A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there to all of you aunt's out there. Well the story went like this, me and my g/f made love 2 days ago and I completely undressed her that time (but I forgot to tell her earlier that I want to have a regular day with her next time I come over because I got lost when we made love and felt so great about it and enjoyed it). Then i told her what i was gonna say earlier but then she took it the wron way when i told her that i want to have a regular day with her next time i come over but instead she took it like i was saying that she's fat ugly and a slut and i told her that i didnt mean it like that and i apologized to her if it sounded like taht to her. but then today i waited for her call all day and fell asleep and woke up and saw my phone having 7 missed calls from her then i called her and we started talking about happy things then she suddenly told me that she was wearing a very sexy out fit and she looks so beautiful adn i told her that she always do everyday. but then suddenly she started to say every detail of what she was wearing and it got to me and i told ehr that i was whishing that i was there but then all she said was "no you don't i am ugly to you remember" and it really hurt so bad then she started blaming me abotu her being ugly and everything and she reminded me about what i said that she miss understood and told her that all she was saying was not true that i love her and she is so beautiful and i love her body but yet she just started screaming at me and did the same thing and now i dont even know what to do.I don't even want to face her to just get yelled at agaian it really hurt's sometimes i just think of letting her go so she could be more happier than she is with me 'cause i think all i brought her was pain and everything bad on her life and she is trying to compete with me at school which is really unnecessary to do so. i don't know what's got into her but i really wanted to meke her realize that she is the only girl i love and that she is so beautiful but i dont know how anymore i ran out of ideas. i cant seem to keep up with her. she wont even look at me when i look at her and having a big smile and tell her she's beautiful and all she says is that she didnt hear what i said but when someone else says she's beautiful, she says thanks to them and it just really hurts like this. Any advice on dealing with this problem of her? Should I just let her go cause she doesn't seem to be happy with me any more please advise. I just want to break down and cry every time (i know it sounds emotional but it's the only thing i can do right now. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Tomas has given such excellent advice I don't really have much more to offer you.
I can only say that her feelings are HER problem, she has to own them and not blame you for her own insecurities. She sounds very immature to me, and that probably means she is insecure in her body and her desirability, this also means that she may have had sex too young, she's not mentally ready for the feelings it causes. She's confused about what happened and might regret what has happened. She cannot blame herself (in her mind) so she has to assign blame elsewhere--there's only you.
Her escalation of anger when you're trying to explain your feelings is a way of diminishing your own very valid feelings and concerns. She's trying to make sure that HER feelings take precedence over yours. In her defense, she is still young and she still has about five to 10 years of growing up to do; you just happen to have induced her into getting out ahead of herself.
So you have to be the wise one here, you have to be the grown up and mature one. It's a thankless position to be in right at this point, but I think you can handle it. You sound like a caring and thoughtful guy to me (which makes her behavior all the more confusing and hurtful) so if you can manage to do the following, I think then you will have done what you can.
Either write it down or speak to her one more time.
"My love, I don't know how we've come to this point where you seem so angry with me, but I guess we are where we are. I just want to make sure I have one last chance to explain my feelings to you before I regretfully let you go.
"I think you are beautiful and wonderful; I care deeply about you. I do NOT think AT ALL that you are fat or a slut or ugly or any of those hateful things. I think you are beautiful and special and amazing. I have been trying to tell you this, but I get the feeling that you don't want to hear me, because when I do say something nice, you dismiss it entirely.
"I am hurt and saddened by this, and I don't know what else I can do or say to correct your impression of my feelings. All I can do is tell you by my words and actions that I love you. If you choose to believe the worst, there is not much I can do about that. That is your choice and your decision.
"So here it is: I love you and I think you are beautiful and amazing. I love to be with you and will always think of you as my special love. When you are able to read/hear those words and not get angry and hurt, then we can talk about things. But until that time, I very regretfully have to withdraw from you, as I can't take having my feelings dismissed without a reasonable discussion.
"I will always treasure you and our time together.
"Take care."
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Use "I feel.." "I like..." "I wish..." rather than sentences that start with "You" such as "You make me feel..." "You are being..." "You don't..." You own YOUR feelings, she owns hers. You can only speak to how things affect you. Avoid using superlatives like "the worst" "you never" "you always". Don't escalate the anger, react to it in a calm way and reflect her words back to her.
For example, "she was saying it that i dont want to see her bdoy etc etc": "I hear you saying that you believe that I don't want to see your body. Is that what you are saying?"
"she raise her rage on me and started telling me that she should just wear long sleeves all the time and wear a mask all the time too": "I hear you saying that you think you need to cover yourself up because you think I think you're unattractive? Is that what you think I want you to do?"
