A
male
age
41-50,
*by1
writes:advice required. ive previously asked for help with the situation with my x the woman i loved. basically over the course of last 6/7 years ive constantly flirted, emailed, texted other women and messed around, never once have i done anything thou. she ended our relationship which has totally destroyed my life and has obviously effected our kids also.now ive never given up hope as i believe we was made for each other, and nothing will change my opinion of that. ive always loved this woman, always will. she and i have been in touch alot more recently and ive put it to her about trying again, last sat morning at 3am she asked me to pick her up from a club, drove her home and we just chatted, she said she will never be able to trust me again, now i decided to work the trust issues out, gave her all my passwords and said she can check anything whenever she wants to. but then i read up on the net that to regain trust you really have to be both trying to sort the relationship out which she isnt. or can we as friends, been round there 4 times in just over a week, mainly to see the kids but thats more than i have for a long time. then on wed we had a long chat and she told me afew truths that if shed done wot id done then i wouldnt have put up with it. so i told her i would forget it and walk away and i was so sorry.a little while later i got a msg saying roast dinner would be waiting for me after work if i wanted round. so went round had dinner, played with kids, her family were also there, and they spoke with me for ages, making it feel like old times again. they all went and then she suggested sex, mind blowin as usual between us for both of us.the next day she sent me a msg saying dont read into last night, nothing was meant by it, so i replied, i wasnt, i enjoyed as much as you did, maybe we can do it again some time.please people, how can i get this woman back from here? having to see the kids is an opening, i know she doesnt want anybody else, and probably is being truthful she doesnt want me, although i believe she does love me deep down.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (4 July 2011):
Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't put any pressure on and be the best dad to your kids that you can be. Sounds like you are trying to have lots of involvement with them so that's great. Like everyone's said, she needs to build up trust and only time can do that. You're going to have to play the long game if you are really serious about getting back together. Good luck.
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (4 July 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Went out clubbing wiv around 6 mates, laura n her sister who I don't like n she don't like me was in there. Laura then left her sister at 3am wen we left and she came back wiv us. I then walked her home and then I walked back, got in at 7am. Up at 12 for tattoo. Back to bed at 2 til 5 then went to work delivering had our baby son for evening. More communication wiv laura. Then yesterday took our eldest son wiv me for football wiv my new team for next season. Laura invited me round for roast dinner n all her family bar her sister was there, I took all the kids to the park then went home. Then laura asked me for a kebab in the evening and I went round and saw her again for 10mins. She isn't giving anything away and I know she had her eyes on me friday night, along with her sister. Any other advice greatly received on how else I can play this now. Thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): She's out and about at night alot - which in my world means she's looking for somebody new.
If a man cheats on a woman (unless he's a footballer) its generally over as the trust has gone
You have learnt a hard lesson that - you should never take for granted somebody you love. She may come round she may not - you may eventually have to accept it's over and move on
Your children are whats important now.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (1 July 2011):
she has probably thought that you werent happy with her otherwise you wouldnt have felt the need to have to do that i would try talking to her again explain to her you thought it was harmless and that you love her and you won,t do it again as for the sex thing i wouldnt push it as she may just think you want her back just for that good luck
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionid like to thankyou all for your words, given me somethings to think about and i wrote her a letter using some of the things mentioned in this thread in my own words.
im out tonight and may possibly bump into her, ive mentioned this to her and suggested that if she wants to speak and allow me to buy her a drink to come over. i will be staying away from her in a relationship sense and concentrating on the kids and supporting her the best i possibly can, proving i can be trusted and only have eyes for her. if things ever change (fingers crossed) then i shall update you all.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 I see you've posted a LOT on this breakup and how hard it has been on your feelings. I'd say you're not making any headway with her for a couple of reasons.
One, you basically lied to her for 6/7 years. That's pretty hard to forgive. At the least, you could expect her to take 6/7 years to get over it, not simply a couple of months.
