A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just discovered (or rather the computer repairer told me) that during a period where we broke up, my girlfriend had joined a site that is there for married people to cheat on each other . She`s down as single but seeking attached or married men. The profile is still there. I am know that I have no right to tell her how she should live her life with or without me in it. The truth is I am finding it difficult to stomach that it was basicaly about sex with someone attached or married "to enjoy her untill the next time" and she had also put semi naked photos on her profile without her face on. She is possessive by nature and has at times been hard work because of it. It is the fact that she obviously felt no right from wrong,and at this stage I am wondering if/or how many she had sex with. She is not likely to admit anything if i ask. You set me up,if there is someone else just go, is the likeliest thing she will come out with and has always been defensive at the most innocent questions anyway. I am questioning whether its time to end it and keep it that way. I find it very unfeeling,callous to actively seek sex with married people. She knows something is bothering me and keeps asking me whats wrong,is there someone else etc. I am now getting to the point where I dont see anything good about her. The computer guy never told me not to tell her how I know and said it had a virus that pointed to a chat programm that was used on the site and was possibly sent purposely by someone. Something to do with java or something I dont know enough about this to know what he meant. She is older than me but very immature and this is why there is never any resolve over any disagreement.
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female
reader, Impartial_Opinion +, writes (30 January 2011):
Well done you. Don't look back and find someone who is deserving of you, it sounds as though your heart in the right place. Onwards and upwards my friend.
IP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): There is something good, the computerman told you because he was a normal chap. The average people view her type as the lowest of the low. The misery and the children of the men she will sleep with will be of no concern to her. It will all be coming back her way, and she won't even know what she did wrong. Any woman who behaves like her, is no lady. I have no other belief than she either has or would have cheated on you and felt no guilt. Shameless.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Damn, you got lucky getting out of that relationship. She's got some serious work to do, and a lot of people to hurt before she gets down to doing it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): somehow i think fate played its part in finding out. in truths like this, its one in a million chance but usually gets to you and thats why they are not prepared for it and shocked when caught. I remember my ex accidently bluetoothing me her knock offs number by accident (she had no idea who it was by the way). i ended up finding more out (she was sick to death of living under suspicion,like being with her ex husband all over again lol) saw a search on pc how does my fiance know my recent calls? (she even said i was making that up too). why lie? couldnt have meant much anyway.its enough without having lies and disrespect rubbed in your face. Good luck because you made a good move. Dont ever think you wont do better,you will i promise that,in treatment and looks. -chris31-
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
This woman just sounds dreadful. Remember, if she damages your stuff, you can report her for it and claim cash from her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Thanks for responding,spoke to her,the response was "so what,I wasnt with you remember" "if some woman cant control her husband why should I feel bad about it? if it wasnt me then it would be someone else" "what was you doing on there anyway"? "What gives you the right to judge me?" Decided not to hang around and staying at a friends house but not told him the details. She ended her words with "go on F***k off" then 5 minutes later a text "dont come back,anything left will be cut to pieces.I will be meeting another tomorrow so dont cry like a bitch" I wont,I`m glad its all over.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Why are you still with this woman? Obviously, she finds nothing wrong with having sex with married men. Her account is still active, so there's no telling what she has been up to. It doesn't matter... the fact is, she lacks morals.
How bad does it have to get before you finally put your foot down and get her out of your life? Are you secretly hoping she will suddenly change? I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is not going to happen.
