A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:S and I had been dating for a while (3 years) and everything was great - no fights ever (seriously) and deeply in love (first love). Six months ago she went away to university and but we stayed strong until Christmas,...when things went downhill. She no longer put any effort into the relationship and eventually told me (over the phone, halfway through Jan) that she doesn't feel the "spark," and that we should go our separate ways. She said she's sorry it has to be over the phone, but she can't come home any time soon (she goes to uni 2 hours away). I was very understanding about the whole thing. She said "i'll text you when i come home, and we will meet up to say our final goodbyes"....and in the shocked state I was in I agreed.NOW where I need your guys help...I really don't think when she text me in a few weeks to meet up I should say "Ok!" like her dog, or something. I think I should say no, i think we should just go our separate ways, without meeting up. Do you guys agree? I was thinking of replying to her, "lets meet up" text by saying "sorry i'm busy, ive already said everything i needed to say so i dont think we should meet up as it would only make this whole thing harder for me," or "I've said everything i needed to say, and you know how i feel (i still love her, unless you have something to tell me I don't think we should meet up".....what do you guys think I should say!?Theres four months of uni left for her...my plan is to totally disappear from her life, make myself hidden from her on fb, no texting, no nothing. I wont exist to her. I think this is the only way for her to realize whats shes lost. Any advice on my whole situation?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 January 2011):
Kind of you, that "wish you the best" at the end. I probably wouldn't do that, but that's just me. As for the text, that sounds about right. I would erase the "thing" from the meet up, because it sounds off. Other than that it seems good. Go for it!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): maverick (or anyone), its the O.P
what do you think of this:
"Ive changed my mind about this whole meeting up thing. You've already explained your weak reasoning for ending our relationship, after throwing me in a loop for a couple months, and i have nothing more to say to you. Meeting up will only backtrack my progress of moving forward. So here you have it, my final goodbye. Wish you the best."
I know its long, but if its the last time ive ever gonna say anything to someone ive been with for so long I might aswell cover all i have to say. any suggestions?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 January 2011):
OP, I don't think you'd be happy with yourself afterwards if you act like someone you're not. I get the temptation is high, especially after what she did, but I highly advice against lowering yourself to her level.
That said, being curt with her in a text isn't acting like a d!ck at all, in my opinion. It'll just drive the point home that you have your own dignity and are not up for it. Still, I would explain myself. "I've changed my mind. I don't want to meet up because if dumping someone through phone with a thin excuse is all you could muster for me, you're not worth the extra effort. So here you have it, the final goodbye."
And then end it. Long text maybe, but it will make her fully aware of how low she really acted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Hey its the O.P, thanks for all the replies!
One last thing...should i be a dick? like ive always been super nice to her, let her do whatever she wanted, never fought with her. when she texts me, should i say "i dont want to meet up...have a good one" or something to get her worried that im over it? lol any opinions greatly appreciated
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): dude fuc* meeting up, tell her to get bent and move on, and watch her sorry ass come crawling back few weeks or months later, they always do, iv been through this beore TWICE in a LDR, in 2 diff ldrs, they always come crawling back if u show u dont care, just move on LOL and get some popcorn. i know its gona be abit of heart ache but if you look at this at a sort of comedic point of view, u will realize that its nothing really to be hurt about, girls come and go, and u are young, LIVE FREE AND HARD DUDE! goodluck!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 January 2011):
OP, I think your plan is right on. Screw closure, I don't believe in final meet ups. What's the use of talking things through when the relationship is over? That would be like pouring salt in a wound.
Like you said, you're not her puppet and she can't expect you to happily agree to meet her when she dumped you with the same moral compunction one has when swatting a fly. All she's going to do is justify her actions so you'll think better of her--which doesn't help you at all because you're still not quite over this.
Send that text message: "Sorry i'm busy, ive already said everything i needed to say so i dont think we should meet up as it would only make this whole thing harder for me." And then DELETE her from your life. Sounds like a plan.
Good luck, OP. There are better girls out there for you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): How should I act so that she may want me back when she comes home in the summer? Rude? Ignore her? Ahhhh so hard to figure it out. Thanks for the input though guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): There is no point in getting together for a final 'goodbye'. You are right to cut her out of your life. It is the best way to move on. You will have to be strong. If you get that text, you may be tempted to meet up for old times sake. That may open wounds and set you back.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 You're hurting and grieving for the loss of someone you love -that's normal. However I admire her for telling you, she could have lead you on for months but she found the courage to tell you it was over,it can't have been easy. Her life has changed.Your instinct to run away and never see her again is also normal but it is the easy way out. Trying to punish her for telling the truth won't work, you will only be hurting yourself, by being in denial you will achieve nothing.I think that after 3 years you both need to sit down face to face and put closure on this properly. If nothing else you will both walk away as friends - I think this is the more adult way of dealing with this situation don't you?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 January 2011):
 you are still hurting and grieving about the end of this relationship. So how you are feeling is completely understandable, in the circumstances.
She initiated the break-up. She made it clear that the 'spark' had gone, for her.
So you are entitled to grieve and lick your wounds while this break up is so fresh in your mind.
The often common wish for 'closure' often seems false, when a relationship breaks down. In that some see it as a 'de-brief', to go over what went wrong, and why did the break-up occur?
Such a de-brief, similar to the kind that military use after a nasty unsettling skirmish, or something the Bank staff recive after a robbery.
For you I think a closure meeting will just rake over your wounded heart again, and give you no solace.
A 'closure meeting' just to make someone (who initiated the breakup) feel better seems an indulgence (for the person who initiated the breakup)..
In many instances I cannot see that a closure meeting will help.
Some even demand a 'closure meeting' as if it is their right. Both parties have to
want it.
The less said the better. You can't get into trouble for what you do not say. Only for what you do so.
If you want to erase her image, words, and your feelings for her, from your life, then please go ahead. Before you do write out exactly what you think of what she did and how rotten it made you feel. You can get it all out, on paper. When you have finished writing, read your words out. Then crumple the paper (symbolically recognise the relation has folded). Then put the crumpled paper into a metal dish and burn the paper (symbolically ending the relationship.)
If she contacts you tell her you have said all you need to say, and refuse the meeting. If that is what you feel comfortable doing.
I liked some of the words you suggested. Use the ones you think best suit, on the occasion you need to use them.
If you want to still meet her, keep it calm. Polite. But don't give too much away. And try not to get overly emotional. If you do meet it is likely to be tough. Remember she ended the relationship. So you don't need to prove anything. And you don't need to plead for her to relent. I think it is very likely that she has met a new guy at her Uni. Breaking up is horrible, but if she found she was not on the same wave length as you, then the relationship had changed, and from then on, it had a limited life.
Don't be in a hurry to start a rebound relationship. Rebounds often have a short duration.
A beautiful girl, sometime in the future, will appear in your life. Hope next time is much better.
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