A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How many partners is ok for a woman to have before it is considered promiscuos? My GF is 23 and has been with 19 guys including myself, it's the fact that she racked up about 15 within 2 years that bothers me the most, all in one night stands.She says it was due to the previous relationship been bad. Am having problem dealing with this issue as i keep thinking that she need a different guy every so often and I cannot please her and if i do please her, it wont be long before needs another guy. She says she loves me and only wants me but the past speaks for itself and am concerned that i could fall for her and then she will cheat on me, to make it worst, she tells me that i have the 3rd smallest penis she has had sex with, making me even more uneasy about having sex with her or doubting my ability to satisy her though she says i am the best she has had because i am always trying to please her. I am scared she thinks she can only please me through sex as she will often offer me oral sex randomly, she say she enjoys it (with me) but that worries me as she may enjoy it with other guys too, and i have told her she doesnt need to be doing that to gain favour from me.We have been together for 6 months and i love her and want her but we keep fighting over it and its gonna cause our split due to my insecurities. My discussions with her has made her realise i think its too many guys and she should see her errors, am i wrong for telling her this?please advise on how to let go of the past and just look forward to the future with her.
View related questions:
one night stand, oral sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Well this is a common problem, men believe that women should behave in a certain way and that they should respect themselves and only give sex to deserving men such as ourselves....we on the other hand believe that as men the more women we have are conquest and proves our virility... but the sad truth is, it is much easier for a woman to get laid then a man...... and if she doesn't subscribe to the idea that women should be particular about who they share their virture with then they can rack up some incredible numbers, especially if they are attractive.
I had a girlfriend when I was 30 that had a list of hundreds and a history of very wild sex, and it made me crazy..... eventually my difficulty with it drove her away.. so you are left with 2 choices, shop for women who are not promiscuous, or learn to accept those that are.... the other thing, when you meet a girl, don't ask her about her past lovers, it will make you crazy, and your girlfriend made a very bad mistake in pointing out your rank in penis size..... You didn't say if you were in love with the girl.... if not you could move on, but you can bet there will be a willing man to step into your shoes..... In the future maybe you should shop for another type of girl... so how do you know? If you meet her and she goes down on you the first date then she goes down on everybody the first date..... whatever she does with you she does with all of her lovers..... you're not special......
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): To the original poster,
I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 8 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?
Appreciate it very much!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): I have left a post on the same vain as this one. my partner has had 60 sexual partners 10 of which were women. I did not ask her about her past she took it upon her self to tell me every detail. All though im having alot of problems dealing with it. I dont think you should be trying to force an appology from your girl friend and trying to make her addmit that what she has done is wrong because it reality it isnt our buisness what happend in there past and its up to us how we register the information were given. some people have a very different out look on how they look at it. which is what im trying to learn how to achieve. but one thing i do know i maybe angry that she had to share so much in such detail. but i dont want to make her think its wrong because they were her adult desicions she mad at a time she didnt even know i exsisted. im trying to use the shes picked me and has been with me for nearly 2 years if she was still so keen on living the other life we wouldnt be together and that i have won the prize of her love and affection that no one else could manage to achieve.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): That last poster nailed something important: That men cannot just go get sex in the same way that women can. And most men want to VERY BADLY at one time or another.For some reason women all seem to suffer from the delusion that it's just as easy for men get get easily laid as it is for them. I think it's just a cop-out that women use to excuse some of their actions. It's true that a man can get sex just as easily as a woman, IF you happen to be a man who is in the top 5% of desirability. It's only just that other 95% of men who can't go out and get laid as much as they want.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): I think the fact that it is one night stands bother a lot of guys. Most people I think can cope with sex in a previous relationship but one night stand so much more difficult. It is to do with intimacy and the fact that what was or is special between two people in a relationship can just be "given away" on a one nighter makes a lot of people feel bad
Also the fact that women can and do do this so easily makes a lot of guys unhappy - as they cannot just go out and find someone to have sex with - so there is the whole inequality of power thing too which upsets a lot of men. None of this is easy
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):
You're bothered because you're a normal male and that's the way males are built. Natural selection forms our feelings about choosing a mate.
