A
female
age
36-40,
*abydoll0713
writes:This is kind of a weird question but here it goes. One of my great friends was with this guy for about 3 months. He told her from the beginning that he didn't want anything serious with her and she was ok with that at first. Well she ended up slowly moving into his place thinking it would get him to want to really be with her and stay with her. Needless to say it didn't work. He sleeps with other girls and she still continued to stay there. Well about 3 weeks ago I talked to her and she was crying telling me that he has been trying to kick her out telling her he wants nothing more then sex from her. Now she's the type of person that when she wants something she goes all out to try to get it. So while talking to her I told her to just pack her things and leave, there isn't anything she can do but do what he has asked. Well last week I got a call from her telling me she is now pregnant and did it so he would stay with her. She told him and he wants her to have an abortion and get out of his life. I feel for her but I don't understand her. Now she calls me about 20 times a day giving me nothing but sob stories expecting me to feel sorry for her. I try to be a good friend and tell her the truth but also be there for her. I don't think she should have this baby and if she does she should give it up for adoption. This is just my opinion and it's her body so it's her decision but I know she isn't mature enough to handle this. Either way what should I say to her? I want her to know how stupid she is for doing this but I want her to have someone to be there for her. She's a great friend and I adore her but I don't know how to deal with this. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): These stories sound familiar. I know someone who knew this guy only wanted to fool around. He told her he didn't want what they do to come between him and his girlfriend. After he told her that, I told her I wouldn't even give him a second date, you're a convenience and nothing more. She wouldn't listen and thought she could knock girlfriend out of the picture. She had the baby and thought she was moving in his house only sad to say it still hasn't happened. He does what is right and takes care of his baby but he is not in love with her because if he was he wouldn't still be trying to get his girlfriend back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): I have experienced a simialr situation this year when my friend got pregnant by a guy whom she was seeing for a very short while. She continued with the preganacy inspite of him wanting the termination. Like you I have genuinely been a good friend when she has very few and I do feel for her. I feel for her in that she feels shame and disappontment from her family and she feels like she is been jugded even by me when I really have been there for her. Support your friend and tell her the truth and that's all you can do. I hope your friend makes the right decision for her.
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female
reader, babydoll0713 +, writes (21 June 2007):
babydoll0713 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for the great advice! I rolled it all together and was stern but compassionate. Only time will tell how it works out. Keep the advice coming as I am sure I am still going to need it. I got a tough road ahead of me with helping her. I'll keep you posted!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Next time she calls tell her you've done all you can as far as advice goes and she didn't listen. Offer to go with her to seek professional help for her problems (which seem to go way beyond this one guy). If you think she'll take any suggestions about the baby encourage her to put it up for adoption. The child could still have a happy life despite it's biological parents. But above all get her to talk with a counselor because right now she doesn't seem to be in state of mind to be making any sort of major decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Sadly, I doubt your friend will listen to any advice you give her. Her plot didn't work and now she's paying the price for her foolishness. She may "go all out to get what she wants" but the only thing she's accomplished is one huge mess. He obviously loathes her and wants her out of his life. I hope she would choose termination and get on with her life but, unfortunately, she sounds like she would have the baby just so she could take him to court for support payments. Why would any self-respecting woman want a man who only wanted her for sex? The guy may be a jerk but he was honest with her from the start however, I have to say that he is just as responsible for the pregnancy as she is. If he doesn't practice safe sex she's putting herself at great risk for STDs.
She needs counseling and I don't think you have the ability to help her make choices. Calling you 20 times a day doesn't seem to be getting anything accomplished. She's frustrated and angry because things didn't work out they way she thought they would. She isn't the first woman who's tried to get a man by getting pregnant. Occasionally the man will marry the woman but the relationship usually proves a failure and the one who suffers the most is the child. Your friend has a lot of growing up to do and adding an innocent child into the mix isn't going to make it better. He doesn't want that child and why have a child who's going to grow up knowing his/her father wants nothing to do with them? I wonder how many other unwanted children he has?
Motherhood doesn't sound like an ideal situation for her either. It's very demanding and she'll come to realize how much so when she's sitting at home with a colicky baby who won't let her sleep more than two hours a day. Nothing like dirty nappies to knock all the romance out of your dreams. No more dating, no more free time to go and do what she wants with her friends, no more pretty clothes and fine things because the money will have to go toward the baby's needs. Plus often men aren't willing to get involved with another man's child. Not all men but many have that attitude.
Help her get some counseling as quickly as you can. She needs to make a decision before the pregnancy gets too far gone for a legal termination.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I think you were right to tell her she should pack up and leave and now that she is going to have a baby and he doesn't want it should tell her for sure that he really does not want her in his life.It's great that you are helping her through this but if she doesn't take you advise there isn't much you can do but just listen and you should get her thinking about the baby she is carrying she needs to think what she wants for herself as well as the child
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reader, DrPsych  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 It is a tragic situation and sadly trying to control someone never works as she is finding out. It doesn't exactly sound like he is Mr Nice Guy anyway so she won't have much to lose. As her friend, all you can do is support her but the pregnancy decision and the relationship decision must be her own. There is a danger that if you give her some strong views (e.g. abortion) and she accepts them, she may regret it later and blame you. Of course it won't be your fault she is in a mess but people who are vulnerable sometimes prefer to blame others than themselves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I think you should be totally honest with her about what you think of her situation and how you feel about it...don't hold back, you are grounded in reality, you have a sense of right and wrong and you have values, this is what you bring to the table in your relationship with her, so don't hold back now that she has done something so self destructive and stupid....tell it like it is, suggest she terminate the pregnancy, get some counseling on why at the tender age of 19 she is trying to trap some guy by getting pregnant, it is the most pathetic thing she could do.What has made her so narcissistic that she would use having a child as a pawn. It is her unborn child who is going to pay for her mistake....it is the kid that is going to be born to a mother who can't possibly provide anything but the most basic things in life, diapers and food stamps, forget about a great education or a stable home life, that kid doesn't have much of a chance, kids having kids is a huge problem in the states....and we need more kids like you with a head on their shoulders telling it like it really is....you would be less of a friend to do otherwise.
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reader, Artemesian  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Wow, what a situation. But really you are a great friend, it's obvious you really care about her and want to help. I think there is a lot to be said for tough love when it comes to drastic situations - she needs sound advice that is best for her wellbeing. If she isn't in a position to have a child by herself and support it and be a good mum - then having a child is obviously not right like you say. Maybe she would feel like having an abortion is doing what her ex wants and thus might want to rebel...maybe not, but if that is the case maybe you could find a family planning clinic nearby and take her to it? They can provide her with facts she can't argue with as just opinions or mean things said to her. I really think you're on the right track already - you've got a pure heart wanting what's best for your friend so tell her that, give her emotional support even if it drags you down. Once this is over (I really hope she gets the right advice and gets an abortion...having a baby and giving it away would really be traumatic) she will know what a good friend you have been to her and will be forever grateful to be lucky enough to have such a good friend! As for the boyfriend... I wouldn't waste any more effort at all on such a person, even if she is still attached to him. Replace him in her life and be there for her as he should have been. Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk more about this as I'd love to help in any way at all even if its just emotional offloading! : )
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