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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 26 year old male who has been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just over four years. When we entered this relationship she was physical and sexual, but shortly after the official commitment, the sexual activity dropped. I love her, I spend almost all of my free time with her, I communicate well with her, but this one area is a void. Every time I try to bring it up she gets upset. I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if she doesn't like sex as much as she had claimed. I think she used passion as a tool in the begining of our relationship, but now I am missing out on an intimate part of our relationship that I really wish to have. I am not a cheater, a beater or neglectful. I am neglected, and I want the love I deserve. I feel decieved and alone. What should I do, when she doesn't even want to talk about it? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): I am in the same boat as you.. It started off like a dream,passion, love, intensity, and want..Where did it go? I ask for attention and she gets angry, stating is that all you want. She than storms off, conviently! My sex relaionship at the start was honestly worth bragging about. How could it change so much, why does she make me feel like their is something wrong with the way I act. We went from 2 to 3 hours to "just put it in"! I can t take it anymore. I am lonely and sad!
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male
reader, jared +, writes (5 June 2006):
know what u are going through. ive been involved w/ my g/f for little under 5yrs now. sex in the beginning was like atleast 1-2times daily. now, im lucky to recieve 1-2 times a week. she claimed (in the beginning) that she was this big sex freak, but now, not so sure.
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A
male
reader, Dr T  +, writes (2 June 2006):
dude! its the tough question time. If she will not even discuss this with you how the hell are you going to fix it?Its a fact that men feel more loved and secure in a relationship when the bond between you is express as sex. Get her to a counsellor, if she wont go then she is shutting you off from enjoying one of lifes great joys.Ask yourself: you give a lot in this relationship and Im sure she gives a lot back but if your missing a major part is it really a good match?Its ultimatum time amigo. There are a lot of great women out there who love sex as much, or if not more than men do. Think about it man - best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (1 June 2006):
 It's not uncommon for the level of sex to drop once the relationship ages and people feel more comfortable with each other.
However, the fact that there seems to be such a big gap between what you want and what she wants in the bedroom is a concern and I can understand how you are feeling a bit neglected and alone.
It is also a concern that she gets so upset about it when you try and talk to her. It is obviously something that she is quite sensitive about - are there any things in her past which may be causing this? Ie. bad experiences in other relationships? Or could there be a medical thing, a hormonal thing which has reduced her sex drive?
It also depends on how you are bringing it up - like what places and how you say it. I would like to know how you have been approaching the subject - maybe there are some different ways to word it which will make her feel more comfortable about it.
I think, like what Wendyg said, that it might be worth taking some small steps to get her into the mood and feeling more comfortable - romantic things that don't necessarilly have to end in sex - candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, a weekend away, baths, massages, love letters, leaving notes in her handbag telling her you love her, cook dinner for her, surprise her with a single red rose or some nice chocolates etc etc etc.
Maybe you need to help rebuild some of the romance and passion that was there early on in the relationship for the physical stuff to start up again.
At the end of the day, it sounds like you really love your partner and you want to do the right thing by her but you have needs too and it doesn't help if when you approach her with those needs, she shuts down. Imagine how she would feel if she had a problem and every time she spoke to you about it, you got really angry and refused to talk about it.
Something needs to be done here so I would try some of the actions I suggested but it is something that needs to be talked about so maybe there is another way to approach it?
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 I know how hard this can be I had issues like that myself previously, I was more keen than my partner surprisingly, but somehow we just found a way by being intimate in other ways that eventually led to us getting back on the right track. its hardwork when one wants to and the other doesnt and that your sex drives dont match. You love her right ? So is not having sex going to stop you loving her ? Im not just jumping in, but you gotta figure out what is more important to you.. the sex or her ? Yes its hard and you should really try and find some middle ground. It seems that whilst you were once so sexually compatible your not now, did something happen to change that ? Has she had a bad experience in the past that shes afraid to tell you ? You say she gets upset everytime you mention it, well its tough but you gotta try and talk openly and honestly to her, tell her how you are feeling and that all that you want is to get back the lovemaking. Explain that its not about the sex, but the fact that you love her and you want to express this by lovemaking. Try and found out if there is a reason that she doesnt want to have sex,But the hard thing also is, the more you mention it the more likely you are to be back at stage one, so pick a moment to chat and get it all off your chest and leave it at that for a while, try not to bring it up for a while and see if she can digest what you have said and will maybe come round abit. Maybe try and be intimate on different levels for a while and take it a step at a time. Just little things like preparing a bath for her with candles and the like and joining her, not to have sex but be together in the moment and chat etc.. let her know that its not just the sex, but intimacy that you are craving. Maybe spring a massage on her, again not ending in sex, something to make her feel special. Taker her out for dinner as a surprise in the spur of the moment something along those lines. Do these things a few times without the sex part and see how things go. See if you can gradually build an intimate base and slowly rebuild your sex life around it. Most importantly, despite the fact shes not wanting sex, make her feel like the most special person in the world, and be loving and caring and hopefully she will at least open up.
I wish you the best of luck.
Take Care
x
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Sadly when we meet someone we act differently to how we really are, this is because in the initial stages we want to impress and it is all new, we can and do have sex a lot more at the start than we do when we are "in the relationship" at first you want to have sex all the time and this is a part of exploration and bonding.
Sadly this can tail off when we get to know are partner better and feel comfortable with them and secure, this is not true of everyone but is true of lots of relationships.
It is unfortunate that for you that the sex you had in the beggining is not what you have today, you need to discuss this with your partner as sex is a big part of the relationship and both parties have to reach a comfortable compromise where the quantity of sex is an issue, also you need to remember that sexual intamacy although important is not the whold of the relaltionship and you can be intimate in other ways.
Talk it through and be honest and if you cannot agree then you really need to look again at your relationship and if you are so compatable.
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