A
male
age
30-35,
*urch
writes:So I dated this girl for about 2 months and we both liked each other a lot. After getting back from a trip she calls me and breaks up with me. She didn't say why. We've been separated for about 3 or 4 months now and I've realized that I really want her back. We haven't really talked since the break up. There was one pretty-long chat we had over the computer a while ago where we were actually just talking like normal;making jokes and everything, acting like nothing really happened. But that's the only conversation that we've had. We go to school together and whenever we see each other it just gets a little awkward and I hate that. So, I've really committed myself to getting back with her. I know that I have to be happy and let her know that I'm ok with the break up. And I know I have to talk to her but I'm just wondering if anybody has some real advice for me because I feel like I'm facing something bigger than me and I can't do it myself. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (26 December 2009):
 Hi Love
Thats what Im here for sweetheart :) Im glad you have mannaged to sort things out..Its so hard when you like someone and they know this and really take the piss...You are better of waiting for a decent young woman with respect and a little more mature..Like I said to my friend who was deeply hurt by this as the girl that he met asked him out he got all ready and phned her at the time she said and then had her and all her friends laughing at him..That is just plain cruel, And unfortunatly these kind of young women give the kind caring girls a hard time as some young men get very hurt by this and feel unable to aproach other women..As I told my friend not all girls are the same and its just as well u found out when u did hun..You are def worth more than this silly crap :):):):)xxxxxxx
A
male
reader, Murch +, writes (22 December 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mandy. Things have kind of changed since I wrote that; a few more things have happened and I was made aware of some things that happened a long time ago. So, I've decided to just let it go, and it was actually a very easy decision. It was easy to get over her quickly after finding out about some things. So, thank you very much for helping me through this. I really appreciate it.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (22 December 2009):
Hi Hun
Id forget about this one sweetheart, Not that long ago a young friend of mine thought he had a date with a lovely young girl she just took the piss with her mates and by the sounds of things this young woman is doing the same..Let it go
You are certainly worth more than this type of daft behaviour, If she is interested in you hun then let her show you stop trying so hard..I have never understood why its so bloody funny to do this kind of thing even at that age I never behaved like that. You take care and move forward with love MANDY XX
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Ok Girls are retarded at this age.The change their minds like they change clothes.Usually guys get dumped for another guy 99.9% of the time.
They are sneaky about it you would never know.Definitly don't call her often.If her interested level isn't 80% or more you are wasting your time.
If you want her back you have to find a really hot girl to go out with you.This is called social proof.She will gain interest quickly.
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male
reader, Murch +, writes (13 December 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I thought I would update you guys on a few things that I'm having trouble with. I have made some contact with her. It's definitely more contact then before, but its still awkward and we've only said brief words to each other in a group setting. We did have a longish conversation over the internet, but its not exactly a break through.
But anyways, I'll get to thing thing that's really bothering me. Last weekend she had a birthday party and she and her friends got drunk. She called me and they tried to prank call me. She was pretending to be some other girl, and she was talking about how sexy I sound and asking what I looked like and things like that. Anyways, I guess I just need help figuring out if this means she still cares about me or if she cares about me so little that she wanted to embarrass me.
I should also probably say that she doesn't actually have my number because she got her phone after the breakup and usually one doesn't go around asking for their ex-boyfriends number, but she must have gotten it from a mutual friend who I now was there. Which means that it may not have even been her idea to call me.
And finally, I should mention that she was pretending to be a girl named Genny. Two nights before this birthday party there was a school dance. I went, so did she. And one of my friends introduced me to a friend of theirs named Genny, who I was kind of flirting with. She had a boyfriend, but my ex didn't have a way of knowing that, if she noticed us talking at all that is. But, me, my friend and Genny did go out to eat after the dance. And maybe I'm over-thinking this whole thing, or maybe its just a big coincidence. But, it seems possible that she felt jealous.
So, anyways. Any kind of input would be really helpful. And thanks for caring.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (19 November 2009):
no probs chick anytime, Im still running away lol!!!!! u Take it easy :)
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male
reader, Murch +, writes (19 November 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks alot for writing Pepper,
I do think making friends first is the best way to do it because that's how we started the first time. Although, I kind of worry that she could think that some of the ways I go about this are too much like last time. I want to somehow let her know that it would be different, which sounds really cliche.
But anyways... I do agrre that becoming friends again is the best way to do it and I know it'll take time, but I'm patient.
I don't think she's much like you in the ways that you mentioned lol. She was actually pretty enthusiastic about dating and kissing, just not in public, which I didn't catch onto for a while.
Thank you very much for writing. I appreciate it a lot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): You move on. If you have neglected any hobbies in the pursuit of this girl, pick them up again. You might be able to start up a new relationship later, you might not want to, but you're not going to get the old one back.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (19 November 2009):
Hi Hunny
I agree with Tisha, You sound very grounded for your age and thats a compliment hunny as Its hard being a Teenager these days...