Two, you are now tarnished in her eyes. Women want a guy they can respect as a partner. They want to ADMIRE the man they are with. You aren't admirable, your actions were scuzzy and selfish and her image of you is forever altered. Guys who text and send pics of a sexual nature are considered kinda slimy. You went from being her man to being a slimeball in her eyes. That's what's keeping her from wanting to be with you. Your status has changed in her eyes. A tattoo isn't going to alter that, that's just some decoration on the tarnished man.
Three, you say you've changed but there's no way to prove that you're worthy of trust other than time. So you're really in a no-win situation.
If you are serious about trying to get back with her, I'd say you show it by getting yourself some counseling from this organization: http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html and tell her what you are doing. Ask her to come with you.
I think that would show your willingness to change much more than a tattoo.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni never once thought harmless emails and texts would ruin the rest of my life and the kids and hers.
i will walk away as ive said to her. her words to me on wednesday were. i will let you know if i want you back.
im not gonna ask her again about getting back with me, as hard as it is to want to. she is all ive ever wanted, i thought we would always be together, forever, our love was so strong and we did everything together.......
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 If I remember correctly, you posted before and it was not just some silly innocuous flirting, you were sexting with these women right ?
Some women consider that simple and plain cheating , even if no intercourse ever happens. I suspect you ex may be among them, if not even the two kids you have together convinced to overcome your indiscretions.
From her point of view , you have been cheating on her for 7 YEARS. How can she trust you again ? She may still love you, and be tempted to reconcile, but how does she know that you aren't acting nice now to get her back, and then at the first chance you'd start all over again... ? It was not just one episode or two, it was 7 years- enough probably to make her think that a leopard never loses its spots...
There's not much you can do, except being on your best behaviour as a dad, and as a good friend to her, and if you are the patient type , hang in there and hope that she can find in her heart the courage to risk on you again.
Forget about the tattoo, a tattoo would tell her that you love her, but she probably dos not question your feelings, she questions your capability to stay faithful...
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni value your words and they seem very wise. laura doesnt believe i love her, or ever have and have only been with her til somebody better comes along. the tattoo has nothing to do with pressure. it has my kids names in it and hers. ive told her im getting this to show her no matter what happens in the future, she was, and always will be the 1 woman i love, her name wont be large, it will have meaning to me. i think personally this will show that i am speaking the truth. as it stands, im leaving her alone now. i wont allow myself to be used again. i needed the sex as much as she did, i know she enjoyed it, to me that shows she still has feelings and thoughts, i wont pursue her, i will give her more space. i will be less visable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Ok for a start it doesnt come into the equasion that your good looking!
Supportive is good - few men I have known would pick me up at 3am from a club after a call out the blue - I would only ring an ex as a booty call then, if I was in the mood
She's lucky to get to a Club when she has 5 children, but thats irrelevant
All you can do is keep supporting her and being a friend. She probably thinks at the moment you will slip back into your old ways once you have her back. And yes,cut out the sex too, or she will see you for just that, a FWB.
You have to convince her your genuine and have changed - she needs to know both she - and the children - can trust you back in their life as a fixture, thats going to take time and patience. Be humble but not a doormat.
Why did you flirt on the Net in the first place - were you bored? Looking for a moral boost?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 Nonono, again! Sorry, but I think your reply was written before my post came up. NO TATTOO!!! Please, you will not prove anything by it, but only add pressure. It will do more damage, if you want her back don't tattoo her name on your body, please. She will not take you back, but pity you. You want her to see you as someone respectable, not someone pitiful!
If you tattoo her name on your body you are adding pressure on her to take you back, and this will only result in pushing her away! Maybe she'll be happy about it, but I doubt it. Tattoo her name on your body once you and her get married, but not while you are broken up! That sends the wrong message completely, and will push her away. It will make everything awkward between you, and she will feel unwell, and might even start to avoid you.
There are too many risks of her rejecting you if you do this, is it not what you want to be doing if you are trying to win her back! You'll look like a stalker, or a pathetic man. You don't want to do that. Please re-think this decision. Tattoo the names of your children if you will (although what about the children she has, they'll be left out...), but don't tattoo her name on there. If you and her end up back together, after a period of time, then you can include her name with the rest. But not now.
