A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are in our late 20's, been married for several years. There is no intimacy in the marriage. Which means there is no sex, very rarely any sexual activities (none that ever involve her sexual parts), etc. This is very difficult for me, throughout the years I've tried all angles, I've made dinner and lit candles and given her a back rub to try to get things in the mood, but then when I try to take it further she says "no"; I've tried asking, and even pushing because I become desperate. I've tried so many times to talk about it but she explains that her doctor told her that's how she is and there isn't anything she or I can do about it. She has gone to the OBGYN several times for this, and all of her levels are fine, but she just doesn't have a sexual fire in her and therefore she never wants sex. She once told me "just because two people are in a relationship doesn't mean they have to have sex". It was a strange statement I thought, while true to a certain degree it didn't make sense compared to the earlier life we had before marriage where she was a sexual beast. Sure she had some difficult times with her health since then, and birth controls changed, etc.At this point I'm not sure what else to try, I don't think it's possible based on what she believes her OBGYN is telling her, but it doesn't seem fair to me. She treats me as though since she doesn't want sex then neither should I. That's what is difficult. Any advice out there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Perhaps she is a good candidate for HSDD (Hyperactive Sexual Desire Disorder). This is a sexual disorder that is gaining credibility. A lot of controversy around it now, but maybe going to the doctor once more and discussing HSDD would help. If she does suffer from this disorder, she can accept it and know that it is okay to get help. Have you heard of HSDD before?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): OP why have you not mentioned divorce?
In the long run, I don't see her attitude as fair or reasonable. If her understanding of sex is that it is not needed in a marriage, she is wrong. She seems disinterested in correcting her mistaken notion though. You have been wonderful in sticking with her and trying to make a go of it. Your actions have shown an abundance of love and caring but it is not reciprocated. It will not be long before you begin to dislike her and become bitter. Seriously consider divorce before that happens.
You seem willing to bend to her faulty vision of marriage, to wit your statement "It was a strange statement I thought, while true to a certain degree it didn't make sense compared to the earlier life we had before marriage where she was a sexual beast. Sure she had some difficult times with her health since then, and birth controls changed, etc." NO NO NO
Look at it this way - 1. you are not walking away from her without putting in an effort to make the marriage work, 2. she refuses to try to do every thing she can (therapy) to make the man she is supposed to love feel that loved 3. she dismisses your concerns and unhappiness as nothing major. Her attitude seems fixed therefore divorce is a reasonable option for all of the above reasons. It will not be a selfish act on your part, you are obviously not a selfish man, rather divorce will free her to find a man who will love her as she is and you to find the love a good man should have.
You say you are unhappy and desperate and trying very hard. Your future will be the same or worse if you stay in this marriage. Sad to say but I think you need to take the necessary but difficult steps to end this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA bit more information -
My wife has been on 20-30 different birth controls, one of her issues is that she will have spotting or the general affects of a period for nearly 3 weeks out of a month. So they change birth controls to find one that fixes this, but have yet to find one that does.
She had these issues prior to getting married, yet we had a very exciting sexual life. The only thing I can think related to the timing, is that she has grown tired of fighting these health issues and more or less irritated at switching birth controls so often which may have slowly drove her away from feeling intimate in any way.
In regard to the children, no she doesn't want any and therefore I don't think it plays into the mix here. I know that is a good point, and worth considering, but I know it has nothing to do with this.
In regard in my average, I'd say 3-6 times a year, with not having any sex the last 10 months.
I'm glad you've all mentioned counseling, as it's always something I thought could help this situation. If nothing else to open both of our minds to what a neutral person sees. Ever time I suggest this she says no she will never see a counselor for this; she gets very angry ever time I suggest it. I've probably only suggested it about 2 or 3 times in the last 24 months because of this. While I am willing to go by myself, I have a feeling it won't do any good unless we both go.
At any rate, I appreciate everyone's input. It's great to hear suggestions and advice. Also nice to know there are others out there fighting the same battle.
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male
reader, Stressed Kiwi  +, writes (4 July 2010):
Hey if it makes you feel any better, I am in the same boat. I'm lucky if i have sex twice a month with my wife and we are only 27 and 24 years old. We have been together nearly five years and I guess the sex started reducing in frequency from around year 2. I get the same response to sex as you do and i try a range of things to get her in the mood although admittedly most of them are straight up questions which sounds lame writing that done but it's just you get sick of rejection after awhile so hurts less when it is just a simple question. It's not like I am a slob, I keep fit, have muscluar build and think I am ok looking - you know we are both attractive but not super models for lack of a better way of explaining our looks. I have to try really hard to get her in the mood and most times her response is quite hurtful which is because she is frustrated I keep asking and annoying her. She says she doesn't want sex with anyone, she just isn't interested.
If you find a solution let me know, what i do know is this isn't a marriage the way we currently are which sounds very harsh and is an emotional statement to make but I just know that the lack of physical intimacy in our relationship is the beginning of the end.
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male
reader, PM  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 I think a crucial bit of background information is whether this was the case BEFORE you were married.
If this is a recent happening, then the key would be to figure out "what changed?"
If this is the way it was always, then you may need to accept this simply as the type of relationship the two of you will have. It seems you've done your due diligence in trying to spice things up and have gone to see some medical experts. Counselling definitely has a chance of working, but in the end, it may come down to this is being the relationship the two of you have together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Sorry I need to correct a typo:
"become informed, read up on her health issues and the things you might have caused her to lose her sexual appetite"
Correction:
"become informed, read up on her health issues and the things you *THINK* might have caused her to lose her sexual appetite"
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Counselling sounds like a good idea in this case, she does sound as if she's trying to sort this out but if her levels are normal then she may just have a mental block when it comes to sex.
"just because two people are in a relationship doesn't mean they have to have sex" while that is true to a certain degree, no sex/intimacy = friendship. Sexual satisfaction is to me is a very important part of a relationship as important as all other factors.
It's very unlikely that her doctor would just tell her that's the way she is and there's nothing that can be done about it. I'm not a doctor and I have no idea what her health issues were, but her OBGYN said everything was normal then why would her doctor say there's nothing that can be done, without exploring counselling, therapy or the wide array of other things that can be tried.
Again I know nothing of her health issues so I could be very wrong.
The only thing you can do is bear with her and see if she'd be willing to explore all alternative ways to see if she can improve her libido. I know you're getting desperate but take your time and explore all the possibilities, keep trying but don't pressure her. Do as much research as you can on the subject, become informed, read up on her health issues and the things you might have caused her to lose her sexual appetite, research all possible treatments even down to hypnosis, acupuncture, chinese medicine, everything and anything you can.
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