A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello I fell in love with my same gender best friend of 4 years, we are both married to our husbands with children, had an emotional affair that turned physical for 2 months. We ended the affair but still work in the same building. She has cut me out completely, no contact and I am hurting terribly.she rejects me because her family found out and We both told our husbands respectively. We both agreed that we would be together in another life but she made her choice to stay due to her family. What started as best friends in now forever ruined. Any suggestions or anyone allowed to become friends many years after?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 March 2018):
 Well swing it around the other way if your husband had an affair would you mind him being friends with her down the line? The way I see it is you crossed a line and now that friendship is over. You should concentrate rebuilding your marriage if you are wanting to work through this.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 March 2018):
 Very few people can have successful friendships with an ex. Even fewer can do so without distancing themselves long enough to get rid of their feelings first.
However, even if you two could be friends as exes, you CHEATED which is why your friendship will never be okay. Some people will accept their partner being friends with an ex, but it would be almost impossible to find a partner willing to allow you to be friends with someone you CHEATED WITH.
Get professional help to work on your marriage. If you don't love him any more or have realised you're a lesbian, get a divorce - not for your friend, but for yourself and your poor husband.
Stop pining and stop making bad decisions. The friendship boat has sailed. It's time to start making things right in your life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 March 2018):
 You could do far worse than taking a leaf out of your ex friend/lover's book and concentrating on making amends for what you have done to your husband (and children, if they know about the affair).
To answer your question, I don't think there is much (if any) chance of going back to being friends. You know in your heart that is not what you want. You want her as your lover/partner. Going back to being friends would not work on many levels. Firstly, her husband is likely to see you becoming friends again as a threat to their marriage and, having forgiven her once, is unlikely to do it again. Secondly, your husband is likely to feel the same way. Thirdly, you are bound to feel resentful that, when it came to the crunch, she chose to cut you out of her life. Fourthly, having been lovers, could you stick to being "just" friends? I doubt it. There are other things which come to mind as well but I think what I have already said is enough.
In addition to the above, it is seldom a good move to have an affair with a work colleague.
She has chosen to return to her husband and family, and to cut you out of her life. You may find it helps to do the same and concentrate on rebuilding your marriage. If you cannot do that, then you need to make a clean break from your husband and move on. However, I doubt it will be with this lady.
Sending hugs. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the affair, you will still be hurting badly. Use the experience as a reason to shake yourself down and reassess your goals and priorities. Decide what you want long term and work towards it. This lady is not for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): You were both cheating on your respective husbands and families. You knew this when you initiated it, yet you did it anyway.
Well, there is karma for infidelity. You both hurt others in the process; and your redemption comes from rebuilding trust with those who took a risk with love and married you. Regardless of your sexual-orientation! You exchanged vows with the man you married! The father of your children. You don't just brush them aside like that's nothing!
She chose her husband and family over you. That's true love.
I'm not judging. I'm gay. What's right is right.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (17 March 2018):
You have both set your whole lives on fire and your concern is whether you can rekindle a friendship. In a few years?
The answer is no. There are too many people with an interest in this problem.
If you divorce your husband, but she doesn't divorce hers. Neither he nor she will allow contact.
If you don't divorce your husband, then he won't allow contact.
The only way it can happen is if you both divorce and she does not want that. She chose her husband. This means she did not feel for you the way you felt for her. Don't blame her family. She made the choice.
There are some mistakes that change everything. This is one of them. It's tough to try to grieve for your affair and make amends. But if you want to keep your marriage you must. If you lose you marriage you won't get your friend/lover back. Only you can decide what the right thing for you is
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2018):
 Well, she decided to choose her family over you.
You both cheated and had an affair together, either she got caught or she realized that cheating does NOTHING good for a marriage or family.
You are a bit selfish here OP (If I may be frank) you are more concerned about YOU than then welfare of your OWN family, your husband and kids - her husband and kids. which means you don't really GIVE a shit.
She has made her choice. Nothing you can do about that. If you RATHER have a relationship with a women over your husband and family, you need to get a divorce.
Cheating NEVER fixes anything. It's like pissing your pants in winter to keep warm. Warmth for 20 second and an eternity of REGRET after.
Did you honestly think that this affair wouldn't HURT anyone? That it was OK to do? Where is your common sense? Your common decency?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): It's a bit difficult to comment on this one because I'm not sure what you mean by "emotional affair" - I mean, I know what this usually means - becoming very emotionally involved with someone, to the extent that it disrupts your other intimate relationships (usually without any physical affair happening) - but I don't know what YOU mean by this, in the context of your friendship. Can you be more specific about what the emotional affair involved and why you had to end it? Was it leading towards a physical affair?
I'm not trying to negate what happened, but was this actually more than a very close friendship? If so, how? If not, I don't see what the problem actually was..?
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