A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife's 50th birthday is coming up and she wants something special to celebrate it. With the COVID-19 restrictions and all that entails that would prove to be tough anyway, but the reality is that I want a divorce.We have been fighting like cats and dogs for months now and I am tired of it. It is like she seeks out every opportunity she can to sabotage the relationship. I calm down and think about making amends and then she throws more fuel on the fire. Her demands are increasingly unreasonable and I am more and more unhappy.The trouble is that I feel really bad about asking for a divorce with her big birthday approaching in a month. I wish there was some better way to time things. Her birthday is a big thing to her on any given year and she has been talking about her 50th for a while now. That said, a big part of me just wants out. Why delay the inevitable? However, I'm not a cruel person and it seems cruel to leave her right now.What do others think? Should I just suck it up for another little bit? I have to admit there is a part of me that would love to ruin her birthday and crush her soul in the process but there is also a part of me that still sees the woman I fell in love with - although that love fades every day.
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male
reader, chrischris2019  +, writes (28 October 2020):
Your relationship sounds a bit like mine, though I am not ready for divorce. However, my only advice is do not do this out of spite. If you do want a divorce, just do it so you will be happier, maybe both of you will be happier. If you still care for her at all then I would wait until after the birthday.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2020): "I have to admit there is a part of me that would love to ruin her birthday and crush her soul in the process but there is also a part of me that still sees the woman I fell in love with - although that love fades every day."
How can you write all of this in the same sentence? Crush her soul?!! Seriously?!!
I think you meant the part about crushing her soul, more than the part about love. Did you throw that in there in a lame-attempt to show some humanity?
I think you should just sit your wife down; and tell her how you now feel. Without so much venom. It's likely she's on the same page; if you're both going at it as seriously and viciously as you've described it.
I have a feeling divorce is going to be as much of a pandemic as the virus!
People can't seem to stand each-other, or even their own kids! Yet people are running out and adopting pets in droves! I guess pets can't talk back, you can feel superior to them, and they're helplessly dependent on humans. Humans are the reason they all ended-up in shelters in the first-place! Abandoned and abused! Poor rescue-animals! I guess this will be their second go-round with humans. Once people come-down off their soft and fuzzy high; there will be a mass dumping of adopted-animals back on animal shelters. Once everyone is back to work, who will care for them? How can they treat animals any better than their spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, or their own parents???
You want to ruin her birthday and crush her soul?!! That gives me shivers up my spine!
I don't see how you could throw a decent party during a pandemic anyway; and still follow safety guidelines. Nobody seems to care about others anyway. I've seen it on the news and online videos, how reckless and careless so many people are. Does anybody care?
Just ask for the divorce, crush her soul, and forget about throwing some pretentious celebration. There is no sentiment or joy in it anyway.
What is wrong with everybody???
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 I have to wonder what has been so awful that part of you wants to ruin her milestone birthday? What unreasonable demands is she making? What are you both fighting about? It’s rarely one-sides, OP. It would be good to reflect on what you are contributing to it all too.
Throw her a nice birthday. After that, try to work things out (unless abuse is involved). If that doesn’t work, file for divorce.
Aside from Coronavirus, what has happened that makes you want a divorce after (only?) a few rough months? I’m not saying divorce isn’t the “right” way to go, just that your post is very vague and there is more to the story that we need to know before we can give balanced advice.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 August 2020):
 You sound exhausted. Have you actually sat her down and asked her why she is behaving the way she is? (I ask because you don't mention having done this in your post.) She sounds just as unhappy (and frustrated?) as you are. What changed a few months ago which could have been a catalyst for this behaviour?
I think, before you actually ask for a divorce, you need to try to save your relationship. Don't just bale out without even trying to talk to her, without telling her how close you are to giving up. Do this as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2020):
 I'd help throw her a party (with all the adherence to the restrictions) and then AFTER her birthday bash tell her you want a divorce.
Don't be a petty Pete.
You "ruining" her birthdays will not only hurt HER, it will come back to bite YOU in the ass. No doubt and she will milk it for what it's worth.
Maybe the reason she is creating more drama is because she knows you have checked out of the marriage.
Maybe it's due to the stress of Covid. People seem a bit more on edge when cooped up with their family.
But, IMHO I would throw her the party THEN file for divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2020): Well, your strong desire to crush her soul is very much less than admirable.
And I think you know that.
Clearly you are both on a road to hell and determined to prove who can have the last laugh.
That said, it can't have been much of a marriage.
I would like to pour oil on troubled waters and say that with a bit of a 'happy birthday surprise' and a bit of kindness on your part you could salvage your marriage.
But who am I to say your marriage is worth saving when you are embroiled in an exchange of bitterness.
Plus I just don't know why you want to crush anyone's soul at all.
Let's assume you no longer get on as a couple.
You start talking about it today.
You don't drop it as a birthday surprise.
You come out in the open and tell her kindly that you feel the marriage is over and you want a divorce so that you can both be free to continue as decent human beings leading separate lives.
But there is no drama in it.
No soul crushing and no other hazards.
Just a fact of life.
She can then plan a fabulous divorce and 50 th birthday party and you no longer have to think about her dreaded 50 th birthday.
You go off and mull over what you want to do with your life when this is pandemic is over.
It really doesn't have to be a slap in the face to either of you.
You can split your assets and find new accomodation, join an amateur theatrical society and a nudist colony and go and do all the things you feel you could fit into your life.
She will do the same.
You really don't have to distress each other with your company any more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2020): Wait until after her birthday. You say it's coming up. Is it within a month? two months? a fortnight? Use the time to speak to a lawyer and determine what you need to do to extricate yourself from the marriage with the least amount of pain for both of you.
If what you say is correct about your wife constantly starting rows with you you may find she is also ready to end things.
Lots of luck.
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