After each of those questions, WAIT for her to speak and for her to explain herself further. Don't try to justify yourself or your words. Make her explain what she means over and over again. Make her repeat her words until she comes to understand that she sounds a bit over the top. Keep letting her say what she thinks you are saying/doing, stay calm, stay cool, stay collected. Do NOT match her rage with equal rage. Step to one side and allow her hurtful words to flow past you. As they flow past you, note what she said and then repeat them back to her and ask for clarification. If her anger never hits a target (you) then it will eventually burn itself out, as long as you remain calm and loving. If it doesn't, she has a problem.
So when she calms down enough to actually LISTEN herself, you can VERY CAREFULLY explain your feelings, using those "I" sentences.
Don't tell her how to feel or how to act. Just tell her how you feel when she speaks or acts in a certain way. Okay? This may all be futile, she may not be mature enough to manage this kind of discussion, she may just want to argue. But you might as well get the basics of strong communication skills for your future relationships.
I hope this helps you cope with her and the situation you find yourself in. Good luck!
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (2 March 2009):
To the OP:
It sounds like you are at the point where you need to let her know that you feel hurt and disrespected. Connect her actions to your feelings without imputing motives to her. When she accuses you of cheating you feel untrusted. When she doesn't refer to you as her boyfriend, you feel less valued.
It is hard to tell whether she is just feeling hurt, or if it has crossed into just being a bully and losing respect for you.
Tell her you are sorry if you hurt her, that you care for her and want to be with her, but that you are also feeling hurt and disrespected, and you don't want those feelings for either of you. That you are willing (if you are) to do things differently to make her feel appreciated and wanted, but that you also need her to do some things differently. That you are willing to give it a try if she is, but that things need to change.
The strong position lays out your wants and needs, and what you are able to give, and what you cannot accept. It does all of this in a spirit and tone of cooperation and generosity, refuses to be drawn into the easy quicksand of bickering ("okay, we need to have this talk another time") and then asks her to make a choice, a commitment.
That's the quickest way to determine whether you have something worth working for, or just a lesson about relationships.
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell this replies to the female reader.
i asked her to stop saying it because it really hurts me when she was saying it that i dont want to see her bdoy etc etc and when i asked her to stop saying it she raise her rage on me and started telling me that she should just wear long sleeves all the time and wear a mask all the time too and i told her that she doesn't have too 'cause she is beautiful. then she raised her rage more and telling me that she dress the was she does because of me and i never asked her to do it and all i even told her was just to be herself and not be competitive and she gets mad at me if her 18 year old niece brings a freind over where i wait for her everyday.(a girl that i dont even know). then she acused me of cheating and stuff and i didnt even talk to the gril and he's the one who hugs all his new friends infrot of me.(not likea normal hug but its liek she jumps on them everytime and hides some guys letters too). and she was like "no hunny i am not ashamed of you as my boyfriend" she labels all my pics as her bestfriend even the pic of both of us and even the time we had our first date and took a pic of it. she labeled it"me and my bestie". it really ticks me off. but yet i love her so much. and she called me a jerk for calling her beautiful
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (2 March 2009):
First don't take it too personally. Women feel a lot more pressure to be beautiful than guys do, partly because guys are very visual creatures, and partly because women tend to be competitive with each other and judge each other harshly about their looks/clothes/etc.
So guys may think "why are you worried, I fancy you" and not understand why that is not enough.
Just understand that, unfortunately, it comes with the territory of loving women. They worry about that stuff.
As for what you can say, maybe tell her you love her, and that you worry that you make her unhappy, and you don't want to lose her, but you don't want her to be unhappy. You know what you said hurt her, and you didn't mean it to, and you've apologized, but you don't know what else you can do. And ask what you should do.
Depending on how hurt/defensive/mature she is, you might get a "do whatever you want" type answer. That basically is her telling herself/you that she doesn't care what you think, therefore if you reject her it won't hurt. The answer is that you want to be with her, and you want to make her happy, and you don't know how to do both. That you want her to believe you when you say she is beautiful, but you don't know how to do that either. That you can't do it on your own.
That you need to know whether she still wants to be with you.
That's how I would approach it. Having said all that, some of the fine ladies here sometimes a more "ignore her protestations" approach where I council a "let's talk" approach. And they probably know women's minds better than me. So listen for some of their suggestions as well before you do anything.
Good luck. (And just consider the insecurity thing to be nature's way of charging you for how astonishingly beautiful women are.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Hi, I think that you should get her to read what you have wrote on here so that she knows exactly ow you feel, she seems to be bitchy but she believes you have insulted her. if after knowing how you feel (by maybe giving her what you wrote to read) if she doesent want to talk, then move on darling and you will find somebody else.
All the best x
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