Your feelings are no more unreasonable & unjustified than when girls/women go after bad-boys, older guys, richer & higher status, etc. A lot of people's deepest sex & relationship decisions are just not founded on legitimate, rational, "fair" reasons. Not in either gender.
But I get the feeling that your GF has had a lot more partners than you've ever had. (Maybe more than you even want to have?) That sounds like a deeper mismatch in your morals and I think that's the bigger problem.
I think what's really bothering you is the feeling that she's not really that far removed from this. It seems like she has only quit it now because of functional reasons (like your relationship with her, or because the sleeping around "got old" after a while, etc.) But she still doesn't truly feel like it was WRONG, whereas you definitely do.
That's a deeper division between you two. It's bigger than just "I need to get over her past."
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): Well - this inequality in the number of sexual partners will become more and more common as the years pass. Most men by the time they settle down will meet a woman who by her mid to late 20's could have had 30 or so sexual partners. I think what bugs most men is the fact that their partner could get sex so easily. We are after all all so jealous and competitive. Most men can go out night after night - esp when a girl friend has dumped them and never "pull" On the other hand most women can get it whenever they want - although to be fair - what they get is often not what they want. Years ago when I split temporarily with a woman I considered my true love - in the month we were apart she went out and bedded 4 people I knew which did not feel great. If you are a young man and not committed to anyone i would suggest you get out there and get as much safe sex as you can. Then when you meet your true love and she says "I have had 30 sexual partners" you can say "me too" and when she gets upset you can point out that surely you are equal and when she remains upset you can say "well having all those experiences made me into the man I am - the one you have fallen in love with" just like women say to men when they complain about the number of partenrs they have had
Seriously - the issue is the unfairness of it all from the man's point of view - if they had had as many partners they would not feel have as bad
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): if she is saying 15, number could be 51. Just think about the fact, that she will be comparing you to those partners everytime you are intimate. Infact, she already did..and said you have small penis. I would suggest that you too have a one night stand, and then kick her out saying she had saggy boobs or something! You will feel so much better..
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): My girlfriend is 29 and has had 35 partners. Married once, engaged 3 times, raped once. How do i know all this because she is the most honest woman i have ever met and i trust her more than any woman i have been with. True it hurts to hear but it gets easier. She loves me and i love her and we only get one life so dont waste it on the past. I have had 5 partners, 3 long-term and no one night stands. So while i have no idea why she felt the need to go mental for a year or two in her teens, i know it wont happen again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your opinions, all very much valued.
Yes she did not cheat on her ex so at least that tells me one thing. I guess the only thing i can do is to play it by ear, and just let time heal my thoughts, she is a great girl apart from all this so at least i am greatfull for all the good times that we have.
...............................
A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 ok first of all size doesnt matter!!!im happy with my boyfriend and i think he has the perfect penis even though ive been with bigger!!second of all i know wat your gf is saying wen she says the one night stands have something to do with a previous realtionship. wen i broke up with my last bf which was a very bad one i went a bit wild and made a few mistakes. but now im with my bf and have never been happier - so if she says she wants only you and loves you believe her!!!take it from someone who has been in the same situation. stop worrying and enjoy the relationship with your gf who believe me loves you and wants only you - sex wen your in love is much better than 19 one night stands believe me
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): I think that is great advice from Beckto and I can't either really understand why your girlfriend would want to say something so hurtful to you either. I am highly surprised that she even has such an accurate record of her one night stands.
That comment aside though, the sexual partners doesn't necessarily tell you what kind of girl she is, plenty of people in their teens - and indeed later in their life can easily sleep with that many people. Girls in particular can deal with emotional hurt by seeking attention and love in the wrong places.
If someone is having sex out of relationships it doesn't take many nights out over the course of 2 years to end up with 15 people. At the time you feel worthless and you genuinely don't believe you'll ever find yourself in a proper relationship so you just continue having casual sex trying to forget about it.
You have to be honest with yourself, has this girl really "moved on" from her past. Has she properly realised the reasons for why she lived that life? - but more importantly - has she changed to make sure she doesn't ever need to repeat that behaviour again?