I have 2 sons and have watch with amusement and horror at times about the way they go about certain things in life, But they have to learn for themselves I can only advise...
Have you thought about making a friend of this young lady without any hopes as Tisha said you are both very young and when you are young so many things can change a persons mind when they are starting to date..I was a very jumpy dater, Id be asked out Id be excited Id go and then I wouldnt want to be there. So many different thought were pounding through my head at that age...When I think back I wasnt ready but I wanted to be if ya get me..
I really didnt like the pressure of someone wanting to kiss me It scared me at that age and I used to think "oh god he is going to try and kiss me" Id go running scared, I was happy in the company I just did not like any pressure..If you want to try with this young lady then hunny be patient try the friendship approach, Let her get to know you and learn to trust you, If she can do this then there may be a chance love..I wish you luck TAKE CARE OF U WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXX
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male
reader, Murch +, writes (18 November 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Tisha
I'm really happy that someone thinks I have somewhat of a good attitude and handle on this. It's very reassuring. I do kind of fear that she might just want to move on or be "free", but I think it's really worth a try.
lol. I'll try to think of some horrifying things about myself that may have pushed her away.
I really appreciate both of your advice. You've both been very helpful and kind and I can't thank you enough. I'll try to update you if anything worth mentioning happens, but I doubt that will be for some time.
Thank you very much.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 November 2009):
 You sound like you have a good attitude and a good handle on what you need to do. Let me just add one thing, I want you to understand that at your age, there's a lot of growing up still to do. She may be immature and just not want to be in a relationship that is steady. There's something unappealing about being accountable to another person, especially if you are not head over heels for him. So she may just like her freedom.
Also, keep in mind that teenage girls (and boys too) can be very shallow. I broke up with a very nice guy when I was in high school, his name was Paul, we had a couple of dates, he was an honor student, a star athlete, a really nice guy, he was every parent's dream date. Things were going well for us until one day I looked at him in profile. He looked like a turtle. He had a slightly protuding hooked nose--just a bit--and his posture was a little slouchy, like he rounded his back and his neck didn't go straight up, it angled forward. I thought "turtle" and any spark of interest I had in him died at that moment. I couldn't possibly tell him that that was the reason I broke up with him. He probably never found out why, I'm sure I puzzled him just as this girl is puzzling you. And I hang my head in shame at how shallow and superficial I was not to be able to get past his turtle-looks. Everything else about him was great. I just didn't fancy him, as the British say.
I'm sure that's happened to me, a guy might have been interested, but then my big nose or my thick ankles might have put him off. Or the perfume I wear turned him off. Who knows? It's all very dicey, this attraction stuff. It's amazing when both people feel the same level of interest in each other.
So, enough rambling. Good luck in your quest.
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male
reader, Murch +, writes (16 November 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha and Kapiti, Tisha, I see your point that you can have a good conversation with someone without it being romantic. And when we did talk it was kind of friend-ish talk, but in that there was also a lot of more-than-friends talk. I won't go into details obviously. I do think she is influenced by her friends and I actually have kind of a theory that her best friend had something to do with our break up, which sounds like some conspiracy theory, but I have mild evidence to back it up. I feel like I've already, inadvertently began to make her friends find me more attractive. Actually, her best friend has been talking to me quite a bit recently and kind of seems interested, but I'm not interested in the least. I do like the idea of going out with other girls just to kind of practice. Although there is a tiny problem with that; I live in a very small town and there aren't many girls who aren't already dating somebody,and of the ones who aren't very many who I would even want to spend time with. But, I do like the idea, and if possible I think I'll try it.I'm not quite sure how to market the things she liked about me. I remember she said I was smart, handsome, witty, funny and had nice eyes. That's all I remember. I think funny is pretty easy to show to her; just talk to her and be funny I guess. I'm not sure if that alone would sway her but...Thanks a lot for answering Tisha, and I hope she isn't done with me like you would be. lolKapiti, thank you for writing again, your probably getting bored at this point. I'm not sure about the whole note sending thing. I'm pretty good at organizing my thoughts, even under pressure and I think if I talked to her in person or at the very least instant messaging it would be better. I think if I kid of blurt out my feelings that would scare her away. I think if I just talk to her and kind of see where her head is at I can go from there. But that does require me to talk to her which I still have yet to accomplish. I'm hoping to kind of join in when shes in a group of mutual friends. At least to break the ice and try to get passed the awkwardness.
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female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 Ha, I don't see you as a crazy idiot on the internet! You just have a problem that you're trying to fix, and you're going the right way asking for advice instead of jumping right in head first. You're right, we don't know her, we're just going from what you've told us about her. I really think you need to talk to her directly and go from there, it's all too easy to speculate about what she might be feeling, but we could do that forever and still not get anywhere. Why don't you right her a note detailing your feelings (as you say she's quite shy and perhaps a face to face meeting might embarrass her) and see where that gets you? It's a lot easier to get a structured point across and less likely you'll say something you'll regret later!Again, hope this helps. AKPs, the previous poster has some very worthy points, and I hope we can hear a happy conclusion to your problem very soon!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 November 2009):
This kind of relationship fracture is really difficult to put back together again. She's basically decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with you and seems fine with that.
