A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation, I probably shouldn't meddle, but I'm wondering if I should give my friend a few "words of wisdom" about how she treats her new boyfriend.Now I know, let them sort it out on their own. But maybe a few words of advice would benefit her? Seeing as she's a good friend, could I talk to her about it? She's only been in one relationship before this one, and that was years ago. The new guy (they're at around 4 months now, both 24) is putting up with A LOT from her. I assume because he is deeply in love, and when guys are in love they put up with a load of crap. I'm thinking my friend is going to get burned when the guy snaps out of his crush on her and gets tired of her bossing him around. The things she'll make him do are unbelievable. And she does nothing for him in return. She thinks her "going out of her way" and sleeping over at his place (which she insists she hates) is her being nice! I know she treats friends, or me, in a similar way. I'll do crazy nice favours for her, be nice to her, and she never returned any of those favours. It's annoying! So annoying that it's made me feel used, which is why I've stopped doing her favours. Seeing how she treats her boyfriend has opened my eyes to just how much she takes things for granted. I see her do the same thing 10 times worse to her boyfriend.If she wants to keep him I think she needs to change her ways, but should I tell her?She said she's changing him into the perfect man and he doesn't mind (I lightly tried to point out that perhaps she should respect him instead, and she said he doesn't mind). She told him how often he needs to cut his hair (of course this includes how often he needs to shave). She talks about how she molds him into a better person, because who he originally was wasn't good enough. She said she is out of his league and he knows it, so he needs to step it up to keep her.She tells him what he needs to buy her to eat if she is to sleep over. If he comes to her place he needs to bring his own food, she doesn't even spare it a thought. Then there are numerous other things. When she went on vacation she wanted him to keep her keys and bus card (why she couldn't bring it along herself I have no idea), and he had to sleep over at her place, then follow her to the airport early in the morning so he could get the keys and bus card. While one time he left his cell phone charger at his work, she was driving in that direction, but refused to give him a ride because she didn't want to have to drive him back, the 5 minutes it'd take her.He on the other hand does lots of sweet things for her, going out of his way to please her. I give the guy credit for that, and am happy my friend found someone decent, while my friend appears to take it for granted and gives nothing back! She said she starts to care deeply for him now. I know she has started to care a lot, but Im worried unless she starts to respect him he'll get fed up with it and leave her. Do I warn her or leave her to discover that even a man who lets her push him around in the beginning will eventually stand up for himself? The way she treats him is making me lose respect for her too, to be honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): Thank you for the answers, I will leave her be and just observe how things go. I'll try to bite my tongue when she talks him down in front of me... It's such a pity, because otherwise she is a nice girl, but this side of her is horrible and I didn't think she'd be this way to someone she says she cares about!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I think this is a lesson she needs to learn on her own. He will either get fed up and dump her or he will "adjust" to her ways. It's THEIR relationship. Either way, you can't tell her how to be or not to be. That is something she has to learn on her own. Now if she asks you AFTER the fact, why something went worng you can help her with "trouble shooting" and wisdom.
I highly doubt she will listen to your advice given her pesonality.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 She's going to get fed up with him long before he gets fed up with her I suspect... Of course he notices and indeed minds when she does things that he thinks aren't necessarily fair, but if I had to place my bets on this one- he's just repressing all these emotions because he's afraid to lose her. He's clearly a nice guy, maybe its his first real relationship, but its definitely the hottest girl he's ever been with... at least in his mind.
The more he sacrifices his self-respect to keep her happy, the more inequalities he's willing to overlook, the less self-worth and dignity he's ultimately going to have. Ultimately she'll get placed higher up on a pedestal by him, whilst conversely he'll feel even less worthy. He'll be much less likely to stand up against her if this happens and even if he does and breaks up with her, he'll come crawling back instantly. Because lets be honest, what kind of girl is going to be on par with the pedestal he's put her on.
All these things that she's doing are small things, but they build up... I can just see this relationship turning super toxic if it lasts. Hopefully I'm wrong, but in this situation, I can't help but feel that its not your friend that you should be worried about- but the warped path that her boyfriend sounds like he's on.
All the best.
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