A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this girl for a little over 2 years now. Everything is great in our relationship and we both have sex regularly. There is one thing that came up and keeps coming up. When we first started dating, I had a jealous friend on the side who really wanted to be with my girlfriend. I was 18 and she was 16 1/2 at the time. My parents thought she was too young and decided I shouldn't date her. My nice parents said either I break up or I get kicked out of the house. So I was forced to break up - and I was heart broken cause this girl was everything to me. Well my "friend" decided to go behind my back and back-stab me. He knew about the problems with my parents and used it to his advantage. In less than a week after I broke up, he told the girl that I was never coming back and that he was going to be there from then on. Since they (my friend and the girl) had some history but never dated, She believed him and allowed him to have sex with her. After he had sex with her, he went over to his real girlfriends house and left her alone, and never called my "previous"girlfriend back.after that week - I finally came to my senses, and decided the girl was worth it, and started dating her again. I found out about this shortly after coming back to her. I don't know what to do, cause this still plays in the back of my mind even after 2 years of being with her. I know she loves me and I love her dearly. What really hurts is that only after 1 week she had sex with him, as if I had never existed or came into her life. She says my friend was manipulative but who can say that unless they were there. The reason this plays so much on my mind is cause I was a virgin before I met her, and I lost it to her. It was very special to me, and I wonder if she felt the same way (not being a virgin).I cant stop thinking about what this "friend" did to my girlfriend even after 2 years. The "friend" is long gone but I cant get it out of my mind. What should I do? I feel violated and betrayed long after this all has happened. I feel like my girlfriend betrayed me.How can I stop feeling like this, and move on?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I am a little older than you, so I am sure that influences my perspective on things. Here's the deal - in this day and age it is increasingly uncommon for people to meet young, only have sex with each other, and stay together for their whole life. This means that unless you are one of those rare few (which you are already not), you and/or your mate are going to have to deal with each other's sexual history. A few things that might help...First, realize that everything that happens to a person contributes to making them who they are today. You might wish that something in your past, or someone's else's past, had not occurred, but you can't go back and change things in the past, and if you like the person now, just accept that their past is what got them to be who they are today. Second, this kind of thing is very, very common, and like some others have stated, it is almost definitely the result of her feeling terrible, lost, and emotionally devastated after the breakup. In general, people do not have good tools for dealing with these kinds of situations. It does not mean that she was over you quickly - in fact, it most likely means that she was overwhelmed and emotionally fragile. In all likelihood, she probably feels more badly about it than you do. Unfortunately, this is part of risk one takes when you break up, but it is hard to truly understand that until you do. If you care about her, let it go. Just keep telling yourself that you were broken up, and that's what breaking up means - the possibility of being with other people, whether for a good, bad,, or random reason. And if you don't want her to be with others, don't break up with her again! The important thing is that she is with you now - so forget about the past, and enjoy the present. If the thought comes into your mind, just say to yourself immediately "what happened then doesn't matter now" and force yourself to think of something else. Eventually you will stop thinking about it.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (14 November 2009):
 Well I think in the back of your mind you feel betrayed not only because of the backstabbing, but because your GF had sex so quickly after the breakup.
Look. Two years is an awful long time to hold a grudge against your current GF. I mean yes there is the short amount of time it took for your buddy to bed her. Believe me look around this site and that isn't all. that uncommon. There are tons of people in a similar situation. They break up for a short period of time, and during that time they sleep with somebody else and then they get back together. Only for this to be discovered and eventually they break up for good becuase one party opr the other can't let it go.
But generally in those instances its a fairly recent discovery. TWO YEARS however?
You've been with her this long, and you have never asked her about whether or not it was special to her? then thats totally on you.
I take it you have never really brought any of this up with her from your post.
Has she given you any indication that she has cheated on you in the relationship, or screwed around with other guys during any breaks?
If not, I think its really something that is YOUR problem. And honestly, if its been two years and you are still bothered by it then it is highly unlikely you will ever get over it. If that is the case its time for you to move on. Its just not fair to your Girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (14 November 2009):
 To be honest I feel sorry for your girlfriend - she was in a vulnerable place; im sure that if she felt the same way about you as you did about her that breakup devastated her. She probably believed there was no chance of you getting back together, and believing you have no chance with somebody you really care about at that age is horrible - I know, I've been there. It leads you to do things you would never ordinarily do. I hugely doubt she really wanted anything with this "friend", and maybe just saw it as a way to try and distract herself from you (when at this point, remember, she felt you two had no future and she needed to move on). More likely, I think, your friend recognised that she was in an extremely vulnerable and irrational place, and took advantage. Imagine how terrible your girlfriend must have felt after she'd realised that thats all that had happened. Im sure she still feels bad about it now.. I can understand why you would be upset about this at first, but please try to see it from her perspective now. She didn't do this intentionally to harm you, and if she wasn't so unhappy and confused about the breakup it probably would never have happened at all. Far from thinking you "had never existed or come into her life", and to be honest i don't think she deserves to be made to feel guilty about it two years on.
By the way, I am so sorry about the situation with your parents - I am 17 and with a 21 year old and am extremely grateful that neither set of parents had an issue with it when I was 16. Have you managed to resolve that dispute?
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