A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My friends and I have this issue that we really can't talk to an adult in our lives about without getting into trouble and we don't know how to solve the problem either. There's this girl who hangs around us who we really just don't like and would prefer not to have anything to do with. The problem is, there is NO way we can say "go away" without being complete bitches and she isn't getting ANY of the hints we're dropping. I hate to say it, but sometimes we're purposely mean to her to get her to go away. When I say we're "mean", I mean that she'll come up to us, sit down, and start butting into the conversation. So one of us looks at her and goes, "ANYway!" and goes back to the conversation. Or, we ignore her and she goes, "Did you hear me?" and one of us goes, "Yep, sure did" and then we ignore her. One girl straight-out says, "Seriously?! I HATE it when people butt into conversations!" She keeps acting all butt-hurt but STILL continues to try to butt in.The problem with her is that she is REALLY unpopular and doesn't have any friends. She has been at our school from pre-K through now and NO ONE likes her. We were warned that she only had three friends the whole time and that they all transferred because everyone made fun of them but for some reason she never got the hint and transferred herself. She told us that her parents wouldn't LET her. (It's a Catholic School). We all came in here around sixth - 8th grade and at first we felt sorry for her, so we were nice. BIG mistake. When someone is nice to her, she leeches onto that person and WILL NOT GO AWAY.We don't care if she sits by us SOMETIMES at lunch but it shouldn't be EVERY DAY. I mean, sometimes anyone will come sit by us at lunch or on the band or track bus but while that's OK, it's sort of annoying because sometimes we want to talk about something PRIVATE. She doesn't seem to know when to keep her mouth shut so she'll sit by ANYONE who is nice to her and strike up a conversation about whatever we just talked about to whoever she feels like it. I mean, we're not discussing plans to do illegal drugs or anything and only two of us have had sex, and we don't get into that. But we WANT to talk about it sometimes and we really don't have the opportunity because most of our parents are up our butts so we can't do it anywhere else. It could be pretty minor (like who likes who) but IT'S NO ONE'S BUSINESS and she spreads it around and tells stories (even to her parents) about what we talk about at lunch or what we did when we hung out. She's even talked to her neighbors like we're all best friends or something and NONE OF US CAN STAND HER!She exaggerates things all the time and has caused her parents to call OUR parents and discuss things we said/did/experienced that they felt were inappropriate almost getting us in trouble because she exaggerated! I mean, while we shouldn't have done it, this other girl and I got a LITTLE drunk when her parents were asleep (like, we had three shots each). No one drove anywhere, we just got silly. But this girl butted into the conversation, talked about getting drunk with us (she wasn't THERE) and it blew up into this story about how we all used drugs and stuff like that. I mean, she got us GROUNDED. If she HAD been there, it would have been different but still wrong. I mean she MADE IT UP. And she WAS NOT THERE.I could mention something in passing (any of us could) about how some guy annoys us or some girl did something and this girl takes it upon herself to confront the person FOR us and makes things up and really almost got our one friend beat up over it. That's how bad she is, and she acts like we're supposed to thank her later for "helping". No, she's SAID THAT. She doesn't know anything about anything. Her parents only let her listen to gospel music and watch Christian movies and read Christian books so she is REALLY out of the loop. Same with the Internet, it's ALWAYS only allowed to be research and they make sure to tell our parents that. All that.So basically, we can't do ANYTHING when she comes over. At all. Like, if WE come over, her parents will NOT let us in her bedroom. SHE isn't even allowed in her room unless she is sleeping or changing her clothes and she has NO DOOR. Not because she's being punished, but because she was NEVER allowed to have those freedoms. She has multiple siblings and she is in the middle. Their parents are just as strict with them too, and half the time we hang out, they make her bring a younger sibling so basically if SHE isn't telling on us, her siblings are and they ALL exaggerate.Basically, we're sick of bending over backward to hide really minor things from her parents just so we can hang out and have to stop every three seconds to explain basic things to her. She isn't allowed to have a license and even though she's lived in our small town ALL HER LIFE, she hasn't a CLUE how to get around and she doesn't know where things are and hasn't heard of a LOT of places that are really popular and well-knownShe's nice and all that, but is there some way to just make her go the heck away without being mean to her? She gets her feelings hurt REALLY easily and when we DID make sure she wasn't invited (we were talking about a slep over and she assumed she was) our parents made us apologize and invite her ... which ruined something we were looking forward to. Her parents insisted on coming and basically stayed in the next room with us and slept in shifts. Even the GIRLS parents (who invited us over)said they would never invite her again. Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): You are being really mean to this poor girl for no damn reason! She is clueless about the basics of life because her PARENTS made sure she was. they don't want her to experience the things you guys are experiencing and they don't want her around it. Since they're always right on top of her, there is no way that she can do anything as little as getting a gum fine without getting caught or told on. She was trained from an early age to report anything or anyone out of line. The simplest solution is to NOT DO THOSE things around her in the first place. don't talk about things you don't want repeated, it's not.that.hard. As for hanging out outside school, don't make plans around her if you're going to exclude her, that's just rude.
