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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife has admitted to having an affair. Over the last 12 months our life has been not good; she has a good job and works away a ot. To cope with this I started to distance myself from her so I would not become jealous and angry when she was away. She took this as a sign that I didn't care anymore. We rowed when she told me and I hit her.I feel responsible cos I never said I love her for months and I begged her to try and work it out; we also have two kids.She now says she's confused and needs time to decide. I think she's stalling and biding her time. Please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): I am the male reader in question. thanx for all replies so far .they really help me focus on all the issues.things are still very confusing.she promises that she will be honest and says she cares for me but is not sure whether she loves me. i have knots in my stomach and am not eating.I hardly sleep cos when i try i think of things ill do to the other man( i dont know who he is or where he lives.all i do know is that she met him thru work and he is seperated from his wife and two kids)please could u post this further reply for more help
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): Either you both want the marriage to work or you don't. If you do, then both of you should go for counselling together. Both of you clearly have problems openly and directly communicating your issues in a constructive fashion. Do you now realize how awful it was to withhold your love? Not only was it hurtful and unsupportive, it was an entirely inappropriate way to communicate - violence notwithstanding.
The cheating aside, your wife is not entirely blame-free either. Communication breakdowns in a marriage (ironically) happen through the efforts of both sides; if your wife were a better communicator she would either have left you long ago or worked with you to resolve the issue of her absences from home.
Since you both made the choice to have kids, it is time for both of you to face up to your responsibilities and make some hard choices. Divorce is one of those choices, but it's one that comes with damage to your kids. I wish you luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 April 2006):
 Well two things. Of course you know you shouldn't have hit her. Also, she shouldn't have cheated. Plain and simple. People can justify both things but there is really no justification.
Since she is the one who did the cheating, she needs to decide if she still wants to be with you. You have reason to wonder. You also have to be honest with yourself and decide if she does return, can you put this behind you.
You should try talking with a therapist, maybe you could get help as a couple.
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A
female
reader, mystic_helper +, writes (9 April 2006):
Well, the wrong thing to do was lash out. I understand your need for distance, but maybe your distancing pushed her away from you. Maybe she thought 'if he doesnt care, then fine, whatever.'
Any girl would
You were wrong to hit her. Maybe all you do now is tell her your reasons for the distancing and then tell her you are there for her. Top it off with an 'i love you'. tell her if she needs space then to take the time she needs, but you love her and need her.
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