A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. It was my first real relationship, even she had relations befor with both girls and boys. Actually first with boys and then girls in which she decided that she is a lesbian. Before, we had some problems because I didn't have any relation, so sometimes I was a bit confused if I want to be with somebody else, if I should ever try some other relations and sometimes she said to me ok, go and live, try. once I have not exactly sex but some kind with a boy but I was really drunk to conrol myself, it was on holiday time, I was with a friend seaside, before I left my girlfriend again said to me for I have one chance to try it, just one may be but one. With that boy, I did not like it a lot, but because I was drunk and a bit curious about boys, we did something, actually he did but sex as you think. When I came to myself I felt very guilty, and worried, I send a message what I did, how I feel, and say sory, we talked a lot about it, she get really upset. Me also to make her feel like that.We also had problems in time about me again, if I like anybody else or not. But actually I loved her, but sometimes my mind get a bit confused. But I try not to let her upset.These two months we were not happy, we had so many argues, in a week hafl of it we were not talking and the other we were ok. so two weeks ago she said to me let's have a break. But we needed to talk more on it I guess in my mind. Also we live together so everyday we see each other. we were making jokes like my dear friend etc. so I didn't take it seriously as we break up. on friday or thursday, she wrote me darling on I think internet, and I said "darling?" and she said I feel like that.The same weekend, we, like 9 friend including my girlfriend went to seaside. at that weekend, she was not so close to me, even I go near her, hug, kiss her. After we return, at the bed we together, she said I make sex with a girl there. And I feel very very upset, I leave the bed and room, I went my room. And then I feel really bad, I cried a lot. Then we talked, she said "I don't feel repend, guilty, but If I had known that u feel such upset I wouldn't do that. We were on a break what did u think to happen etc. I didn't feel your love for 2 months nearly." But I feel that I was cheated, also it is too hard for me to think her to love another body, being so close and feeling passion for another person. I thought that a break for a relationship means also that you make your self a bit alone ot without the other person to think, make ur mind, to decide what are the problems, what can be done, if u want to go on or not. It is not making sex in the firs chance u find. It will make everything worse. And even we didn't talk that ok we make break so we can be with other people.so now I don't know what to do..she doesn't want me to separate the house and me to leave her, house, because she said if I go, I will not return her any more and she wants to be with me in her life, she can not think to share the life with anybody else except me. But she wants a real break and also wants to be with other people, which I said I can not tolerate it. So what do you advice me? first time I couldn't even think of how I will make sex with her after all, because it is really to speacial for me, to personal..but this weekend we actualy had sex for some times..and I see that I can but I feel that it is not same like before but may be because it is too close as date..I also try to see my value and if she wants me as a sex partner if she finds me sexy, because u see u feel a bit down, you loose your self confident.I really need to see your view, your ideas, advices..Thank you very much for even reading this really long story.
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a break, drunk, lesbian, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (2 March 2011):
Hi there. When people think they might be gay, it could come as somewhat of a shock to them.
There could be an identity crisis looming, wondering where your sexuality really lies and who you really are. It could be a challenge, I'm sure.
It's possible that both of you are not really sure which you are - gay, bi-sexual or straight!
Because of this, there is certainly some doubt for both of you at the moment.
It all really comes down to what makes you happy.
A break from each other, does sound like a good idea right now. This will give you both time to figure out what it is you really want from life.
The problem might not be about sexual orientation at all, but more a case of what you both want from life generally.
If you can work out how you'd like your life to be be, interests, hobbies, friendships, work etc., then you can go on to think about what you want from a romantic relationship in future.
Perhaps even, your actual relationship with each other is not as good as you would really like it to be.
In any case, you will only really know how you do feel about each other, by having some time out. Perhaps a month or two.
Sometimes it's only possible to really know how you do feel about someone, when you are NOT with them. You know if you miss them (or not), the type of thoughts you have about them when they are not with you, the feelings you have - positive or negative - how you feel about how you relate to each other. Whether you feel you are treated with kindness, dignity and respect always. Whether you feel taken for granted, disrespected, mistreated or abused even.
These are all important things to consider.
If you are not living together, well then you would be having thoughts about each other whenever you don't see each other. If on the other hand, you do live together, well you are not going to have the time to have those thoughts.
So an absence from each other is the answer. Just suggest a break for a while - say 2 months - and see how you feel about her during that time. But there must be NO CONTACT with each other at all - a complete, clean break. Otherwise it defeats the purpose of having the break.
In the 2 months break, just go out and about living your life and having fun, working etc., meet people (male and female), and just make friends. In short, start enjoying life - unattached and free.
Life is too short. Don't stay in this seemingly toxic situation one moment longer than you have to. It's not worth it. It seems to be making you unhappy.
Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 oh gosh.thats a bit too much for both of you. You both need a break till you both decide what you want
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