A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a woman for the last two months. We've been hitting it off with great chemistry and I really like her. The only thing that is nagging at me and I'm not sure how to approach her is about money. We have gone out to eat about 9-10 times and I have paid for dinner every time. She hasn't even offered or attempted to pay for anything at all. She has a good job and not in dire straits as far as I can tell. I can afford to pay, but that's not the issue for me. The other night, when the check came I just let it sit there and she just didn't do anything. Eventually, I just paid it but was a bit annoyed. She thanked me for dinner, but could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to bring it up right then.When I'm first going out with someone I don't mind paying initially. However I just feel that if someone doesn't at least offer or pick up the tab every now and again it doesn't sit well with me. How should I approach this, since money can be a touchy subject? Should I just come out and tell her directly why I was a bit annoyed and just ask her if she could help out and pay every so often?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BelleRose  +, writes (19 May 2016):
I have a similar thing with my boyfriend. At first he would pay but now it has become a THING. Try to not let it become a thing.
Try to do free dates where it is not an issue. Then try to ask her about it.
Maybe not a dinner, they can be pricy and embarrassing, but maybe a coffee or cake or something slightly smaller.
Ask her why she thinks you should pay too. She might have more expenses than you realise, like hospital or family, or she might just be very traditional.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 May 2016):
 I also agree with free dates, go for a stroll in the park, go for a picnic and bring a few cheap sandwiches. Hint to her that you have enjoyed taking her out and that it would be nice if she where to take you out some time ect.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): I agree with the idea that you should offer free or low cost dates. Start touring your town/city! Go to all the free things they offer. Where I live, we have an art museum, a glass blowing demo, zoo is free to county residents if you get there by a certain time on a certain day, we have plenty of metro parks with bike trails, houses of various city founders that have been restored for touring, local history museum and cultural events. Not to mention free classes at churches and other places of worship. All those things are great. You can even meal-plan or cook together.
Also, you can tell her it's her turn to come up with ideas and you're game for anything as long as the one who plans the date pays. That IS equality to me bc even though women make less/are expected to pay more for clothes/makeup, she can come up with things in HER budget. I hope that helped
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 May 2016):
 Noooooo, don't tell her you were "annoyed". There is nothing as big as a turn off as this. You will be lucky to get another date with her again if you tell her you are annoyed with her.
Be the gentleman you pretend to be (and I say pretend, because you are paying in order to be chivalrous, yet it annoys you...). Ask if she wants to see you again, and this time do NOT go on something that costs money. Ask her out for free nights, such as walking for a stroll, or cooking for her at home (I know that costs money too, but far less). That should send her a hint. And women, for most part, do take hints. She appears to have picked up on your annoyance with her the last time you were out.
Or, BE HONEST, which is my go-to answer. Tell her that you enjoy her company and ...(insert all the rest you want to add), but that you are a man who believes in equality between the genders (if you actually do, that is).
