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male
age
51-59,
*railrunners
writes: My wife has an e-mail relationship with another man. He is a mutual friend. The e-mails are not private, I can read them, but they are frequent. I know she gets excited to get e-mails from him and checks her e-mail a lot during the day (a lot more than she ever used to), and couldn't even go Christmas weekend without checking to see if she got an e-mail from him. I feel like our relationship is good, but I get upset when I think about her thinking about him a lot and always checking her e-mails for messages from him. The messages are innocent, but it's obvious she really likes him and thinks about him more often than she would admit. Is it wrong for me to be upset by this?
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male
reader, dorfmeistersfan +, writes (14 January 2007):
 I am not the one who is creating issues of discomfort, un-easiness, skepticism within his marriage, his wife is!
Now, since my last post, his replying email stated, """. There were a couple of e-mails that my wife sent very early on in which she discussed her emotions, but since we had a conversation about this and she realized that could be a problem, she hasn't gone there again at all.""" has just proved one of my points about this wife losing her perspective as a wife, and that this issue of inappropriatness, and personal disrespect has lead her to develop emotional feelings toward a man outside her marriage. This consequence was highly predictable, but not this soon since my last email.
Now, he's confronted with the issue of trust, to see if she does stop, and find her place as his wife of appropriate behavior, self respect and descency.
However, if she fails the trust TEST, then he should seek professional help that should warrant ultimatiums to secure happiness on his part.
Good luck women sir,
Dormeistersfan
A
male
reader, trailrunners +, writes (4 January 2007):
trailrunners is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the replies! Dr. Pete I like your post, however I should point out that while my wife is approaching 40, she is still VERY physically fit (remember we're on a running team together) and very attractive. If you were to see her, you wouldn't think we have 3 children and she is approaching 40. I also believe strongly that she knows that I find her very attractive - I tell her often and treat her in such a way that she knows I find her attractive.
I think, there may be more of an issue with me as I'm approaching 40. While I'm very physically fit as well, I am more self-conscious about my appearance - I'm balding, getting some more wrinkles and don't look quite as young as I used to. It seems that I've been somewhat self-conscious myself and may have a bit of a self-esteem issue (though I am a pretty good runner:-). Perhaps that's why I may feel threatened by my wife e-mailing a mutual running friend of ours who is 8 years younger than me (30). As I said, my wife is still very attractive, fit, and a very successful runner. Even though I can read all of the e-mails and they have all been innocent and I can tell they are just friends, I feel a bit threatened. There were a couple of e-mails that my wife sent very early on in which she discussed her emotions, but since we had a conversation about this and she realized that could be a problem, she hasn't gone there again at all. I know that if I asked her, she would stop e-mailing him altogether. She has told me this.
All this said, I also know that my wife still finds me attractive. She says little things to me that make me feel good and gives me lots of intimate attention. So really, our relationship is as good as it's ever been. We've been talking honestly a lot more, we've tried to do little things that make each other happy, and our communication is great. We've been able to take something that could be considered a negative and turned it into a very positive thing for us. All of the posts here have been good, even dorfmeisterfan's. He's right that I still have to be diligent, but as all of you have said, as long as my wife is completely open and honest with this friendship, there really is not a problem.
Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Female reader who is angry and judgemental heself and has followed certain posts and spewed out her hate and self loathing on others when she believes it is directed at her and takes things overly personally...which isn't healthy...what is up with that?
Why start crap? Life that meaningless?
Stop already. Hiding behind an anonymous "title" to further vindicate and lie to yourself that what you are doing is acceptable is wrong.
Stop.
Just stop.
It's tiresome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): trailrunners great to see your talk worked out! It's amazing that a good heart-to-heart can solve practically any relationship issue isn't it? People all too often forget this or are too afraid, if only they could open their heart for one conversation.
Malye gives you great advice about emailing her, or at least, introduce something new in to your relationship that makes her feel special and thought about. She's approaching 40 and on some level I am guessing there is fear that you arn't still physically attracted nor love her in the same way - this is a time when both of your ages when your bodies start changing a lot, women especially feel like a man may want to "exchange" her for a newer model. Be aware of this, remind her that nothing will change your feelings and that, in fact, they have only ever grown stronger as you have been allowed to love her each and every day for so long now.
Your wife obviously likes this kind of special-feeling she is getting from the emails, but, it seems, she would much prefer to have this attention from you, her faithful and loving husband.
I guess it goes without saying you'll ignore dorfmeistersfan's advice, unless you want to end your otherwisely great 14 years together =)
Talking is great, you should recommend it to the next friend of yours who is going through a relationship problem!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): dorfmeisterfan,
And who are YOU to be so judgmental?
