A
male
age
30-35,
*ust20andConfused
writes:Ok so I'm 20 and she's 18, gonna be 19. When we met, I was 19, pretty confident, waned to go places and do things. She was still in High school, 18 years old in December.. Pretty much we met each other randomly. I'd not lost my vigrginity till a month before I met her with an ex. Reason I decided to lose it is because it seemed every girl I liked. or ended up liking wasnt a virgin and I was saving myself for no reason. I didnt wanna be with someone and be hurt by their past. I lost it with an older girl who fought with me a ot when we were together. Anyway, so I start talking to this girl a bit on myspace (dont judge yet, I always hated myspace relationship, like how they start their) because she added me saying she thought I looked familiar. Well we lived close as heck and I guess she had seen me. Well anyway we started to talk and I really liked the kind of girl she was. Looked kind of quiet and really naturally pretty. And I went to her work one November 4th with some movies and a blanket (because I offered them to keep her entertained and the blanket was to be warm), It was such a idk OUT THERE move! And like when I got there she got real nervous and started pressing random buttons on her register (she worked at a small 99 cents store over the holidays) and I was suuper nervous too! So we ended up talking and like our first date ALONE with her parents permission was to disney land because I had a pass and i told her she could get in for free. It was good. At first we still walked kind of far apart and stuff cause we hadnt established that connection. Around sunset we ended up finally holding hands and I kissed her that night while we waited for a ride. It happened so perfectly guy.. Like we were talking and she came close and i looked down as she looked up and our lips met. gently. It was the happiest I'd ever felt. And this girl was sooo into me!!! Like wow.. We fell in love and for the first 6 months i'm gonna honestly say she was suuper wrapped up in me. Like wow I loved her but she was like soo happy with me! And then something happened. On the day after her graduation, we were watching a movie, she was texting (RARE) and i looked over cause my ohone beeped thinking it was her, and it was her ex. her first. And I got real sad cause this was sooo not like her! Like wow and so she asked me when the movie ended if I was ok. I told her what happened and she said "wanna go get ice cream?" and i said no and she said "i think we should go get ice cream" so we left her house and we went away and parked. She started to cry so I got real sad and worried and I started to cry too. She said "I have to tell you something but I just can't" which to me, were the worst words I could ever hear, EVER!!! Like this girl made me feel on cloud 9. Like y ex's didnt even compare. I was soo reserved at first. She thought I didnt like her when we first started talking. But i'm just the kind to not rush into something even if I knew it was gonna be great. Anyway so I said tell me.. You can tell me anything. And she said "I cant, I dont want you to think differently of me. That girl you met at the (store where she worked), thats me. the girl you fell in love with, thats ME" And I said baby.. you can tell me. i'll still be here with you. And she said "Dont say that...:/" and i started to ask. Did you cheat on me with him? No Did he kiss you? No. Were you talking to him while I met you? No. Do you not love me anymore? No. And my last guess (which honestly was the only one of the previous guess's i'd be able to take).. I said.. Did you have an abortion..? she nodded and started bawling. I couldnt hold back the tears, I was sooo sad!!! Like my perfect relationship just came crumbling down.. I was sooo sad!! Like why god?? why the girl I love? Why couldnt HE do that with someone else?? I was soo fucking shattered.. However (not to get into a pro choice vs pro life argument) It wasnt about the abortion. I was sad that she was so hurt. That she had that on her chest. It killed me. Thinking that another guy got her pregnant. It drove me insane with sadness and anger. I unbuckled her seat belt and she started crying harder (thinking i wanted her to get out) and i gave her a hug and held her as i could feel her chest and ribs going up and down as she cried uncontrollably. I asked her when? 2 years ago in her sophomore year. I asked her if she regretted it and she said no.. She couldnt regret it. Theres no way she could have had the baby and if she didnt do that, she'd never have met me. And I agreed and tried to make her feel better. When i took her home i dried her eyes, I held her, I kissed her, i drew pictures of our future house with us our dogs and our chidren.. I was there for her. However the experience traumatized her. talking about it after like in depth made her soo sad and so ashamed she threw away everything her parent taught her and her own beleifs. It honestly did affect us. We hardly had sex anymore. The messing around slowly stopped. I felt so insecure. Sad. hurt. I started to love her more than she loved me. not in a bad way like she stopped loving me, no. Like i got soo much closer to her. The next month and a half wee hard. I had so many questions. Wonders. Like if she was ok if she could have cancer later if we could have children etc. I was so sad. It kind of did affect us because like idk I couldnt be blindly