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*enizen
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years. She is 19 years younger than me. I am a young 65. During this time she has lived with me at my flat although she has her own cottage in a nearby town.Recently she has talked about, 'Getting her "old self" back'. I ask what will do this? Does she want to live back at her own house? Does she want to live there part-time? What?Obviously I want whatever is best for her, but I sometimes feel I am providing accommodation, and the rest, but I don't have the option to go to my bolt hole whenever I want. It feels like I may be becoming a convenience. Her house needs doing up, and mine is clean and tidy. I provide support, love, understanding. She doesn't want to give that up, but doesn't want to fully commit either.I ask myself if the writing is on the wall for our relationship. It isn't the knowing - it's the not knowing. That's true isn't it. I don't think she is dishonest I genuinely believe she doesn't know what she wants. In some ways she is like a child who still believes in some fantasy future that was promised when she was a tiny tot.What can I give her to satisfy this unfulfilled need? I think something is stopping her growing up. Perhaps it is the way her parent brought her up.To be honest I think she is most like her true self when she isn't thinking about it.Your comments and observations are appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 February 2014):
Denizen is verified as being by the original poster of the question The relationship has been going nicely for three years.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 September 2013):
 I think most people in relationships these days wish to retain some independance. That can range from:
Owning and keeping their own home
Having a job and keeping finances seperate
Having separate friends
Taking separate vacation
Having spearate hobbies and interests and pursuing them alone.
Thats all well and good but if one person is financially committed more than the other, this can breed resentment. It sounds as if you would like her to contribute more to the finances because she is, afterall, living under your roof for the mostpart and it's not unreasonable to ask her to contribute.
She may use the excuse that she has her own bills to pay at her place, but if she is showering/eating/using electrical items at yours...she pushing up your bills and not paying for them!! This would bug me if someone was doing this to me and if they siad it was because they wanted to maintain their independence then I'd see that as a crock!!
She won't marry you, wont spend time at her own place and yet she wont help out with the bills!!...someones getting taken for advantage here!!
I suspect the 'problems' are a bit of a smoke screen so she can manipulate and get her own way. It's all well and good having problems, but if you know they are affecting other people and you won't deal with them, then its not a very fair way to carry on.
I cannot help but have issue with age gap relationships, because I always think of the person left to a lonely life in their late 50's and early 60's when their much older partner has died (and it's much harder for an older woman to find a new relationship at those ages), but I guess that is the path you choose and the price you pay. I see young women in their 20's dating and marrying guys in their 50's and I think 'Where will you be honey, in years to come when he's passed on and you are alone?' (my own personal view and not one shared by many others I admit)
Maybe you should just accept that she's going to be a permanent tourist in your life and be happy for what you have. Pay the bills, enjoy the love she gives you and be happy with what you have...because nothing is perfect and life is too short to worry.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (23 September 2013):
Denizen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is so much value in the answers I have received – and so promptly – thank you.
I have to say right off the bat that I am not wealthy so that while I provide security it isn’t that much financially. I have offered her a cheap loan of a few thousand so that she can get her house done up, and it has so far been refused.
I have had concerns about getting older. When she is my age, I will be in my 80s. I have seen this work for a friend of mine. He was nearly 90 when he died and his wife is 26 years younger. They were happy together for their married life. It can be all right sometimes.
I have offered marriage but it was declined. She says she wants to keep her independence. Actually she hasn’t spent a night alone in her own house since we have been together, so while not committing she has in essence moved in with me.
To be honest I cover the household bills so that is one thing that could change. It can be very difficult to get people to talk about a problem they haven’t resolved or are putting off. I have opened the subject more than once. I have asked if she would like to spend some nights at her own house and think think hard about what she wants. This hasn’t happened so far.
As I said in my earlier post I don’t think she is dishonest. I believe that after recovering from a breakup and the subsequent depression she has found love, happiness and calm with me – and I’m not a bad bloke either. :-)
She is worried about jeopardising that against losing her independence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): OP you only talk about what she wants, what's best for her what you can give her. What about you? You're not her father and you shouldn't be just a sugar daddy. So what is it you want? Because that's what you should ensure you get from her.
