A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all...I am a 40yo guy and have met a wonderful woman 35yo. At the moment though, her and I live in different states and I am planning to move soon so we can be together. We are already talking commitment/marriage and kiddies which is just great! I am really looking forward to that next step in our lives.The problem that I have is that she goes out with her male friends. She doesn't go out with them in a group of people, she goes out with them one-on-one to the movies, shopping, coffee, dinner, to their place etc. She says they are just friends and I do understand that and I do trust her that she wont do anything.My problem is that I am jealous of her going out with these other guy friends. I have told her that I am jealous when she does go out with them ... and she has admitted to me that if the shoe was on the other foot, she too would feel jealous.Even though she understands my jealousy and says its a natural reaction ,she has said to me "do you expect me to just drop my male friends and forget about them?" ... I said "no, but dont go out one-on-one with them ... rather go out with them in a group of friends or invite them to your place for coffee" (at the moment she lives with her brother and mother).To me, there is a level of intimacy that is implied or perceived when a man and a woman go out together one-on-one. Understanding or feeling this, if I was single, I would never ask any of my female friends that are in marriages or in serious relationships to go out with me, because I understand that the implied or perceived level of intimacy would make the husband/boyfriend uncomfortable or jealous. That is just not right to me! To me there are boundries which attached or married people should not cross. Why would I want to make him feel like that .... certainly I don't want to be made to feel like that either.Also, now that I am in a serious relationship, I understand that I am not "single" anymore so therefore my actions and behaviour should change to reflect that ... it doesn't mean that I will drop my female friends never to be seen again, but rather to adjust my behaviour so the signals that I send "out there" are clear. In other words, if I wanted to catch up with an old female friend given my current attached status, I would invite her out with her boyfriend and/or my girlfriend being present ... or other friends or family so there is no blurring of the lines and that people understand that I am commited to my girlfriend and that I am sensitive enough to her feelings to make her feel comfortable with my friendship with my old female friends.Does any of this make sense??? your comments please?Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): I feel that when we are young and single, we feel as though we have total rights in this world and that we can do whatever we please without much regard for what anyone else thinks. We get to draw our boundries wherever we want and to hell with the consequences and to hell with what other people think.
However, as we get older and (hopefully) wiser, we learn that in society and in peoples lives that we share, it actually does matter what people think to a degree and we learn, particularly that when we start to talk about serious relationships and perhaps starting a family unit, the boundaries in our lives and the look and feel of our other relationships in our lives WILL change, particularly when babies are born.
I have seen it with my very good 4 or 5 male friends whom I went to high school with. All of them have grown into fine men and most of them have a family now. In the process of them deveolping as men in serious relationships/marriages where children are now present, their "single life antics" have reduced drastically and certainly none of them go out with their old female friends in a one-on-one situation to the movies or to catch up for a coffee. All of them are strong minded men but all of them realise the importance of sending out the right signals and re-drawing the boundries in order to protect the family unit and make it the number one priority in their lives.
People who can't or don't understand this concept are still acting like a single person and are too selfish or naive or maybe too scared to enter this next phase in their life. They are so caught up on the "...I have the RIGHT to do whatever I want ... " concept .... what they fail to realise is that there are consequences too!
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 It makes sense to me and is something you should figure out as a couple. At the same time you can not tell her to drop her friends. I think you won't have to worry about this when you're living together but while you're apart, it is a little more understandable.
What you're telling her by dictating what she can do is this....I feel disrespected when you go out with other men. I feel like you and the other man are minimizing my role as your partner. I also don't trust you in a private situation with another man. This is the truth too. If you did trust her completely you would never worry. Right?
The truth is that you're a realist, as am I. Things can happen and do happen all the time. You want to minimize the possibilities and that's understandable. You can not force her to anything though as she'll resent you for it. You need to come to a understanding of what the boundaries are in the relationship.
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