A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I got engaged in February this year(2020), we had been together officially since June 23, 2017. She is a flawless woman with a wonderful soul to match. I came to know her in December, 2016 on a church outing, and I was taken by her character and humility and easy going personality(to name a few). I wasn't a virgin when I met her and she knew that and she was a virgin, but told me that she gave it up in 2016 long before we met. I wasn't bothered by that. I LOVE HER. We started talking, mostly over the phone, asking me general questions including my past. We both wanted a serious relationship which could potentially lead to marriage. I loved the fact that she knew what she wanted and was able to communicate clearly. In the beginning of May she asked me if I wanted a virgin for a wife. Given my shameful busy past, it would have been hypocritical of me to say yes. So I answered, "I don't have the ground to ask for a virgin cause of my past" She persisted on a YES or NO. I couldn't answer cause I could sense that she was trying to trap me. She already knew a lot about me, cause she's close with some of my axes at church. On the 3rd of June she slept with a guy who had been pursuing her for about 2 years, with the intention to JUST lose her virginity. She claims that a tip went in and she stopped him before there was any blood cause she felt bad. But when she got home she realized that there was blood on her panties. she says that she was afraid that I would dump her after I've slept with her cause according to her, she already knew that she'd sleep with me. She told me this just last month and she's been crying since she told me begging me to give her a chance to rectify things and to prove that it was the biggest mistake she's ever made. She's even lost weight but I cant get over the fact that she went and spread her legs while we were engaging in a relationship. I've been trying to make sense of it but I'm failing. She lied to me, that bothers me. I'm now having a hard time trusting her. To know that she's been looking at me in the eye and tell me that she loves me but she was able to do such a thing. Am I making a big deal out of this or not?Please enlighten me
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cheated on me, engaged Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 August 2020):
 I agree with FA . She ( maybe ) lost her virginity 20 days before beginning a relationship with you. 20 days or 20 weeks or 20 months, what is it to you ? She was free to do whatever she wanted. What she wanted , then, turned out to be a bad idea and one she deeply regrets now, but such is life, people make bad choices at times, make mistakes- of which they only have to answer to °themselves °, if they were not coupled and not committed.
I think the problem is that, deep down ...but not really TOO deep down, after all, you "would " want a virgin !; it's just that you know, having had a sexual past yourself, that you have no right and no logic in demanding a virgin bride , and you'll have to make do with a .. semi-virgin one. But it smarts, uh ?
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 August 2020):
 Before you were official.
Well, there is your answer. She did Not cheat on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJune 3rd, 2017
She never slept with anyone before I met her, and I met her in December of 2016. But when we first spoke about this issue, she lied to me, saying that she slept with this one guy before I met her in 2016. But the truth is that she slept with this guy a few weeks before we dated officially[23rd June 2017]
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 August 2020):
I've got a stupid question here. You say "On the 3rd of June she slept with a guy who had been pursuing her for about 2 years," Is that june 3, 2020? or 2016?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Fatherlyadvice-its only been 3 years. It was a mutual agreement to date for at least 2 years. We got engaged 8 months after our 2nd anniversary. Maybe it was the security issue, but if that's the case, then she judged me based on my past. Which I'd like to think is a little ill. I have never cheated on anyone before, and I'm not planning on starting now. Thank you for you advice, I truly appreciate it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@youcannotbeserious- I am aware of the fact that people do make bad decisions at times. And it's on her, I'm holding my end to be honest and committed completely to her. The words "gave it up" were her actual words she used when she was confessing. In my understanding, whether it was a tip or the whole shaft. It's still sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your opinions, they are indeed enlightening.
@Justryingtohelp, I'm not worried about her being a virgin or not. My concern lies on the lies that she kept feeding me. I still love her and she's trying and willing to work on our relationship, so I'm also willing to work on trusting her again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2020): Let her go.She is not ready to get married and needs life experience first.You have that.She resents it hence why she cheated.I really think she will cheat again not because she is bad but because she will just wonder about experience and what it could be like.She is rea!ly like a child in a way.Let her go so she can grow.I know it will be hard but really is what is best for her..please do not cheat her out of life just to be with you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 July 2020):
You are older than 25. you have kept her waiting for 4 years. When were you planning on getting married?
Ok here is some solid advice from an old man to a young man. One time foolish sexual incidents that are confessed promptly are the MOST LIKELY to never cheat again. Your history would indicate that you are more likely to cheat than she is at this point. You have nothing to fear.
Second bit of advice. The number one most popular emotional need among women is security. Security does not mean that you hold a line in the sand. Security is that you hold her regardless of your line in the sand. The line in the sand, that you told her wasn't there. This is a test.
I agree with every part of the advice by Youcannotbeserious.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 July 2020):
 I feel you placed her on such a high narrow pedestal that it was only a matter of time before she stumbled and fell off it. She is not "flawless". She is a human being like the rest of us and, as human beings, we occasionally make bad decisions. To me you sound like a guy who sees women as either Madonnas or whores. The Madonna-whore syndrome is well documented. Google it and have a read.
I have absolutely no idea what you mean when you say "she gave it up in 2016 long before we met". Gave what up? Can't be sex as she was a virgin, so what was it?
She made a bad decision. She cheated on you. She regrets it now. However, it was a choice she made, so now it is YOUR choice what you do with this information. Whether you choose to forgive her or not is entirely up to you. Some men would forgive, some would not. There is no right or wrong in this situation. It is down to the individual and their character. Can you live the rest of your life, knowing she cheated on you? Can you forgive and forget and allow her one mistake, or will it eat away at you until a time when one or both of you decide you cannot carry on?
It was her choice to cheat on you. She knows it was a bad decision. Hopefully that means she will never do such a thing again, but there is no guarantee. There are never ANY guarantees in relationships.
My advice would be to start treating her like a human being, stop putting her on a pedestal (where human beings don't belong) and see if you have it in your heart to forgive her one mistake. If you do decide you have the strength to forgive her, then you need to make it clear to her that she needs to work at regaining your trust. Don't just brush this episode under the carpet, otherwise it will eat away at your soul.
Good luck. I hope you make the right choice for YOU.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (31 July 2020):
The fact she lost her virginity (sort of) to another guy would worry me less than her cheating. Can you trust her again? If not you need to walk away.
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