A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My question deals with an overprotective mother. I am 22, going on 23 in 3 months. I never dated in high school because of how she over reacts about boys. It was just easier to not date then to constantly argue with her. So yesterday, I had my guy friend pick me up from my house because we were going to hang out with some other friends of ours. I know how my mom is so I let her know ahead of time that a boy would pick me up. She seemed fine. Once I got home that evening, my sister informed me that my mother went off about me. Saying how this guy was my boyfriend, that he's ugly (although she didn't even see him be was in the car)! Saying how I'm being slutty having a guy pick me up. She's not very reasonable at all and it's difficult to even attempt to talk to her because everything turns into a fight. I try to be honest with her because I know how she is because of her paranoia and anxiety but the least she can do it try to be understanding of me. To over react like that because a boy picked me up, when I am 22 years old is ridiculous. I can't open up to her about anything because I know I'll be ridiculed behind my back to either my sister or father. My question is how do I tell my mom that how she's acting is only pushing me away? How do I talk to her and get her to be reasonable with me about things? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2012):
 I totally agree with the advice to move out and get your own place. Your Mom needs to have those apron strings cut and she obviously isn't going to get out the scissors herself. Do what you have to do to make it happen. Your relationship with your mother will improve with a little distance, I think.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2012):
 your mom vented to your sister.
your sister choose to share it with you
nothing needs to be said unless your mother comes right out to your face and says it to you at which time you can say
"mom I appreciate your concern but I'm 23 and you have to trust that you raised me right and let me live my life"
are you making plans to move out?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 As has been pointed out, your mother vented in the privacy of her own home in the presence of a very small circle of those closest to you, who know you well, and love you. Not strangers whose opinion of you would be formed by her comments.
The fact that she was calm and waited until you left before boiling over, suggests to me she is wrestling with this, and she is concerned about fighting and pushing you away. She may not be great at dealing with it, but she is aware of it and does care.
Your sister did you no favours by telling you what your mother said, but I chalk that up to immaturity.
The best way to encourage your mother to trust your decisions is to SHOW her by making smart ones. You haven't much experience dating, and she hasn't much experience dealing with you dating. Give it time.
And in the meantime stop trying to talk about it. You may be able to confide in your mum about other things, but not this so save yourself and everyone else the headache.
Common ground is fertile ground so rebuild your relationship on that instead of trying to build it on thistles and thorns.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Did you mom have you and your sister when she was really young?
That would be my guess, and that she is afraid that you will end up a young mother and not reach for the sky.
I would also suggest that you sit down with her and talk to her.
At 22, isn't it about time to leave the nest and live your OWN life?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 September 2012):
The same questions you ask us are the same questions you should ask her. I admit she could be a little more reasonable but the thing is that she only complained to your sister. At least she didnt blow up in your face or your guy. I couldn't imagine how a mother feels so I can't tell you what she wants. Maybe she needs to be more involved in your life, and at least for her to be familiar with the people who are picking you up.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 When you live under your parents' roof, then THEY set the rules... AND that means (as you know) that they get to see the intimate details of your life.....
IF you don't care to have that... then get your own address....
As for your Mother and her comments about you and those you hang with.... it's clear (and you KNOW this) that she is uber-critical.... so, if you don't wish to endure that (her angst) then YOU have to change things so that you are out from under her umbrella....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Why are you living with your mother? Financial reasons? You are an adult now, why can you not live on your own?
My father is over-protective as well, I never told him I have boys for friends, and never told him about a boyfriend until I moved in with one and lived with him. But by then I had already lived on my own for 3 years.
Move out. That's how you deal with this. You move out.
Don't tell her this behaviour is pushing you away, anyone with common sense would understand that by themselves. You see the thing is your mother doesn't care that she is pushing you away, because she's so lost in her own warped thought-pattern she thinks she's entitled to say and do whatever she wants. She doesn't care. It's not your fault that your relationship is falling apart, it is her own doing, and she doesn't care. She doesn't want to be reasonable, and she never will be.
Just move out, and tell her if she can't talk to your properly you wont talk to her at all. Although I think that would just result in you not speaking to one another. My dad is warped, completely. Lives in a world of his own, where "common sense" is that he is right, and the rest of the world is wrong. No good talking to him. My brother refuses to speak to him now, and despite being told over and over why he's cut contact with our dad, dad STILL REFUSES to understand why. Refuses to accept that this can be a reason. Refuses to see that he went too far, refuses to think that he did something wrong.
Everyone else are wrong... the entire world is wrong. But he is right. And I think the same goes for your mother.
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