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (20 September 2014):
 Did you ever think that YOU are part of the problem?
Look, playing the "Mean Girlz" routine is NEVER the answer.
I understand your concern about her lying...and being a pest...And, getting you all into trouble...
BUT, did you ever think of telling her straight outright that you don't like her lying, and don't want to hang around with her? Maybe that's what you should do.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 Give her a break. You're both at school and only have to put up with each other for a finite amount of time. Everyone has someone like that in their lives at some point. Me, my partner, my parents, whoever, at school, at work, at church, wherever. You can't always like everyone, you just have to grin and bear it, because there isn't really another option. You can't be horrible and tell someone to stop being your friend because then... what does that say about you??She'll look back and probably regret wasting time on people that weren't her friends and likewise, you'll look back and wonder why you didn't try a bit harder to be nice to someone who, from what I read, hasn't done anything wrong. Be mature and at the very least, be civil to a girl who doesn't have any other friends.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 September 2014):
 Why would talking to an adult about her get you in trouble? Just tell your parents that you have tried being friends with her.
I wonder if this girl might look back on her interactions with your clique someday and realize that she was being bullied....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): Trust me, pretty much EVERYONE has to deal with someone like that in their lives at one point or another. The slightly unpopular person who you've sort of befriended, that then becomes an annoying nuisance and you can't get rid of. You have two options, have a frank talk with her one on one, that you don't like her and would prefer if she gave you guys some space, or leave her be and try to be civil. I was in a pretty much identical situation at school and I didn't manage to shake them throughout seven years together. No-one in our group ever said anything outright, but we were pretty bitchy to her, ignoring her, dismissing her opinion, talking over her, just generally not being nice. She was really similar to your 'friend' - she came for a sleep over at mine once and my mum (who gets on with everyone and works with autistic adults, so is used to challenging people) said she found her difficult and would be reluctant to have her back! She also had a weird, restrictive family... she once bought a skirt with her birthday money without asking her mum and her mum made her return to the shop, only for them to go BACK to the shop and buy it again a few days later together! She also wasn't allowed to shut her door and had a hidden stash of white toilet roll in her room because her mum would only allow lilac in the bathroom! ANYWAY...She put up with us because she didn't have any other friends. Looking back, I really regret not trying harder to be nice. Why? Because my heart would be shattered into a thousand pieces if anyone ever treated my daughter like that. So now, I try my very best to be nice to people, even if they are annoying and boring and everytime I see them I have to fight not to roll my eyes! I'll avoid them, but be civil if they seek me out or I have to deal with them. I've also confronted someone and asked them not to hang around in our group and it was a conversation I MASSIVELY regretted and still feel a twinge of guilt when I think about it now. She ended up being really reasonable and withdrew from the group and had very little to do with us after that. Sure, it worked, but do the means justify the end? NO. I hurt another human being without good reason really, just that she didn't fit in with my group of friends. I can seriously remember the look on her face and I feel horrible, all these years later. I saw her once or twice after we graduated and said sorry - she said she didn't even remember how we stopped being friends and not to worry, but I still felt awful.My point: leave her be. Seriously. You said she doesn't have any other friends, so just try your best to be civil, you'll only feel bad later if you don't. I'm not suggesting you invite her out or anything, but if she comes over, just change the subject so its not something she can get involved in and spread, maybe just about class or whatever. Save gossiping for when she's away, because she can't be there ALL the time. Cut the girl some slack. She's just trying to get through school, just like you. You won't see her again after school, so bite your tongue and grin through gritted teeth.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 Ifeel so sorry for her. She sounds like the loneliest person on the planet with no social skills to realize how to make friends so she just buds her way into places a person normally would not go. I'm wondering if there might be a learning disability involved here? Rather than continure to hope she suddenly 'gets it' I would suggest you go to her parents with the problem. They would be able to guide the situation to an agreeable ending without a total confrontation. I know it is frustrating but you are expecting her to act and react as you all would but her social skills sound severely stunted so she doesn't understand there's a problem.Good Luck and be patient.deep breath.
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