I will remind you that women statistically earn far less than men still, do majority of the housework still, and if getting pregnant tend to drop out of the working life, because there are not good enough plans by businesses for women to take such a long leave of absence, and certainly not paying them to do so (unlike in Norway). You are living in a country where women are NOT, per date, equal to men. So if you want to run this whole "equality" plan, then make sure you MEAN IT and believe in it in ALL ASPECTS. Not just the parts that suit you. Equality means that you should be okay being the one who earns less, and you should be willing to stay at home with kids while SHE goes out to work. If you can do that, and everything else, then play the equality card.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): I am assuming she is also in her 20s , and if she is that is very strange for women of her generetion to not even make an attempt to pay anything.I grew up in 80s and in Eastern Europian country where it was not even an option for a guy to not pay every single time. Not that anyone had any money. Basically if a guy was peniless there was no way for him to date.But that was a different time. Now my daughter when she dates she does not even expect a guy to pay all the time. With that said, when i came to this country 20 years ago, i had a very low paid job, and was a single mother. I was really counting pennies not knowing how to provide well for my daughter. I met this guy who was very well off. He owned a transportation company , had big house, all these toys like snowmobile, a boat, nice car. He seemingly liked me a lot, and we were dating for a year. I dont know if he had this paranoia that women want him for his money, or what was his story, but he was very expressive about equality and how he does not think that women should be paid for. We very rarely went out with him, and when we did, it was only very low key places. At that time i could not even afford that. On our third date i noticed that he left check on a table and is not making an attempt to pay it.. It was getting very uncomfortable and i finally asked him if he is expecting me to pay. He said yes, if i want to. I said, even if i wanted i could not afford it and we had a long conversation with him about it. I explained to him that i can hardly breath with what i make and taking care of my small child.Even our dates were a struggle for me as i needed to pay my neighbor to watch my child.I told him that if its so important for him for a woman to be so financialy sound so she can share all the expences on outings with him then by all means he needs to look for another woman. He turned it all into a joke, paid the bill and that was the end of that night. After that there was never a moment when he did not pay but our outings were so infrequent that really he was not in big expence with me. This conversation with him i will always remember. Not even the conversation but how it made me feel. It was embarassing for me and humiliating to explain to him in numbers that i can not afford even a cheap dinner out. The fact that it bothers you though so much can not be ignored. You need to bring it up somehow before you feel total resentment toward this girl. I just dont know how
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 May 2016):
I want to answer in support...But I am too old fashion. I feel as the man, I will provide for the woman...whom...if things work out right, could be my future wife.
If I had no interest in her as a future wife, then yes, spilt the bill.
As for wife material, I would want to show her I can be a good provider. It does not matter to me if she makes good money or not...I have to do my part...And if I do it right, in the future it will be our money, not mine and hers.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): I hope that she just doesn't want to hurt your pride, but I must say that there's a strong possibility that she feels that men should pay. Sorry. Otherwise, she might have offered at least once.I think it's important that you start from that not so cool possibility. (if it's not so, things will work out by themselves and she will be relieved!)If she thinks that men should pay, getting her to ship in might be hard. Nevertheless you should tell her. I wouldn't tell her that I was annoyed as that is judgmental, I'd turn towards the future and mention that since you've been dating for a few months now, (without saying that you're getting serious), it's to be expected to share the expenses of your going out.She cannot get mad at that. If she does, at least you'll know what she expects of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): I think it's really rude that she hasn't offered to pay or at least contribute something after 10 dates. Even if she can't afford to take you out for a meal she could cook for you at home or explain to you that she's a bit skint at the moment but will take you out once she gets paid. If you are looking for a girl that's going to contribute financially to your future together then I suggest you end it with her now!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 May 2016):
 Being a woman myself I have never and would never allow the man to pay, I have always insisted on splitting the bill. However, I know that some women are not this easy to deal with. My brother once took this girl out on a date while he was a student and she ordered a whole truck-load of stuff from the menu. He assumed that it was for both of them; turns out, it was all for her. He sent my mom a text saying that he's actually mentally calculating how much money he has left because he couldn't even get himself to order a plate of French fries for himself!! Poor kid! She ate everything, didn't share a single bite and at the end of this told my brother, "we should do this again" :) As if!! Lesson learned!
Your girlfriend too seems to be quite happy having you cough up the money and that would annoy anyone. I don't even know her and it's annoying me already! The first thing that comes to mind is "freeloader".
What you can do is, talk to her and be direct. Tell her why you were annoyed and that while you don't mind paying, you would like it if you split the bill from now on. It makes things easy for both of you and is not a financial strain on any one person.
If she accepts this gracefully, good. If not, good riddance.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2016):
 I think, since it annoys you, that you SHOULD bring it up. I would tell her that you really like, but that you find her lack of contribution a bit confusing. That you feel as EQUALS you should BOTH chip in for the dates, dinners etc.
Now it can be that she hasn't offered because she doesn't want to offend you (some dude DO find it offensive, because they take it as a "she doesn't think I can afford it".) Or it can be that she is simply of notion that MEN pay for the dates. She might be spending good money of clothes, hair and make up to look her best and the presume that THAT is her contribution.
If she is in the 20's as well she can't really claim that it's the "norm" for the guy to pay. It hasn't been for at least the last 25 years.
So talk to her.
...............................
|
