A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:There's a very similar question on here but mine maybe has a different twist to it. So me and my boyfriend have maybe not been as good as we were at other points in our relationship. We have been together nearly 2 years and met in work when his friend told me he had an interest in me. Prior to knowing this, I thought his friends girlfriend and him had a thing going on (I was new to work so didn't know the ins and outs of the relationships). Anyway, carrying on, this girl was close to my boyfriend and at times it bothered me because I feel insecure but he usually reassured me I had nothing to worry about - but that didn't stop me worrying. So this girl wasn't on the 'scene' for a while until me and my boyfriend went for a meal and she reached out to him on social media about a family member being ill, now fair enough if she can't go to her own boyfriend with problems like this and I can understand to a certain extent but it was strange at the time. Anyway, my boyfriend one day expressed that he was getting 'bothered' about some guys on my social media so asked if I would not speak to them so said yes, I wasn't really friendly with them so I didn't have anything to lose. But when I ask him to delete this girl - who I now see as being a big problem in our relationship he gets moody about it saying she's only a friend. But I did the same for him??? I don't know what to do because this girl is making me feel down and I'm worrying lots about it. Is there anything I should/could do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 I don't think that their really is anything you can do, if he wants to be her friend and he knows your worries then you cannot really stop him. However he should not have asked you to delete guys from your social media. You guys need trust.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 March 2017):
 Here is my thing:
1. I don't think a BF/GF has a "right" to control their partner's social media or circle of friends. There might be friends of your (general you) partner that you feel is toxic, but it's YOUR partner's job to figure that out and remove them IF they indeed ARE toxic. Sometimes it's can be VERY telling what kind of a person someone is, JUST by looking at the company they keep.
2. This girl is NOT your problem. YOU have no control here. Whatever she feels about or think about your BF - her being on his friend's list or not... doesn't make a difference. If she "WANTS" him and HE allows inappropriate behavior - THAT is on him. NOT her. All you CAN control is how to REACT to things. YOU presumed that because you removed some guys from your social media on his request he should do the same. These guys were people you weren't really friends with - so NOT quite the same. A little of the same kind, though, he shouldn't EXPECT you to remove people if he is not willing to do the same.
3. HAVE clear boundaries. WHAt you BOTH feel is appropriate when it comes to friends of the opposite gender.
4. MEET her in person if possible. It might actually "calm" your fears and it might also serve as a reminder (in a nice way) for HER to see that SHE needs to respect HIS relationship with you. Much easier to DO that if she has met you in person. And who knows you might even gain a friend.
5. Don't date men you distrust. If you distrust his interactions with her (or hers with him, same difference) then maybe you don't have a strong relationship at all, to begin with. If he is inappropriate with her (or any other female) maybe HE is not a good match for you. SHE is not the one you should focus on, HE IS.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 March 2017):
 In my view, neither of you should be asking the other to drop friends without valid reason - and being "bothered" by them is not, in my book, a valid reason.
If your boyfriend is already showing controlling behaviour like this, then I would tread very carefully. Once you start doing as he asks, he will probably want more and more control.
As for this girl, you too have no right to ask your boyfriend to cut contact with her just on the grounds of her making you feel uncomfortable. You need to ask yourself why she makes you feel uncomfortable. If there is a genuine reason and your boyfriend still refuses to cut contact with her, then you need to re-assess your relationship and decide whether it is still good for you. You are young; what was right for your 2 years ago is not necessarily the case now as you change so much at your age.
Dare I suggest that perhaps it is time to go out and meet other people and that maybe your relationship has run its course?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2017): He has no right to set a double-standard and ask you to remove all the guys you have on social media and discontinue contact; then turnaround and refuse to do the same about his female acquaintances. Not just that one particular girl.
This is where you remind him what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Don't allow any guy to apply rules and set standards on you that he will not honor himself for you.
You must keep balance in your relationship. Inform him maybe you will not remove any more of your male acquaintances after-all. You were going to do it to prove your loyalty; but now you see he doesn't respect your feelings or rights on equal terms. You have no romantic-feelings for the guys, so they're already in their proper places. Just friends and acquaintances you've always known.
You'll both have to trust each other. No trust, no relationship.
What doesn't make much sense here, is that you've been together for two years; and he knew her before he met you.
They had an ongoing-friendship that you were actually aware of. This didn't just spring out of nowhere.
I can see your concern if they were too touchy-feely; or if she imposes on your time together. It would be fair to ask him to minimize his contact with her, when you're with him; and keep all things in the realm of friendly-behavior when you're not. You should show some compassion in this case.
You can only set boundaries where they apply and are necessary; not dictate to him who should be his friends.
Your jealousy or insecurity are not the reasons to make any demands. Boundaries are set to avoid inappropriate situations; and to stop behavior that crosses the lines of friendship. You both act on the honor-system. You stop dating other people, not disown your friends!!!
Your discomfort may be unsubstantiated. You're only justified to inform him of your uneasy-feelings; if you actually see something wrong, and there is mounting-evidence to support your concerns. I can only pickup jealousy as your motive.
When you become exclusive as a couple, you change your behavior around the people you used to date; and you keep your friends in the friend-zone. You don't just drop your friends, because you get involved in a relationship. That's a rotten thing to do to your friends.
You'll need their love and support through tough periods, and to celebrate your good-times and victories. You'll need social stimulation and interaction with outsiders. Don't abandon all others to center your whole-life and all your attention around one guy. He's not your husband. That will easily spoil him, especially if he tells you to get rid of all your male friends. Who does he think he is?
Sort and remove guys because you want to, and when it's appropriate. If they're not friends, there's no reason they need to be listed as friends. Not because you've been ordered to do so.
Negotiate and compromise in your relationship based on fairness, not childish-insecurities or petty jealousy.
Always see yourself as an equal in any relationship. That's the only way to maintain respect and keep control-freaks in-check.
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