A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been seeing a girl for the past few months, we have become very close and have fallen in love with each other! she has been getting pressure from her ex to get back together and has been pulling on her heartstrings and saying she should give them another chance for the sake of the kids! she has now decided to go back to him! this is the fourth time they will have got back together! to me that says it just wont work but she says she has to do it for the sake of the kids! he has been ringing her up to 6 times a day putting pressure on! she says she is not in love with him but is in love with me? what do i do its so painful to watch this happen
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female
reader, CHASINGCARS +, writes (23 August 2008):
Remove yourself from the situation. If she really wants you she will come and seek you out- be it 6 months from now or a year. Real love never dies and it is you she probably loves but she and her ex have to experience the "her being with him and being in love with you" situation. That is the only way he is going to let her go. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you;
I suggest you in a very loving non emanding way suggest to this lady to go for counseling before she makes this fienal move; not just for her or for you but also for the sake of her children; they must be so confused by now;
I honesltly suggest this woman needs professional help to sort out her life; yes I can understand her moeves "on behalf of the children" but longterm she is not dong the kids any good either;
She really needs to think about herself first and if she is happy (being it in a relationship wiht you or not) the children will be happy too;
It is better for the kids to grow up with there parents separated then in a situation where there is no love and lots of conflict.
My advice to you is: convince her to go for counseling!
My thoughts are with you; best wishes and keep SMILING (it is healthy).
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A
female
reader, doe44  +, writes (23 August 2008):
Tell your girl that what is outside is always more attracting. If you were in and her husband was out, she then would like the husband more.
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A
male
reader, pursuit of happiness +, writes (23 August 2008):
I assume you don't have kids. She probably feels a passionate deep love for you, but she feels a more practical, platonic, day to day love for the combination of her husband and children. If she really hated her husband she would not go back, more likely she is just not turned on in passionate way to him anymore, or other practical things, like money worries push her away from him. It is often hard for single people to understand this kind of conflict, but it is the same one that drives a man to have affairs or casual sex while never leaving his wife and kids.If she did leave him for you, after a few years she would most likely begin tot feel the same way about you and have an affair with someone else. If you are happy to remain her lover, then stay available, if you want someone to be with forever, find someone else. (perhaps you could stay friends with her though.)She doesn't love you more than her kids, and if she did, there would be something wrong with her. Most people will die for the kids, many will become prostitutes for their children, so staying with the children's father when she is no longer passionately in love, is a small sacrifice for a parent to make for the benefit of her kids.It is really devastating for children to have their parents split up and so even if I had an affair with a married woman, I would not want to be the cause of her breaking up with her children's father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): Let her go back but be sure she knows precisely how you feel - that you are letting her go because you love her. I don't think it may last because 'just for the sake of the kids' more often than not wears thin and all the old reasons for the break up remain - unless a lot of work is put in. Guilt is not a reason to be with someone. If you are loving and patient you can wait - but she should know you are free to start dating if she makes this move. Do not wait for her but socialise with other women. Forcing her to be with you will not help either of you. This is really tough for you and all I would say is give it six months. If she is still with him give it up. The other thing to avoid is being her 'prop' when things get tought with her ex (which they will). Keep your distance otherwise you will just perpetuate their relationship.
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A
female
reader, jess.eva +, writes (23 August 2008):
You may think this is hurting you, her going back to her ex. But think of her children. As a child, being brought up by your biological parents, as opposed to being brought up in a lone parent home, or in a home with a step parent, is a lot easier. ( I am not saying that the children would not be raised to the same good standard of care with just one parent, but as many people know, it is alot easier to have two parents around. ) You also have left out whether the children are with her, or with her ex. If they are in the custody of this women, the real question is not whether she should be with you or her ex, but would you be willing to parent her children?
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A
female
reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (23 August 2008):
 The only thing you can do is try and talk to her. She's made the decision and if you try and force her back to you you're going to be just as bad as him.
Tell her that the kids could be just as happy living with you and her. My uncle split with his wife; his childrens' mother and he remarried and they're happy. Their mother also remarried and they don't really like their step-mother but they love their step-dad.
Just bide your time. If they've split and got together again many times before then what's different about this time. They're probably going to split up again; your time to play the loving boyfriend and take her back and help her with the kids.
She probably doesn't realise, but they're probably causing the kids more stress than they think. It must be a horrible position for the children not knowing whether their parents are going to be together tomorrow or not.
It sounds like she'd be better of without him and it would make the kids more mentally stable too as their parents wouldn't be splitting and getting back together constantly.
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A
female
reader, minnie1234 +, writes (23 August 2008):
this is a tricky situation. dont feel like you are getting in the way because you both have something new and strong. of course their children need a mother. but if the children realise that their mother and father are treating each other badly then its not good for them wen they get older. because they wont knw the meaning of love. i wonder why they separated in the first place. i think you all need to have a talk about the future because the children are involved too now.
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