The only person who can answer your questions is her. OP she's in her 40's she's the woman she will always be, there's no more growing up for her to do.
Figure out what it is you want. If you want greater commitment then why not ask her to marry you or something? Or maybe you simply just need to have a serious talk about your future together, but you need to communicate your needs to her OP and not just try and figure out what it is you can give her.
Three years is long enough for her to know whether she's in this for the long haul. Looks like you need to know whether that's the case or not.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 September 2013):
If she is a person who is refusing or is unable to grow up, perhaps that explains why she is with you in the first place. Perhaps you are more of a Father figure to her and you filled some need she missed out on in childhood.
Now three years have passed and it could be that she is realising a life without you, but it's hard to let go of the security blanket and go it alone, so it's not hard to see why you are having such a confusing/changeable time with her!!
You do not say what kind of commitment you want, but I suspect you'd like her to move in and 'stay put' rather than flitting back and fourth when it suits her mood?
The trouble is that you cannot make this happen because she is too unsettled. All you can do is ask yourself how long you can tolerate this situation?
Some people would accept the ups and downs and take what they could get, some wouldn't, but would need to accept that being alone at 65 is not going to be easy!
Talk to her, get some sort of idea what it actually is that she wants and negotiate how you can improve things between you. If you feel her answers are evasive then perhaps she IS having second thoughts about staying with you.
I do sympathise, I have a dear friend who is 56, her partner is 42 and they have been together for a couple of years, but things have cooled considerably and he stays out a lot and creates drama. She is constantly making excuses for him and trying to justify his crappy behaviour when it's obvious that he is 'on the way out'. She buys him stuff and pays for his season ticket and then he's happy again for 5 minutes and they are 'the love of the century AGAIN!!'...then off he goes again being all weird and shitty and we roll our eyes and wipe her tears.
She won't let him go because she does not want to be alone...but is it a Fair trade off?? Who knows??
I wish you luck with it and whatever you do, try to see the big picture ans do what is right for YOU xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): I can relate to this as my father started a relationship with a women 20 years his junior . They married and for most part the family were happy for him ., our father was a fit attractive man whom always looked younger than his 65 years .. They got married and for around ten years, when our father hit 75 his health declined and so did our step mothers interest . She would go out with friends leaving our father at home . I mean why should get life change because her husband was sick ?! Mostly she married out father as her reputation was abysmal .. She needed security taken places and our father had wide circle of friends which she loved attention ..I will not go into the whole saga other than to say she became most wicked to our ailing father .. And if I were you I would cut this women lose and focus on someone nearer your own age .. As she already shows red flags .. You have this image of a lost child ., I have a image of a scheming women using you as a fool .Don't give yourself further heartache end it now while you have your health to seek companionship elsewhere ..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): If she talked about "Getting her 'old self' back" than maybe she doesn't feel like herself when she's with you...if that's the case, then it's amazing that you've lasted for 3 years.
I think she knows that deep down she will be happier if you both part ways, but she keeps holding on because she is scared to be on her own...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): "What can I give her to satisfy this unfulfilled need?"
The freedom to screw guys her age (and younger) while you continue to pay the bills.
If you think she is looking for anything more from a "young 65" man than a sugar daddy, then you are sadly delusional.
I suspect the usual dynamics found in May-December relationships apply: she wants your money and you want her youth, so from your perspective you are taking up with her as a means to cling to the illusion of youth and attractiveness and virility.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): If at 46 she hasn't "grown up" then there is a real possibility she will never do so.When you say "fully commit" - what do you mean by that? Are you looking for marriage or just for her to live with you full-time and not keep a separate place? Is it possible she is having reservations about the age gap? Either way you are enabling her indecision by continuing to be her "accommodation" without getting the answers you seek. If you are genuinely unhappy with the status quo (and I am not saying you are wrong to be) you need to sit your girlfriend down and have a mature, adult discussion about where she sees the relationship going. Be aware that in pressing her for an answer you may well get an answer you don't want - but if that's the case, at least then you'll know for sure and won't be wasting time and effort on someone who doesn't appreciate you.Good luck and best wishes.
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