A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:. There are times when I feel like my chest is caving in and I can’t even breathe. I wake up every day now with a fake smile so that my girls won’t see the pain and hurt that I am dealing with. I am more confused now than I have ever been in this life. At least when I was young I only had me to think about. Now I have my girls too and I would go to the ends of the earth to keep them from hurting. They love their dad with every fiber of their being. And there was a point in my life where I did too. But after 13 years of the cheating and the running around and the lying and the hurtful words, my feelings have just disappeared. Don’t get me wrong, I still love that man. God knows that I still love him and care for him and would never want to hurt him… But I am tired... I am tired of pretending that I am ok when deep down all I want to do is scream! Every day now I ask myself what I am here for. Is it because I don’t want to let everyone know that I am a failure? Is it because of my girls? Is it because I am scared to be alone? Lord knows that man will never change and I lied to myself when I was younger because I truly believed that he loved me. But now, no matter how much I want to go back to believing that he loves me, I can’t. And I am so sick of feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough. At this point he has brought everyone into our business and I don’t even want to be seen with him. I don’t want to be around his family. I don’t want to be around anybody that he knows. This last fight hurt to the core of soul! He is constantly saying that he doesn’t trust me and comparing me to other women. And I never understood why…. Lord knows I have dedicated myself to being the best wife that I knew how to be. I made mistakes when I was young but I would never hurt another human being the way that I did back then. But, after this last woman, Gabby…. I finally understand why he doesn’t trust me. It all makes sense now. The late nights without answering his phone, disappearing and never letting anyone know where he was going, putting locks on his phone… I knew it after the first prostitute I found proof he was talking to. But I wanted to believe different. I wanted to believe that he wouldn’t do this to me again. How many times now has he done this to me???? The first few were in Woodhaven. I don’t even know their names but I do know that there might be a child out there from him that doesn’t know his dad. A little boy… I never got a lil boy cause he was too busy making them with other women. There have been so many that I can’t even remember the order that they go in. But next, I believe is Cassie. Now I do believe that they didn’t have sex because they both tell me that. But I don’t believe its cause he didn’t want to. I think maybe he just couldn’t get it up from the thoughts of having a wife and 2 young kids at home. She was supposed to be my friend! I guess no one is off limits. Good thing I don’t have a sister...lol. Next, I think was Kendra. When I saw pics of her I was so disgusted. At least Cassie was prettier than me. But, this broad Kendra… WOW! I will never look at him in the same light again! Then I think it was Jessica. Teddy let us live in his house out of the kindness of his heart and you know who had to go and try to sleep with his baby mama. Now, I don’t think that they actually slept together but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. I know that for a fact. He was going around telling everybody that he was cheating with her. Everyone that he told eventually came back and told me. I have never been so embarrassed! Then next was when we were living at this house on Locke. He disappeared for an entire night and somehow I found out he had paid for a hotel room that night. Then he came up with some lame excuse about how he had to get it for a friend. I never believed that one but I stayed because I thought one day I would be good enough. Who knows what her name was. Lol – Oh yeah somewhere between all of these was his friends’ girl... Zana D. His “friends” told me about her when he got locked up. And she came out and admitted that he was trying to get with her and her sister. Not sure what ever came of that one but she is dead now so I am pretty sure that I will never know the truth. Unless he gets a conscience. And I highly doubt that. Oh well, on to the next. Then, he went to New Orleans to work. I found proof of a number of women while he was there. But, I continued to put on my fake smile in hopes that one day things would be different. Then, let’s see, I think this is when all of the prostitutes and escorts started coming into the picture. I can’t tell you how many times that man would disappear and how many nights he never came home. There is no telling how many other women there are that I will never know anything about. That went on for a while. But this last one, Gabby, ripped out my heart. It wasn’t the fact that he was cheating. Lord knows that wasn’t a shock. It was the fact that he was starting fights with me left and right so that he could go back to Laredo to be with her. I don’t understand why he had to make me feel worthless if all he wanted was her? Oh.. the excuse for this one almost made me laugh. IT WAS A JOKE! Seriously????? He was bored one night and found a 300 lbs woman to entertain him…lol – If I wouldn’t have been so pissed at the time I could have laughed in his face! Then he starts the crying, and saying sorry for about the billionth time. And because I have absolutely no backbone when it comes to standing up to that man… I just pretend like everything is ok and things go back to normal. Why do I do that? Why do I care so much that no matter what kind of pain I am going through… I still don’t want to see him hurt. Is there something wrong with me? I have been praying for understanding for a week now and its almost as if God has nothing to say to me. Is it possible that I am not good enough for not only my husband but for God too? I need help! I need to get my education so that I can take care of my girls. But I don’t want to just use him like he has used me all of these years. That would make me no better than him. The worst part of all is I have allowed him to destroy me mentally. I have no one to talk to because I am so embarrassed and ashamed. But he has everyone in the world to talk to. He has repeatedly destroyed my character in front of his family and friends and coworkers. While I have spent my entire life defending him to everyone that I know! Even when he was in the wrong I told them that he was my husband and I was going to stand by him. But not him…. As soon as I make a mistake its every man for himself! He helps them talk about me and find things wrong. He doesn’t bother explaining to them that he has made so many mistakes that causes me to act that way. I am not sure where to go from here. I don’t want to rip my girls away from their dad because I can say that he is an amazing dad. But I am not sure if I can ever let myself believe that he loves me again. I almost sure I can’t. Too much has happened in order for anyone in their right mind to ever believe that again. But… What do I do now? How can I let go with out hurting him?
View related questions:
co-worker, escort, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (19 February 2010):
 You still care about how he feels because you haven't figured out that your well-being is just as important as his. You make him priority, while he makes you an afterthought. The problem is that you've been so emotionally beaten down by this dog of a man that you don't even see your own worth. You don't even see that you deserve happiness and respect.
Ending your marriage does not prevent him from being a good father. You staying with him, however, teaches your daughters that it's okay to stay with a man who is unfaithful and abusive. You're teaching them that it is okay to be a victim.
I suggest that you get into counseling and find out why you've allowed yourself to be a doormat. Do some introspection and start to build your self-esteem so you can get the strength to finally end this sham of a marriage.
A
female
reader, Shann1  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 Girlfriend!, Now you need to get out!! That is more than anyone can handle. I am going through things too and i do know how hard it is. Look, life is hard enough but when you have someone that is self-centered and living the way he wants, distroying you, then its time that us woman stand up, be strong and move on!. For me, I have to move on too. I do understand how hard it is with the kids, but come on, thoses girls will do just fine. Your husband is a joke and a real loser. I hate to say that because my husband is not much better. Most men, not all are going to do what they want and we as woman can not change anyone. We are only responsible for our own actions! You really sound like a good person, get out when you can. There is someone out there that will love you for you and not hurt you. Trust me, I am hurting too, but can we just let our man walk over us? Life is way too short. Trust me, God will handle him. You work on you and make a stand, before it is really too late. You can still be thankful you have your kids and your life! YOU CAN DO THIS....
...............................
|