Reconsider the tattoo of names. Think about it very carefully, it can be a dumb move if you want her back. What about instead you choose something to symbolize the family? A symbol, and no names?
Keep your dignity. A woman doesn't want a man with no dignity.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni get what your saying, but you offer no thoughts on how i can change this situation. i am a good looking guy, can offer her security and support, have changed, would never think of making a mistake ever again and more importantly am the dad of her 2 sons, and step dad to 3 lovely girls. she is struggling without me, she has put on some weight also, but is still gorgeous to me and all i want. i need her to see this. im even having her name tattood in the morning along with our kids. to show n prove to her she is the 1 and i mean all i say
how can i bring this round?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 July 2011):
Nonono... everything was going so fine until you had sex with her! She showed you interest, what you need to do is be reserved and not jump on it like a dog jumping for bones and sticks. You want MORE than a casual shag, even if it is mindblowing, because it means a lot more to you than just sex. Here's why you shouldn't have sex with her again: 1. you want more, and it will hurt your feelings, 2. she thinks she can just use you for sex and wont see you as a reliable man she can be with, she'll come to think of you as a sex toy = not serious, 3. you always want what you can't have. If she wants sex with you, but can't have it, she'll miss you more. If she actually misses the connection, but can't have casual sex with you, she might step up and commit. You want her to commit, remember. Casual sex will make her not commit, it will make her think you don't need her too, so she'll keep her options open.
This is all psychological, but true. Don't let the relationship you WANT with her be transferred into a FWB situation. Avoid that. If she comes on to you again, tell her no.
You should my no means agree to this casual sex situation, or tell her you could do it again some time, that only lowers your chances of getting back with her. Don't speak of it again, and if she comes on to you again say no, and tell her why (you want more than just sex and that you love her, so dont want to lower what you have for her into something cheap). If YOU show that you value the intimacy and respects it, and put it high, then SHE might do the same. I also think saying no to sex will show her that you are serious about getting her back, and that you have backbone and willpower. Those are traits that can make her trust you. So it is very important for you to not have sex with her unless you and her are in a committed relationship. And even IF she takes you back, you need to wait with sex until you are sure the relationship is ready for it. You are basically starting from scratch, and should wait a few months into the relationship (once it goes official again, which will take time!) before having sex.
Next, you seem to be doing a good job working at getting her back. You will have to continue with what you did before you and her ended up having sex. She wanting sex is a good thing, it shows she's getting closer to you again, but it was a set-back once you had sex. You now have to work longer to get to the same stage again.
Accept her as a friend only. She will need to trust you as a friend before she can trust you as a partner. As it is, she does not even trust you as a friend, so being allowed to be her friend is GOOD for you, don't think of it as pointless or hopeless. Through being a friend you can show her she can trust you. Action speaks louder than words, and this is all about action. You need to show her. You show her by open and honest communication, but also by keeping all appointments, and doing your best. It will take time, as she needs to see that you are sincere and not just playing your good side, only to return to your same old self once she puts her guard down.
How long have you been off? Unless you get back together within the first two days, you need to embrace for a long waiting period. I will estimate about 6 months to a year. This is the same amount of time on average a person takes to heal from heartache and heal old wounds. In order to risk being with you again (as love is taking a risk, and she already knows you can hurt her) she needs to heal. It takes time. Use this period to gain her trust in you. Take time apart from each other, don't try to see her all the time or talk to her all the time. See her and talk to her when you must, but don't be obsessed. She needs her space, and so do you.
You also need to show the relationship you had with her respect, even if you are now single. That means no flirting with others, no hooking up with other women. If you are fighting to get her back you must show that you are committed to her, and are both mentally and physically hers.
It will be a rough path, and I can not promise you will succeed. But know that you are on her mind, and you are a part of her life, so you do have a chance. A woman works very hard to stay with the father of her children, if not for herself then for the sake of the children. She is working with this even if you don't see it, but she's not sure of whether to let you go completely, or give it a chance. And it can take a long time to determine that.
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