It's difficult to know what's going on inside her head to see if we can help you come up with a strategy to get you back. What she told you the reason for the breakup was may be nothing to do with the real reason--if she even knows why she broke up with you.
I think you can have lots to talk about but not have the same idea as to how the relationship time is spent. So she didn't like that you never took her out and were all over her (I'm exaggerating for effect). She enjoyed your discussions but not your company, if that makes any sense. I have lots of friends I enjoy talking with but I wouldn't look at them as a romantic possibility.
So you need to figure out if you want to change yourself that much just to get her back. That's not going to be easy to do, to restrain your natural self all the time, in order to meet her standards. That's IF you can manage to get her back. One thing at a time.
First of all, you need to get back to be able to talk to her without awkwardness. You're now off the list of dateable guys, and you have to get back on hers. I think one way to do it is to be attractive to other girls. If she's young and still maturing, she may be very influenced by her friends, and if her friends perceive you as 'hot' and dateable, she's more likely to as well. That's if she's influenced easily by her friends. If she's not, that won't help much.
I think you should ask other girls out on dates--not to become a couple, just go out and spend time together. You're not trying to kiss them and all that, okay? Get to know them as people and find out what they like. Learn to talk to them about what interests them, this will help you when you talk to her.
Doing things like writing notes and sending flowers is probably a bad idea; if she's off you, that's just going to push her further away.
What did she like about you in the first place? What are your strengths, the things she admired about you? Think about those things and make sure she sees them in you when you encounter her. If you're an athlete, have your gym bag with you, things like that.
Don't talk to her about the break up or why you broke up and what you're going to do to change it. Just change, if you really think you're willing to do so to be with her.
That's a start, this is going to be a process and may not work at all. At her age, I never gave an ex a chance again. Once I was done, I was done, if he wanted me back, too bad. I could be nice to them, but I wasn't interested anymore. This may be what happened to her with you.
Hope this helps!
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male
reader, Murch +, writes (15 November 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to pressure her into anything. I just feel like at this point I don't really know if she likes me or not, and all I really want to do is find that out and work from there. She hasn't initiated contact. That's true. But, if you knew her that isn't really a sign of much. She's just a fairly shy person, and she actually doesn't initiate anything major with anyone. And I know your not trying to be harsh. Thank you for that. I know your just trying to reason with some crazy idiot over the internet.
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female
reader, Another_Kapiti +, writes (15 November 2009):
I hear what you're saying. You really want this to work out, and I'm thinking she doesnt. The more you pressure her into coming back, the worse it will be for you! You'll never really know how she feels unless you ask her directly. Because she hasn't initiated contact with you, I'd say she doesn't want to encourage you into thinking that she wants to date you again. I'm not trying to be harsh, but that's how it comes across.
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male
reader, Murch +, writes (15 November 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you're right about her trying to let me down easy, but that was a long time ago and I just feel like she could have the feelings she had before. I really want to do this. It just feels right. I just don't know how to do it.
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female
reader, Another_Kapiti +, writes (15 November 2009):
From what you said in your answer, I'd say she's trying to let you down easy. She doesn't want to go out again and is trying to give you reasons why. Don't over-analyse the situation, just be her friend for now and if something is supposed to happen, it will. Just concentrate on you for now.
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reader, Murch +, writes (15 November 2009):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I forgot to add: I have had a lot of time to think about things and I have talked to people and I'm pretty sure I identified why we broke up. I didn't take her out, just the two of us enough and I kissed her a lot when she didn't really like PDA's. I think those are pretty easy things to fix. I'm 99.9% sure there is no other guy. There was one thing. When she actually broke up with me she told me it was because she was too busy which even at the time I knew wasn't true. She is a very busy person with sports and family and stuff, but she always found time for friends and me. Also, weeks after our breakup there was mention that it was because we were too different; had nothing in common. Which I know isn't true because we had a lot in common; we could talk for hours.
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female
reader, Another_Kapiti +, writes (15 November 2009):
While I wouldn't usually advise talking behinds anyone's back, I think the thing for you to do would be to talk to any mutual friends you might share and see why this girl broke up with you in the first place. It's scary enough facing someone you care about when one person feel more strongly than the other (as far as you know) and rejection might be on the cards, so instead of confronting her directly, get some background info first. If you find out for instance, she broke up with you because she met someone else, it would be time to just bide your time and treat her like a friend, if something is meant to happen, it will. No sense rushing something because of bad timing (and possibly shooting yourself in the foot because you rushed something she needs time to process herself) hope this helps a little. Good luck!
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