A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have a female friend who has recently separated from her husband. I have made it clear that I am here for her if she needs me to be but have tried not to smother her. She has other close friends. The problem is that she will send me a message to say she is feeling sad and she would like to meet up etc and then I don't hear anything from her. I realise she is going through a tough time and want to be there for her if she wants me to, but i'm finding it quite hard. Partly, because when she stops messaging me, I worry about her because I know how down she is, but also because I don't want to feel like she's using me. I really don't want to make a big deal of this because I know she's got a lot on her mind, but don't know whether I should tell her how i'm feeling or let things carry on as they are? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 I think one thing that is difficult to grasp from your post is whether you are romantically interested in this woman. If you are, I would suggest keeping your distance. She has a lot of mental/emotional work to do within herself before she will be ready for a relationship. For some it can be months, but for others it can be years. It sounds like she is clinically depressed and probably will be for awhile. She has been through a traumatic experience.
If you just want to be there for her as a friend, I think you just have to be mature about this. Let her come to you, and do not worry about "making plans". If she asks you to meet up somewhere, and then fails to meet you at least twice in a row, I would make some rules for yourself regarding your involvement with her. Such as: Don't meet her anywhere, tell her she is welcome to come to your home anytime and you can order out for some food, or come to your home and you will make some coffee. Or, tell her that since your "meet-up" plans sometimes fall through, she is welcome to call you and talk anytime. That way, you are still there for here, but you are not feeling jerked around all the time.
Honestly, when people are grieving, confused, and depressed, they often cannot find the energy to meet up with others and do normal things, so this is not surprising to me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. Just to give you a bit of an update. I chatted to a mutual friend about the situation, and she's been feeling the same. I have spoken to my friend and basically been honest and said that I want to be here for her if she is feeling down, but that I'm not prepared to be used. She still seems very down but I feel better that i've made my feelings clear. We're meeting for a coffee tomorrow, so will see how that goes. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Tell her your worried about her. You are there for her but not to be used either for convinence. Let her know what your there for to be a friend lover sex buddy that would clarify things a little.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I suggest that you stay away from her and let her endure the turmoil that is going on between her and her hubby... and let that play out WITHOUT you in the picture...
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (30 September 2012):
I would tell her. In fact, I would tell her how you feel if you really care about her. I would tell her that you know she is going through a hard time, but you are upset by the fact that she makes plans with you and they always fall through. Seriously, if you tell her exactly how you feel and she doesn't respond, then you can always start distancing yourself from her. Sometimes it is good to "be there" for people, but sometimes those same people can bring you down. It isn't worth your time and effort to help if she does not really want it. If you're interested in her, I would also tell her that. Tell her it upsets you to see her this way, but if she is not going to follow through on her plans with you, that you will have to say goodbye to her. You should get an answer from her one way or another.
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