A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Firstly, a bit of background about my SO and how we met: I visited China about 1 year ago and met a nice tour guide. At the time she told me she was living with her cousin (later I found out she was still living with her ex but they weren't getting along - she didn't have an apartment to go to yet). We stayed in contact via skype and msn and I decided to study a tesol course so I could return to be with her. We have been living together for 4 months now. She's 23 and I'm 26.The relationship has been very stormy for a while now with a lot of ups and downs. She's said on several occasions that she no longer loves me etc etc but then turns around before the end of the day and apologises for the behaviour. I've sat her down and explained how her moodiness is affecting me but that I understand she is under pressure and needs to control it a bit.I began to worry she had bipolar disorder. But then I was told that women from her province have a tendency to be fighting types (don't really believe that). She seems a bit immature and cannot handle her alcohol very well. Plus she has talked about her dream to live in Europe - though she has said for a long time that she is happy to come to Australia with me.I'm concerned that maybe I could end up being used until something better comes along (she doesn't help with the rent or food) or I'm just a ticket overseas. The latter doesn't seem so plausible based on my own gut feelings.In the past 2 weeks things have been exceptionally good and we visited her hometown to meet the parents. Her family all approve of us and we have talked about settling down and the future direction of our relationship. I supported her during her grandfather's funeral (quite sad that her grandfather passed away exactly 1 year to the day after mine) and after she visited her other sick grandfather in the hospital. Also supported her the night before she left for Thailand by taking her to the hospital after she caught a bad stomach bug - helped her fill out 30 arrival cards for each of her tourists while she was on the drip. But now there is a huge problem. Well actually it's very complicated. I have always not fully trusted her (which I blame on a lack of relationship experience). She went away to Thailand for her first time overseas and as an international tour guide...Everything seemed ok but I worried that the presence of all of the foreigners (esp. Europeans) would prove very tempting in a holiday/tropical environment (I know holiday hook-ups are quite common in these places). She rang me earlier today to say she was tired from the night before (had to entertain her tourists until 2am apparently - again this is quite possible as they are not all families; some are young and they all wanted to celebrate Chinese New Year) and had finished her tours early and was doing some souvenir shopping. She remarked on the number of bars and brielfy mentioned the number of foreigners and how it's like a non-Asian country...I expressed concern and told her to take it easy and not drink too much and stay away from the bars. Assumed this wouldn't be a problem because she has to do a lot of tour organisation and be up early.However, later she rang back around 10pm to say she was tired but excited about the sheer number of Europeans and Americans. I began to get very worried at this point. I think it sounds very sleazy and disrespectful to ring me up to say something like that. I haven't been able to sleep tonight thinking that she is probably cheating on me while I type this. Her phone was switched off (she usually switches it off before she goes to bed around midnight anyway)...but I feel like she threw that in my face. Ugh! How can I trust her after saying that?Am I possibly over-reacting?What are some signs to look out for when she returns in a couple of days? Do you think the guilt would eventually prevent her from hiding any potential cheating moment?I'm now at the point where I want to walk away and just forget everything...I said all along that if my SO ever cheated on me, I would leave them. I still believe in that stance.A couple of my close friends said that I am overreacting and to stop being so bloody nervous. A couple of other more distant people were divided in opinions as to whether it constitutes cheating. One friend in particular thinks it's sleazy and I should not have put up with that - perhaps she is trying to do this on purpose so that I break up with her and 'save her face' (saving face is very important in Chinese culture).My parents caught wind of the news and they are less than impressed with my gf and think she possibly a sleaze and that my life will be filled with worries if I marry her or bring her out to Australia. They (esp. dad) now don't approve of her and think she is trying to get rid of me by showing a lack of respect for our relationship...Right now I'm confused and need to get things together...a part of me says there's no reason to cheat and no proof of it, whilst another side of me says that her jokes about me having competition when she comes back to Australia has me wondering if she is looking for a good time and possibly find something better.I would feel so bad if I was 100% wrong in my thinking that she is less than innocent. I guess it boils down to deciding if it's my insecurities or if I should just move on. A couple of times I've entertained the idea of just leaving immediately but after I cool down, I've realised a small problem appeared to be a larger one when emotions were involved.Perhaps I'm thinking too much and jumping to conclusions but it doesn't help to have her play on my insecurities.Look forward to hearing some advice on the situation and how I could possibly 'fix' or resolve my worries.
