A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I probably sound stupid with my problem but it bugs me . I have a friend ( known her over 20 years ) who i have supported through tough times and helped her lose over 6 stone and she was really grateful she felt a new lease of life , recently her gran died and again i was first to be there and support her , Today i was round at another friends house with her and another friend ( 4 of us ) The person whos house we were at didnt support our friend in weight loss and bullied her ,she sent a card and some flowers to her because of her gran dying but shes been quite controlling of her since they first met years ago. Anyway today my friend whos gran died had got our other ' friend' ( bully ) a present for being there for her ! and she opened it in front of us all . I felt like crap not the fact our friend got a present but that i ment nothing to her after all the support she got from me and none from the ' bully ' . I stayed with her so she wouldnt be home alone drinking because that isnt good for her so i was a distraction for her too which she said she was thankful for . i just couldnt be bothered with her much and hardly looked at her or spoke to her. should i say something or just leave it ? i just felt like a fill in friend who ment nothing to her
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): Have you ever thought that she may be taking you for granted?
Have you ever thought that she may have an "abused child" syndrome towards her abuser?
Have you ever thought that someone who needs all that support needs therapy as well?
Anyhow, I would stop focusing on her and focus on myself. Why am I so hurt by this?
Do I need to have around me people who need to be helped?
What does that say about me?
Do I focus more on other people's problems than on my own?
If so, why?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): She is not your friend anymore.Friends don't act like this.Learn from this so when you make new friends you don't let them treat you like c r a p like this one did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): Being a real friend doesn't require applause or praise. It's what you do out the goodness of your heart. People don't always show their appreciation for everyone to see.
A good Samaritan would offer help to a total stranger, and they may never meet again. Should he or she feel unappreciated for assisting someone in need of help?
The fact you had to help her so much is an indication of her weakness in spirit and constant need of support. She may also need a lesson in manners and courtesy.
Here's a few things you should keep in-mind. You give as much as you want to give, but do it with a heart that requires nothing in return. If you voluntarily do something, that's up to you. You may just be offering of yourself more than is required. Don't pat yourself on the back for being kind. That kind of attitude isn't being a good friend.
You get to pick your friends. If they only like you when they need you; you should be mature and experienced enough to know when you're being used.
If she's that unappreciative and weak-minded, what kind of a friend is she anyway?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 March 2018):
 Should you have said anything?
No. You didn't help your friend out so she would reciprocate with a gift, right?
So maybe she gave the "bully" a gift because THAT "friend" finally did something nice. Kind of rewarding a "bad dog" with a treat when they do good. You are always a "good dog" so no need. IF you get my meaning (not calling you a dog just an illustration).
I do get why you feel hurt, because it seems like you and your help/support are taken for granted while "bully" is rewarded for not being an asshat to her for once.
Personally, I wouldn't take it personal. You did what a GOOD friend does. Support your friend ALL the time when she needs support. Jumping in ONCE to help out... (like the "bully") is not. Now if your friend doesn't recognize that, it's on her.
Life isn't tit for that, OP. If you DO feel that you are taken for granted by this friend, back off a little. Let her fix her own messes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): I've had a similar situation with a friend who I really, really helped and supported through very difficult times. This included encouraging her in a new relationship with a man when she didn't have much confidence in herself. I very rarely ask other people to help me - it's just due to my upbringing - but I usually always help others. With this friend, because I'd known her for so long and had helped her so much, I did something I would not usually do when I myself needed help - I actually told her I was struggling and wasn't sure what to do. This is unusual for me, because I prefer to just get on with sorting out my problems. What had happened was I became very physically ill but the doctor's had no idea what was wrong with me (it took 2 years to get a diagnosis of a form of IBS that was making me faint and totally lacking in energy) and separated from my long term partner, had to sell my home and had a drop in income, and my daughter contracted diabetes type 1 at the same time - all she could do was suggest I see a counsellor. She had no idea how to talk to me about my problems, other than showing a concern that I must maintain a good reputation and not let anyone see my problems (which I don't usually in any case).She later screamed at me in public and then dropped me entirely as a friend, ensuring that all of her friends who had come to know and really like me stopped contact with me too - basically, I was cut out entirely from her network, with no explanation and no contact since. Very painfully, she remained quite close friends to a good friend of mine, who I introduced her to. I still battle with how I feel about that part of it, but try not to dwell on it.Like your situation, she had other 'friends' who actually treated her quite badly and gave nothing like the kind of support and understanding she got from me. But she kept them as friends and dropped me.This was some years ago. On a bad day, it still hurts me if I think about it. I think the hurt lingers because I felt so utterly bewildered and hurt that, due to circumstances that were absolutely beyond my control, my life suddenly took a nose-dive, and she didn't want to know - but the strong implication was that it was somehow my fault that she had dropped the friendship, because she was the one who ended it. I felt punished, with no idea why. And it felt so unfair, given how much I'd helped her.However, thinking about it a bit differently, I can see she has real problems with intimacy. She is the kind of person who likes to give the impression of having a great lifestyle, with great friends, but there is a huge amount of anger and mess underneath. She couldn't even bear to look at my 'mess' because it made her think too much about her own. So she cut me out, and kept the more superficial friends who wouldn't inadverently make her feel insecure.It may well be that something similar is actually going on with your friend. Sorry to say, but overweight people often do have emotional issues going on underneath, that they have not resolved. Losing weight will help them to feel better on one level, but the emotional issues might still be there, all messy, underneath. People who are in a mess can gravitate towards very dominant people because they simply feel safer that way - it's like it stops them from feeling they are in 'unknown territory' because someone is basically ordering them about how to behave and what to do. It would make sense that she would put you to one side, because she had a more intimate relationship with you and you saw her 'mess' and now that she's lost the weight she doesn't want to go any further looking into the emotional mess underlying it; at some level, you will even be a threat to her, because she let you in more than she would other people and she can't bear the thought of letting you in more, because then she'd have to confront the mess she's in and she doesn't have the strength to do it.It really, really sucks when people behave like this. My friend who dumped me had told me that she loved me, that I was her closest friend ever, that I was exceptionally caring and "this is your special quality". Then dumped me. But if you are a caring person, this can honestly happen. I am trying not to let it make me bitter, but I don't yet have the answer other than to be a lot more careful about where I direct my care in future.
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