and have such beautiful times together. We get on so well in everyway, she told me I make her the happiest shes been in a long time and showed her whats shes missing. If I suspected she was just messing with me I would have ended it a long time ago, its because of these strong feelings we keep getting back with each other. We have both tried to put a stop to it many times before but always end up back in the same situation. Also I got moved office again two months ago so we arent working together anymore but still talk a lot. She maintains that she wants me in her life but I just cant do the friends thing at the min. I would like to maybe able to do it in the future but it hurts too much now.She seems pretty serious about her decision this time and I know shes really trying. I think I should just back off and try to move on. I feel maybe if I make no contact then she might realise whats shes missing, on the other hand she might move on. Its all a gamble.I could deal with it better if she hadnt said a few things when she had a drink, Things like she wants to be with me all the time, we should go and get married, i should have got her pregnant, she loves me, cant live without me, and why did she sleep with me three times after making her decision. The mental pain of all this is too much for me.Thanks again for all your replies, i know I deserve better, I just worry about finding another chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): Somehow I find this story very touching and I am hoping for the best for you.I think since it seem like she has a lot of indecision problems, it would be good for you two to start some couples consoling. In order for you two to make a real decision you may need to get out of the same work environment.
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female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (8 December 2005):
 What can I say... but ... Lana is a conniving little vixen.She is playing with your feelings. She wants the best of both worlds, wanting her cake and eating it too.You my sweet, are far too soft for this girl, she is going to hurt you badly, it is inevitable.She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either... you have been blinded by her enchanting gaze... she is bringing out the heavy artillary on you and you are falling for it every time.She is undecisive and manipulating and you need to stand up for yourself and stop thinking with your balls and start thinking with your brains.I know this must be bitter pill for you to swallow, but you are accepting unacceptable behaviour from her and I actually don't think she gives a damn who she is hurting.You need to get her out of your immediate environment and distance yourself, step back and take a harder look at her treatment of you.I am sure you agree, you deserve so much more than she is willing to offer you.Be Happy and Take Care.
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female
reader, wiltingmagnolia +, writes (8 December 2005):
Your letting her have her cake and eat it too. Her BF is a comfort zone for her and she is doing things that suggest she wants to try something different but that other relationship is just so comfortable. She is leading the other guy on by being with you and letting him pick out houses. You need to ask her if she really wants a husband, home and family or does she want to be in a steady BF/GF relationship with you. If she got another job and there was a guy there she thought was cute, would she do this to you? You need to find out if she has ever seen anyone else before you while she has been with this BF. See if this is a pattern for her. I know you love her but what if in 4 years you are the BF and some one else is writing this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): By reading your posting, it doesn't sound like Lana's passion for you exists mutually, dear. It appears she loves her current bf more than you or she would be by your side and not his. You just have to accept this and move on with your life. Love always brings consequences..sometimes the consequences are wonderful-sometimes they are devastating, but that is not where you learn. It is the process of love, more than the consequences that should teach you to choose a new path..to expand your life and make you happy. Feeling and just feelings are dictating your everyday actions here and it's consuming you. Think with your brain..not your heart and take the common sense approach. Lana has made her choice and it's not you. You took the plunge, didn't think rationally and you jumped into a "love triangle" and now you got hurt. This is the risk of love and the result of not thinking things through.
So yes, your emotions got the best of you..now take what you learned and walk away from all this. Commit to accepting yourself and commit to standing up for yourself. Take back your power and make a choice to love someone else who will commit totally just to you. Lana is NOT that woman. Heal from this...and then go out and find someone who sees and loves you..just for who you are. Someone else
who has the desire to want to know you better than anyone else on the planet. I wish you well and please try to stay focused and in your next relationship...gaurd your heart until you know exactly that "she's" (the next love) is the one for you. Do not-I repeat-do not put your feelings into overdrive, anymore..it gets you in trouble! Take care my dear and good luck in what lays ahead of you.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, janleid +, writes (8 December 2005):
Do you love her or do you see her as a trophy? If she’s a trophy then you are not ready to be in any relationship because despite the improvement you’ve made emotionally you still rely on other people to determine how you feel about yourself. This is a big mistake because then that person is always in control. She loves you,you’re happy; she doesn’t you fall apart and injure your other important connections. If you are sulky at work that doesn’t make you look like a prime candidate for managing new accounts, now does it?She sounds like a charming woman who is good with relationships, even if she doesn’t give herself credit for the decisions she makes. You need to channel your focus though so you continue building on the skills you have, in life and love. One important relationship skill is planning. If you can treat this situation more objectively, ask yourself where you see this relationship in two years. If you want to know how serious she is about you. Ask her if she would be willing to change jobs to create the breathing space you both need if you are to start your life together. Asking her if she will leave her boyfriend is not a clear indication of how she feels because it seems like he is dependent on her as well and she's attracted to this dynamic. Did she want you to ask her to marry you, and for the two of you to buy a house together? If she’s marriage minded then the other guy asking her to marry him and offering a house is a major incentive. If home ownership is not one of your primary goals right now that’s fine too, but it is still adding some tension to your relationship. If she stays with you and doesn’t have the luxuries she would have had with him resentment can build up.How can you be sure she won’t sleep with someone else once the two of you are committed and exclusive? You broke up with the person you were seeing while she continued her relationship. Think about this. It seems she goes back and forth between rational decisions and feelings.What to do? You can take a month off. Stay on top of your fitness, emotional, and job goals. Treat yourself to something nice (you've been under a lot of stress lately)Ask her to change jobs, or change jobs yourself. Have the conversation about the relationship (in public, after the month is over, set ground rules about communication: if either of you want out for any reason you come to the person and speak frankly about it, no cheating. To survive in this relationship you have to be centered and less invested. Pace yourself.Hope this helps.
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