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cheated on me, cousin, her ex, immature, move on, msn Reply to this Question
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (19 February 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice angzw!
I was massively overreacting and should never have put my gf's intentions under scrutiny. I woke up to the fact that I've been acting very immature by not placing full trust in her - esp. as we have been living together for several months now and spend every night together. She keeps in regular contact whenever she has to go away for work to let me know how much she misses me! So she has shown 100% love to me and there's no reason why I should be questioning it now. After all, we did visit her hometown and got the approval of her parents for us to be together. We have shared many good times together and we have supported each other in both sickness and health.
The situation with the parents is ok now. I've stood up for her and let them know that I was in the wrong. Actually I quoted most of your advice ;) My mother fully supports my gf and quiite frankly I agree that there's a few aspects of my life that need cleaning up - starting with the immaturity and complaints about her. It's private matters and I should be acting as more of a man. Not a bloody teenager.
So thankyou so much for 'snapping me out of it'! I realise that I need to be so much more supportive of my gf and the pressures of her work. This inlcudes giving her plenty of R&R time when she gets back and putting more interest into the many stories of her time in Thailand (I'm very curious anyway because I want to travel there myself one day).
Next Wed is our 1-year anniversary so I'm planning a few nice surprises. Might have time in the morning if we are free to revisit the places where we first met :)
I am confident that our relationship will continue to grow stronger and we will be together for the long haul.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (19 February 2010):
Firstly, I just wanted to point out that teaching your parents to dislike your possible future partner by telling them your groundless suspicions is not a way to have a happy future. They love you but will continue to hate her for hurting you long after you have resolved your problems. So keep parents out of your private affairs. Secondly, this all sounds like you have wound yourself up in a pointless web of unfounded suspicion. She obviously knows how to wind you up. You need to learn how to handle your woman by not always falling into a panic. If she says she's having fun, maybe you could retort that you are too. My thoughts about her unpredictable behaviour and making you jealous are that she wants you to commit to her. I think she feels insecure that you might, after wasting months of her life, just decide to leave her. Have you proposed? Because if she has introduced you to her family then she is serious about you but might be getting impatient. Like you say, they like to save face and maybe she just won't come out and ask when she is getting the ring.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 Well, after reading the title, my first thought was "for long distance relationships to work, there MUST be trust" but then after reading your backstory, now I'm not so sure about your girl. The moodiness can be lots of things - stress, PMS, PMDD (which is different than PMS) or even the bi-polar disorder like you mentioned. I also don't like how she doesn't help with food or rent...that sounds pretty cold, especially with the rent if the two of you are living together.
You need to do some pros and cons about your relationship because I would be confused on what to do if I were in your shoes, too. It sounds like you love her very much, but it sounds like she may not love you back or is just using you. I'd say just follow your heart and if things don't improve or get worse, get out!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 I travel a lot, so I know that tour guides always end up someone's mate in a foreign country. Finding husbands based on where they live is shallow. I honestly think that Australia is the best country to live, besides Canada. She probably thinks that Europeans and Americans are more hip. You never mentioned a positive thing about the tour guide, except that her family approves of you. Of course, why wouldn't they? You are not overreacting. However, I don't think you like her enough to risk the rest of your life with her either. You can't fix anything because you two are not connected on a higher level. She said she no longer loves you. These are words that could never be taken back. Anything you said here is possible. I think it's also possible that she said she found someone else. I wouldn't be with someone so emotionally and physically distant. Your relationship with her is not solid. You are just one of the trophies she would take home. She doesn't look at you the same way you look at her.
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