You're rightly feeling insecure about this girl and I think maybe it would be a good idea to ask her why she would make that comment about your size. I'd also maybe try and explain to her how inferior it makes you feel. I would guess if your girlfriend has moved on, she'd likely have a lot of insight about her past and would understand how you feel and put some attention on to you to help build up your confidence so that you don't compare yourself to these past guys any more.
The other thing is I wanted to mention, just because someone has had a promiscuous past, it certainly doesn't mean they are likely to be promiscuous in the future. I'd say, if anything, it was the opposite. People generally learn by making mistakes and if someone has spent years having promiscuous sex to later find love, they are more likely to never go their again and know what they could loose if they lost their love. It is the people who have never made that mistake, if anything, who are at more risk of making a mistake in that regard. People come with all sorts of baggage, but sometimes some baggage can actually make that person better relationship and commitment material.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Hay hun - i don't mean to be rude but whats your problem?
15 guys in 2 years that one works out as just over 1 every 2 mothes!!!!!!!
What makes you think she constantly needs different guys to keep her interested? She said that she was in a bad relationship which lead her to have 1 night stands (im guessing cause she wasn't ready for a relationship but wanted some satisfaction)it had nothing to do with the fact that they couldn't keep her interested. Also you at no point mentioned she cheated on her ex! so what makes you think she will cheat on you?
Thge fact of the matter is - she trusts you. After having a bad relationship in the past shes ready to open her heart up again to someone and that someone is YOU! If she says she loves you and that your her best then except it sometimes having an emotional connection with someone is what makes sex special rather than the size of their penis!
Blow jobs (in my opinion) are very sacred - its not something id do for just anyone, but i love having that intamecy with my b/f, if she didn't want to do it then she wouldn't - simple as!
Telling her you think its no many men is your opinion and its good you can be honest with her - but remember the past is the past YOU CANT CHANGE THAT!
Except her with a past or call it quits on your relationship!
...............................
A
female
reader, Beckto  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Normally, I would say that you shouldn't let the numbers of guys she's been with get to you, as long as you feel you can trust her. The past is the past, and she has to own it, not you. You can't make her feel any differently than she does about her past. You will only make it worse by letting it come between the two of you.
But, then you said, "she tells me that i have the 3rd smallest penis she has had sex with."
That is so cruel and unnecessary. It's so immature and thoughtless to say that to you. First of all, she should never compare you to her ex lovers. Second, she should never compare you in a bad way to other lovers. Third, she should NEVER EVER criticize the size of your penis! The fact that she can rate the size specifically beyond just "the biggest" or "the smallest" says to me she had big problems.
Stay with her or not, but I don't think your chances are great that you'll have a long, satisfying relationship with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 The number of guys she has been with does say something about her. It is a very high number for a young lady and I'd bet my last dollar it's way above normal. There are always exceptions to the rule but the vast majority of women would never admit to such a number.
There is also no way, unless she measured that you have the third smallest penis. If you consider most guys are just average, she either checks before the sex or she keeps records. That was either a foolish question by you or a foolish statement by her.
She offer you random oral sex. She might enjoy it with other guys too. That is the truth. She would enjoy it with other guys. That is something you have to live with. If your girlfriend wasn't around you'd enjoy sex with others too.
OK, she says her behavior is due to a previous relationship gone bad. If that's the case, she's admitting there is an issue causing her to act this way, therefore she needs to fix. It is actually, by her own admission, caused by a negative experience she had.
You can not make this go away. It has happened. Time will take it out of your mind. I wouldn't like it either and don't know if I could handle it. The main question though is this....What can she do to change it? The answer is nothing. She was not beholden to you at that time in her life. All women have the power to sleep with as many men as they choose. 99 % of the women don't exercise that power like a man would. So she is in a small minority. This is my opinion. Instead of badgering over what she's done, help her to figure out what made her do it. Of course, this is all said assuming she's interested in digging into this.
Keep your eyes open though. History tells us things. There is something lurking inside her and it's caused her to act how she does. Although this is all a bit of a double standard, standards are based on the norm. Fair or unfair, we're only dealing here with what falls between the brackets of normal.
...............................
|