What do you plan on doing? Please keep us updated. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 January 2011):
Your girlfriend sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry but that's the truth from what you've written about her. I don't know why nice guys like you get involved with and stay with women like her. And you even write "I know that I have no right to tell her how she should live her life with or without me in it." Um...if you're in a committed relationship, there are certain "rules" that both parties are understood to abide by, and she's breaking them! So yes, you do have a right to not accept this from her. Why are you even doubting yourself for feeling this way?? Is it low self-esteem, thinking you can't "do better" than this? Get out of this mindset.Please get out of this relationship now. She's doing so many things that are destructive to a loving relationship. Even before this incident, you said she's already been possessive which has been creating problems.Then you say that if you were to confront her about this, she would most likely say, "You set me up,if there is someone else just go, is the likeliest thing she will come out with and has always been defensive at the most innocent questions anyway."You know her better than anyone here, and if she truly would respond that way, then there's no way that you can continue a relationship with her AND be happy/fulfilled/at peace. I mean, you could continue a relationship with her and just be miserable.It's no wonder that you feel like this, as you stated: "I am now getting to the point where I dont see anything good about her."There's no point in being in a relationship with someone that you can't see anything good about. What can ever become of it?I think you should tell her what you've found, accept that she will react the way you predict and just say fine I'm leaving, and then mean it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Your course of action should be pretty clear at this point."I am now getting to the point where I dont see anything good about her."So, you leave, if you have any self respect that is.Now, what do you tell her?You tell her the truth. You tell her that you respect relationships, a lot, and you want one that matters, with someone who feels the same way.You tell her that the computer repair guy found this while doing work, and it shows that she has a profile seeking sex with married or attached men, which clearly means that she doesn't respect relationships and doesn't mind being the spoiler in order to pump her own ego up.Nothing more ego boosting that screwing someone elses spouse or significant other, because it makes you feel "more" than the other person and "more" than you feel about yourself.People who do this have major ego issues and need to work on them in order to be good to others. She clearly needs to work on that. Tell her that, and she can work on it till the next guy comes along, and maybe she can figure it out with a counselor so she doesn't torpedo the next relationship as well as a bunch of others.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): I have had similar,and its like finding dating profiles for years,break up,make up,but whatever the cost they always turned up,always said it was when we broke up or denied it. The truth is,always there,started sexting,it wouldnt stop. I saw the married one and realised i wasnt as unshockable as I believed. Putting it to the back of your mind never made it go away,and everythings ok,then suddenly feeling disgust,its not quite what i wanted to feel,believe and wondered just what else,how much more there was. Its been a while now and caring anymore about it has gone,reading this has been the first i have heard anyone else mention it. Its forgivable if someone fell for someone married without intending to,became weak or vulnerability was taken advantage of. Actively seeking it and knowing how it would feel the other way round speaks for itself. You will get over it,but not while you are with her. If you miss her,and you will,just remember you are missing what you wished it was,not how it really was.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): I have seen things and always tried to keep an open mind,the try anything once type of girl. This one,I really do feel for you because there is just nothing in defence can be said or anything else but leave her asap. You say how you feel about it,but you must really wish she wasnt the type who would do it,but she obviously is. Unless you are like that yourself,there is not any chance of it working. Sort accomodation and flee. Dont let her know where to find you,change your number. No contact or you will miss her even more.If you feel you can overcome it then okay,but I dont think you or any normal person could live with this,not without hypnotism anyhow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): You should tell her you found out about the profile.
It's not like you were snooping around for it, it came out in the diagnosis for you computer virus.
That said you should tell her this after you pack your bags and have another place set up to move into. You sound empathetic given everything you've put up with from her, but if you try to deal with this, you will slowly drive yourself insane.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You're still young, and you will meet other more mature woman who have the same values as you do. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2011):
I think when you look at the big picture with this girl, you can see so many problems that it's not worth taking her back unless you want a lack of trust and lack of morals.
First of all, why did you two break up? If you broke up, then there was a reason for that, and it's clear that there were underlying problems before this that made you two unsuitable to be together. You also say there is never any time where an argument can be resolved, and that she is immature. This relationship is a mess, and you two shouldn't be together on the basis of that alone.
Now to the internet site. In fairness, it was done when you were apart. However, you know that it is still there, and that means that there is a high chance she is cheating, or is looking to cheat, or at the very least expects you two to break up again.
Worse, it's a site for cheats, which really is the final nail in the coffin. If she has no respect for the idea of marriage or commitment, then any relationship that you two have will be based upon nothing.
By the way, I was pleased to see that you understand you can't tell her how to live her life. That said, you do have the right to set certain standards. She doesn't seem to have any.
To my mind, any more time you spend with this woman will be a waste that will land you in more pain, an embarrassment. You don't want some angry wife turning up at the door telling you her husband has been cheating with your girlfriend. That would be distressing and embarrassing, and would make you look at fool.
Walk away from her and find a woman with more respect for herself, and commitment.
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