A
male
age
36-40,
*ames22
writes:Hi, this has gone on long enough and i really need help or advice. I've been seeing my girlfriend for just over 2 years and im getting unhappier by the week. she is my first love (im 21 and she is 23) and there are a few points that are making me unhappy but it all stems from the one point - she has depression and has even before we started going out. She has had a tough life and been through a lot in the past and every man she has had in her life has hurt her and let her down and she is expecting me to do the same. I have been faithful and i believe she has too. I am her only friend and i have lots of friends which is another problem. She wont let me go out with any of my friends because she has it in her head that i wont come back, which is ridiculous. To put it simply - she doesnt trust me. I have been her rock, i have picked her up when she's been down (which is a lot) but it really is starting to get me down now, its as if she's dragging me down with her. She HAS been to see a psychologist and she was getting along fine and i was helping her too (this was whe she was at uni), but she started a new job and she had to stop going because she cant get the time to go and see this specific woman as she only works in our area for a few hours per week. She wont go back and see another psychologist because she went so far down the road with the first woman, she doesnt think she could go through it all again. Im sorry if this has dragged on a bit, im getting confused now! I just really need some advice, there is a lot more i could have said but it says dont make your question too long! Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Hello James 22,Your girlfriend probably hasn't had people in her life she could trust so please don't give up on her. Try to learn as much as you can about depression and how it affects her. It's different for every person. Just keep reassuring her not just with words but with actions that she can trust you. This will give her more confidence and hopefully move her from being anxious about you going out with friends to being comfortable with that and hopefully developing friendships of her own. PLEASE REMEMBER this whole process takes time. She may relapse. She may fall. No, you shouldn't be her therapist but be a support to her. Let her know you understand. No, she shouldn't place you in the position of being her "savior", but remember you're probably the only person that she has been able to trust even a little. I empathize again with both of you. Patience, time, empathy, and understanding are the keys to depression. I don't know if you believe in prayer but I will sincerely pray for both of you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Hello James 22,I just came across your letter and I feel for both you and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is in a very difficult place in her life, I know that might be stating the obvious but because of what has happened to her in the past, it is extremely hard for her to trust anyone. I don't know what your life has been but imagine putting your trust in someone only to have it betrayed time and time and time again. I understand why it's hard for her to trust anyone. You have said that she has nothing to worry about as far as your relationship is concerned. That's wonderful! She needs to feel secure in your relationship. It will take some time. PLEASE BE PATIENT! I assure you she desperately wants to trust you but needs to build up confidence in your relationship. People who have depression end up self-sabotaging their relationships most of the time because people just get tired of hearing about what's wrong with their friend, or significant other and the other person feels helpless to help the other. She needs to develop relationships with firm foundations. It takes a very special person to understand how to care for a person who has depression. Most people don't understand it and don't want to. She has a very special gift in you. Therapy is very important for her to continue. Medication may be needed as well. She cannont depend on just you to be her support system. But keep in mind it is very difficult for depressed people to form relationships. They question every person's motives and wonder if this person is for real or just another person that will disappoint and hurt them like others in the past. She has to feel assurance from you that you do care deeply for her and that you empathize with her.
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A
male
reader, james22 +, writes (23 March 2007):
james22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, i will tell you all a bit more about the situation..i have explained to her how i feel and how this is affecting me and she is all for me going out with my friends, but when it comes to the time she gets all panicky and she is convinced something bad is going to happen to her when i'm not there. I hate to see her like this, we had a good talk about this the other day and we agreed the spark had gone BUT i said i was willing to stand by her, but the trust needs to come...and soon because i cant take not being trusted, especially after all this time. I'm trying to get her to do things she doesnt normally do, like going to the shop alone, and going out without me and doing things without me, i feel as if im her therapist, not her boyfriend. (She doesnt like going out in the dark by herself because she was attacked a few years ago) Im trying my best to get her to go back to her psychologist, so hopefully she will, i'd like to keep you all posted on this situation because this is the first time i've used this website and it looks like i could get the advice i need so thanks for the replies i've had so far.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (23 March 2007):
 Depressed people put up lots of rules and barriers against getting better until they reach that point where they are receptive to treatment. You know that old saying about taking a horse to water but not making them drink...unfortunately all you can do is to be supportive. In the UK, if she declared her depression to her employer she would be entitled to time off for specific psychologist appointments and perhaps you ought to suggest that (Disability Discrimination Act). She could tell her personnel manager if she didn't wish to discuss it with her line manager.
A new job may improve her mood too. She doesn't have the right to control you and if she is being overly needy then you need to demonstrate your independence from her (for her own good). If you are always there for her then she will not be forced to face up to the real issues - by all means be supportive in encouraging her to seek treatment etc but remember that you have a right to a life too.
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A
female
reader, soletshearit +, writes (23 March 2007):
 God you really sound like a very committed and reliable guy, sticking by her through all this. You have to tell her that this is difficult for you too and that you cannot support her unless you are strong enough to. If you are down then how are you supposed to pick her up?
Its a very difficult thing to go through, depression, especially when you are young and helping someone else through it. In fact, depression does affect everyone around you. Maybe you need to step back a little and let her try and hold herself up a bit!!! It will be replenishing for you and for her!
Your GF obviously needs to see a therapist and if she has to start all over again with someone new, so be it! Your health is your wealth and that includes your mental health.
I have been a sufferer of depression and still do have tendancies to drift back in and out of it! Its very easy to get comfortable and lazy when you have someone picking you up...tell her that she has to pick herself up, that you can't help her as much as she can help herself!
I hope this helps or even makes sense! Keep me posted x
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789  +, writes (23 March 2007):
 Dear james22,
Its ok to make your question longer sometimes longer the better but thats ok...Have you tryed to talk to this girl about you hanging out with your friends? you should never let a girl control your life and guys should never control a girls life, but you should tell her that you need time to be with your friends, and let her come hangout with you and your friends to show her how the time goes when your around them, show her thats all it is is friendship...pretty much she is bringing you down with her and some way and how you need to tell her that she needs to get some trust in you because with out trust it will never work.If there is any possible way to get her to go back to a psychologist, you really should your girlfriend sounds like she really needs the help! have you tryed taking her out to nice places and do diffrent things with her? try doing something that you havent to keep her mind off of everything besides a good time, and talk to her about the trust, tell her just because of her past doesnt mean that you are going to be the same way and you want her to trust you two yrs is a long time to be together and by now she should really have the trust in you....well i wish you luck with her and try to get her back to talk to someone because it sounds like she really needs it
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