A
male
age
36-40,
*lovehersobut...
writes:My girlfriend that I have know for over twelve years andI have been with her for the past 2 years. she always wants to accuse me of cheating. Her ex Husband cheated on her and she walked in on the two of them well you know. and now she is very insucure and I knew this when we got together and I even moved half way across the country to be back with her, after he cheated she ran out and got her "revenge" as she likes to call it. I told her that I have morals and that in any relatioonship there will be small lies and little things hidden but there were two things that she never would have to worry about 1) me ever hitting her and 2) me ever cheating on her and that included physical and mental cheating (which I still count as cheating) she accuses me everytime I walk the dogs, go to the gas staion, hell even when I am at work andshe can come see me but I feel like she would rather not know that I am not cheating and be able to accuse me to be right in her mind about men than to realize that I am not that kind of person and shes got it better than she thinks. I do a pretty decent job of handling her accusations but now she wants to leave me over her trust issues with a situation when she can have proof that I am not lying I knew that she had the trust issues when I got with her and so did she so I don't get why all of a sudden she would want to do this, someone please help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Her behaviours are symptoms of what the real issue is. ABANDONMENT. Abandoment is a hard thing for one to work out, especially on their own. Counselling is a very good idea that will give her the tools to cope and heal as well as realize that her past is not her present.
She doesn't want this-she is just overwhelmed with all the pain of her past, of what might be happening, and realize that she cannot control her pain and fears and it gets to the point where she feels she is going insane-it's not you-it's the pain and fear.
She wants to be loved, she wants to trust, she wants to be happy-she is afraid as it is foreign to her and we fear what we don't know. It's a power struggle for what she wants and knows she deserves vs. what she was taught from her past traumas.
To give so much into hope for that final happiness and have it torn away will be devastating-she is protecting herself in her mind, trying to stave off situations that will cause pain and not realize it is her past pain that she fears most. She has denied herself for so long and it's catching up.
Please get her and you into counselling and let the counsellor suggest she needs individual.
I honestly believe everyone should have individual counselling to help us unload the heavy burdens of yesteryear and today.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 September 2007):
 She definitely needs some counseling in order to get over her insecurities. The underlying issues that cause this insecurity have to be addressed before she can be helped. They may not have anything at all to do with you but have become her target for her frustrations. You don't want to be her whipping boy forever so encourage her to get the help, and as Eddie said, Very Firmly.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 I would give her an ultimatum. Sit down and tell her your dilemma. Offer to get counseling with her, but be firm. Explain how it pains you to be in this position but you will not continue to pay the price for a crime that you have not committed. Set up a time frame and leave it to her. You have to be prepared to walk though.
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