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male
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*cott W
writes: Hi everyone,So my girlfriend and I have been together for four and a half years now. We met at the end of high school and maintained the relationship throughout college (we did the long distance thing for a year as we went to different colleges and then she transferred to my school sophomore year). We both have a couple more classes to take before we can actually graduate and she decided to take a year abroad in Paris while I decided to finish up at school. Like anyone, I was completely shocked when she told me she wanted to go so far away for so long but I knew she had always wanted to live in Paris and this was a great opportunity for her personally so I got on board and was excited (at least tried to act like I was) for her. Now, she left about a month ago and when I talked to her on phone for the first couple weeks we would talk frequently and for quite a while and I would help her when she was feeling lonely and homesick. However, now that she has become more acclimated to the city and has made a lot of friends, when I talk to her, she doesnt even make an effort to have a real conversation. It's like she just goes through the motions with me and says she has to go. When I confront her about it she acts increasingly smug and simply wont have a real, mature conversation. She says she doesnt know what to say and that she is just really busy. What I dont understand is how someone could go from two opposite poles so quickly to the point that now there is really no point for us to talk because she there is zero effort from her side. I know long distance is really hard but we both have to put in the work and at this point, she seems like she doesnt want to put in the work. I really thought that we had something that could last but if she acts like this merely after a couple weeks maybe I misjudged what we had. Or am I taking it too personal and rushing to conclusions by not being understanding enough? Now I know alot of people have done the long distance thing and I was wandering what people think I should do? Should I try to be patient and stick it out hoping that she circles back around or should I end the relationship if it continues? I mean I really love this girl and up until a week or so ago she would have told you the same. She would tell me how much she wanted me to be there and we had made plans for me to visit after my classes end. Now I just don't know... I just am so lost right now and I hate being so helpless here. Can someone give me some advice?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (18 September 2006):
 Hi Scott,
I agree with Wendy. If you've spoken with her and she says that she feels like she will want to date others in the future, then I think that it's time to let go of each other. It seems like you both know that this is probably the end. What makes her want to stick around is proably the fact that she's not quite ready to leave yet, knowing that you two have been together for so long and have gone through so much.
I think you should do both of yourselves a favor and end it. The longer you both sit around, the more it's going to gnaw at you. That's a terrible feeling and knowing where you both stand, even if it's a break up, is probably the better way to go.
I'm sorry to hear that things ended up this way for you. But at least you have an idea of what she's really thinking now instead of being in the dark like you were before.
Take care.
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (18 September 2006):
 Hey, I know how difficult this must feel for you and breaking up is never easy whatever the circumstances. But I dont think you will be doing yourself any favours hanging around until she decides enough is enough, that just isnt fair. Its almost like she has said im going to date other people but until then we can stay together, that isnt fair on anyone. She either wants to make this work or she doesnt, i know you do, but it seems she has spread her wings and realsied that she now maybe wants something different.
I would talk to her again and tell her how you are feeling in that you feel your just waiting for her to say its over and you feel that its not fair that you sit around waiting for her to end it. Be strong now and let her know that whilst you dont want to break up you thinks its only fair she let you go, this will either prompt her to say oh I dont want to break up im sorry maybe it can work, or to agree with you. that way you can move on. I wouldnt sit tight waiting for her to make the decision though, you are either going to give this a go together, or unfortunatley go your seperate ways.
Good luck and take care x
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A
male
reader, Scott W +, writes (18 September 2006):
Scott W is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, first I would like to thank everyone for their really helpful answers. I think I have to get more accustomed to the situation and be more patient with my expectations. But I also want to provide an update.
So I spoke to her the other day and she tells me that she doesn't know if we can make it through this and she feels that it is likely that she will want to date other people in the future there. She says she doesn't want to break up (yet) but she feels she needs to be honest with me about it. Obviously, this comes as a bit of surprise due to the fact that she only recently was so sure about us. Now I am trying to prepare myself to move on and be independent but I can't help but wanting to do something about the situation. Does anyone think there is anything I can still do or am I just a lame duck at this point? I know I still want to be with her but would it be better just to end the relationship or wait until it unravels itself? I just don't want to have false hope and if the relationship is over I want to start moving on immediately. Anyone have any advice?
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A
male
reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Scott, I think you should hang on a while. She hasn't even been gone long enough to really get homesick. I'm sure that she's still caught up in the adventure of being someplace new. I'm like that in Amsterdam and Rome. I love my family dearly, but when I'm in Europe, I forget all about home.
You should use this time apart from her to explore new friendships and things, too. For instance, if there's something cool you've always wanted to do or someplace you've wanted visit, now's the time do it.
I think relationships are healthier when couples can have different interests and spend time apart. She may feel that you're being too needy and possessive. You didn't stop her from going, so give her the space she needs now. More than likely, after she's been there several months, she'll start to get homesick, and you'll have more calls from her than you can handle. Or, you might find that the distance is insurmountable and you want to move on.
Now is just too early to tell. You're an adult. Be patient and see where things go.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (13 September 2006):
sorry, in the first sentence of the second paragraph, i mean to write "...having as much *fun* as she seems to be having."
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (13 September 2006):
sorry, in the first sentence of the second paragraph, i mean to write "...having as much *fun* as she seems to be having."
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (13 September 2006):
Hi Scott,
Listen, your girlfriend is in a new place and is happy exploring and making new friends. She is just having a good time, getting out, making friends, and seeing the place she's always wanted to live in. Be happy for her - she's where she wants to be and doing what she wants to do. Give her time to do this.
Right now you're feeling pushed away because you're still in the same old place and not having as much as she seems to be having. That's completely understandable and most people would probably feel the same way. But in order to get out of this rut that you're in, I suggest getting involved more with school (your classwork, sports, etc) or things around the community (volunteer work at assisted living homes, museums, etc.) or just plain getting together with your friends. Do something positive with yourself to try and help getting rid of these lousy feelings.
When you two talk on the phone, then you will both be able to share what new things you have done. Then the both of you might be able to have another 'interesting' conversation instead of something that was hollow. Let me ask you this, are you being positive on the phone with her or just complaining that she doesn't want to talk anymore? If it's the latter, then I kind of see why she wouldn't want to stay on the phone with you. As much as you would want to tell her, it will only drag her down. Do you see what I mean?
It's obvious that you two care about each other, don't throw it away. She stayed with you the whole year when she was away from you at school and then switched schools to be closer. You also made it work when she was attending a different school. That takes dedication. Just let her have a good time and don't stress out. It will only hurt the both of you in the end. But, if for some reason it doesn't work out (I don't want to bring up the negative, but I do think it should be addressed), then at least you can have piece of mind that you didn't end it prematurely and that you were the best boyfriend you could be.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, sarah y +, writes (13 September 2006):
It sounds as if the distance between you is putting a hugh strain on your relationship.Your girlfriend has started to feel settled and at home in paris and meeting new people.Maybe you need to tell her how you feel and decide whether you can both really make the effort for the sake of your relationship or not.If you ask most people who have been in long distance relationships most will say they have not lasted.I was in a long distance relationship and it lasted a month if that..Good luck.
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