His wife is open about the emails - her husband can read them if he wants - and there isn't, according to what he has told us, any inappropriate content to them. Also, her husband DOES know the man. Remember, they were on the same running team. He lives a long way from them, in California. This would make it very difficult IF he wanted to meet this man's wife!
He talked to his wife and the discussion went well.
People, even married ones, do have friends, both same sex and opposite sex. So long as it is something they can share with their spouse, and so long as there is no secrecy or deception involved, and it is purely platonic, there isn't really anything to worry about.
The fact is, its not really healthy to TOTALLY rely on your spouse for ALL your companionship! Yes, husband and wife should enjoy one another's company, and have things they do in common; some things with a friend, and then mutually with friends together.
Again, if the husband knows this man, and he says he does, and likes him, and doesn't think he has any bad intentions, then there is no reason for all the kinds of alarms you write about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): Yes, and start sending her emails. Even if you are standing in line for a movie. Tell a joke, share a thought...even if you think it's bizarro.
I find that when you can just let loose and say what you are thinking...when it is not to fixated on faults...keep it light...things remain fun and the bond of friendship and love are strengthened.
This is probably the appeal of the male friend directly or indirectly.
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male
reader, dorfmeistersfan +, writes (27 December 2006):
All the posters are SO WRONG HERE...
This is your wife, not your girl friend, and what's more important is the stability of your marriage. No women or man should be sharing intimate, or caring emails with anyone besides their spouse.
This type of behavior is soon to lead into many psychological, ethical, and marital problems. Her attraction to this man at this capacity is HIGH unacceptable. Also, SHE SHOULD NOT BE ASSISTING IN HELPING YOU TO GROW INTO THIS UNCOMFORTABLE REALM OF SHARING HER FEELINGS, ATTENTION, ETC.,
You don't know this other guy, his intentions, etc., so I warn you to not get involved and maintain a professional position about your marriage. Again, this is your marriage and not a recent relationship.
Mention your concerns to her about this and if she's not responsive to your feelings, then site her ultimatums, for help: marital counseling to get to the bottom of the issues. Also, if possible, SAVE ALL EMAILS for educational and perspective purposes. Also, don't mistaken your needs with the issue of trust....There is no issue of trust that has surface due to these actions-YET. What this is, is an issue of RESPECT....and it should not be compromised with trust.
Americans, are so stupid when it comes to issues like this and the result is a CATOSTROPHIC HIGH DIVORCE RATE IN OUR COUNTRY DUE TO SUCH!
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male
reader, trailrunners +, writes (27 December 2006):
trailrunners is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input! My wife and I did have a talk about it last night and it went really well. We are all on a running team together, that's how we all met. The gentleman in question lives a long ways away (California, we're in Minnesota). I think I do agree with Eddie that I'm reading too much into this situation. I do like the gentleman in question and don't believe he has any bad intentions. It's possible I'm being a bit too possessive with my wife. She was very understanding of my feelings during our discussion last night and will respect the way I feel. I am not asking her to stop e-mailing him at all, I just want her to be honest with herself about how much time she thinks about e-mailing him and also be aware of my feelings. I really liked your responses Eddie and Young Aunty. They actually support the way I'm feeling right now after the good discussion that my wife and I had last night. And, yes, I do know that she loves me very much and I think our relationship is way better now after we've had some very good talks about it. It's easy to let a relationship stagnate (we've been married 14 years, I'm 38 and she is 37) is you don't work at it. We're working at it again now, and it is very good. Thanks!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 December 2006):
 Is this guy a person that lives close to you and your wife? I can see your point but you might be reading too much into it. I would tell her in a pleasant manner, that it makes you "somewhat jealous" that she seems so interested in the attention she gets from this other man. How did they meet?
The fact she checked her email over Christmas weekend is just an action you're trying to make inappropriate. What does Christmas have to do with checking email. Nothing. She probably got emails from other peopel too.
The truth is this. There may be part of her that enjoys some attention from another male. It's innocent and natural at this point. If there was a pretty woman working at the grocery store who complimented you and and made you feel good, you'd probably choose her check out when you were shopping each week. People like people who make them feel good. Having said that, things can get out of hand. Just keep your eyes open and let her know in a nice way how you feel. If sh'e spending too much time thinking about this guy, that's not good either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): Well think of it as a quite upset..sorta drop hints that you don't like it AT ALL!..but i email friend form the internet all the time and my Fiance don't like it..i don't have feelings for them..but it's just nice 2 know that u can always make friends..mabey that's how she fells.. By Fiance gets so worked up about it it drives me crazy..but i love him..and i can put up with it..and he can put up with me..so hopfully you guys can talk..
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