happy anymore. Al I saw was her and her ex :(. Well anyway I ended up finding out she had snuck out her huse before, a big shock, and that messed up things for me too. Like the girl I met, she was slowly dissapearing. i still loved her. But that happy go lucky shit ended. Also my gf and I started to argue. Like when I'd feel sad or insecure she'd tell me I didnt have to think about him and stuff and she'd get mad. Also for little things. Not closing her gate. Saying typical stuff. She's very anti teenager or anti typical. So am i but i dont HATE it. And sometimes i'd say stuff messing around and it'd ruin her day. Like if I said oh thats my song and it was a song i hated by drake or idk lil kim (just naming ppl) she'd not think it was funny anymore when SHE used to do that and we'd laugh. I really cared for her. I changed bad habits. always put on my seatbelt. etc. Well she went to college and she dorms like 30 miles from me. After her first half week stay we almost broke up. she said she wasnt happy. Like she wasnt happy to see me that day. And the next day after I was teling her NO like wtf how can you just say that. I guess the whole freedom and college crap got to her. her dorm mates were sooo cool to her then. That weekend we made up and that Monday her college mates slept on her bed and moved crap around. pretty much she hates them. well one of them. Well lately she's been sick and I've had doubts about us since she almost broke uo with me and it was hard getting her to be happy these past 2 weeks. Shhe has no energy. she's never ready on time for me. She didnt wanna go OUT. So thursday i saw her and it was good. It was nice, Friday as I was gonna go over she txt me saying "i feel like at such a loss of energy. Like sad, uncontent, indecisive" And I said baby dont say that... i can tell but blah blah blah pretty much she just isnt feeling better and I said just i hope you feel back to normal soon. And she said "idk if i ever will" and pretty much she said she wasnt in love with me anymore The past two weeks she had to TRY and be happy. And she doesnt remember what its like to wanna see me, to be happy, to wanna kiss me etc. Like those things lost their meaning. When I txt her today, she seems very cold. Like so short and just idk. My ex is suuper stubborn and idk whether to give up or what. I know she's mad right now and her thoughts are always corrupted when she's mad. IDK.. I lost my best friend.. And I accepted soo much about her.. Like i dont understand how this happens over night with no warning signs. I'm so crushed.. What do I do??? I'l add any details you need. I miss her.. :'(
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): If you have lost her then you must get on with your life, and treasure her as a special memory. However first there are some things to consider, and some things you can do. Your girl confided what must have been a huge burden on her. She felt safe telling you, and for her to trust you with that was a big compliment. Try to convey your love and acceptance of her. And make sure she goes on the contraceptive pill, whether she stays with you or not. Demonstrate that you care, in a way her ex did not. Or another pregnancy will happen. Let her know you still love and care for her, if you do. And if she really has fallen out of love with her do write her a very loving letter, with no blame, no judgement, no recriminations of all the wonderful times you enjoyed with her, and all the things you loved about her. And that you are happy to be 'there for her' if ever she changes her mind. Because it is clear that you had a good connection. Hand the letter to her, to ensure she really gets it, but let her make the next move, if and when she is ready. I think the big guilt millstone around your gf's neck is what is really hurting her right now. She is not a failure/bad girl, she is not a lesser woman because of the abortion. She may even be suffering depression from all that has happened. I have never had an abortion, however i see no need for the ''Big Guilt'' job that people attach to it. Believe me, most of that crap guilt stuff is pure BS. I am aware of a relative who, when aged 18, then 19 and then at 22, had 3 abortions (obviously disorganised about contraception) followed by 3 healthy sons few years later, after she married. Her big sister accompanied her to each aborton, that's how it all came out, but when it did all get revealed she was not bothered in the least, so the family just accepted that it happened, with no guilt. And she is now 50 and has grandchildren and she is still fit and healthy, despite also smoking.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 It sounds like depression. I think she may need professional help. Get through this with her, even though she may act as though she does not want you right now, inside she might still feel something strong. Just be there for her as a friend from now on until she gets through this. It was not what you did wrong, she was merely reminded of the past and her thoughts fell further and further downwards towards a twisted place she calls a sanctum. I am afraid that aside from being her friend, there is little else you can do. This is HER depression to fight, no matter how she chooses to fight it. Offer to talk to her and let her know that you will still be there for her.
I hope that helps.
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