A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and i have been together for two years. We've been through a lot together and i love her very much. Our relationship is far from perfect, but we work very hard on our flaws together. One thing, though, that's really difficult for me, is that about four months ago i discovered she was cheating on me. We'd been going through a lot at the time, which is far from a justification on her behalf, as there is no excuse for cheating. I was devastated. After some time spent thinking about if i could forgive her, I finally made the decision that i wanted us to work through it together.It's been a long road but things are getting better. Trust is slowly being built back. But i had found out the person she was cheating with lived in the state her family is from. And even though i know she ended that relationship, when she goes home to visit with her family, I can't help but get that sick feeling in my stomach. I feel as though i handle it really well and keep it to myself, but i simply hate feeling like this. I still find myself getting upset when she says she's off work and isn't home within the normal time span. If she goes out with her friends, i find myself wondering if she's really with who she says she's with, and if she's really where she claims to be. I don't express these feelings of inner panic with her, as i don't believe it's fair. but sometimes i feel like I'm going through this alone. Does this ever go away? How does someone handle something like this. I feel like it's slowly getting better, but i was just hoping for a little insight. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lost420 +, writes (22 May 2011):
we know every one makes mistakes so we try n forgive. let it go since u already decided u would but if it happens again ur gone. make it clear.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): I've been in a similar situation. All I can tell you is that for me, it got progressively worse before it got better. Eventually we broke up but then we got back together the very next day. We worked at it and after quite a long period of time, you do eventually stop thinking about it every minute of the day. The key is not to let these terrible thoughts overrule everything and destroy your relationship completely.I found that what worked for us was stripping the situation down. We both still had feelings for each other so decided we'd give it another go. We worked forward with that principle, and made our relationship more casual and basic for a while (but monogamous)!!! It's too hard to still be in very deep with someone after they've pulled the ground up from under your feet. I suggest you guys have fun little dates for a while and remind yourselves what you found so attractive about one another in the first place. And when your gf goes anywhere and you don't hear from her in a few hours, or you see her talking to a guy you don't know, take a step back and consider the way you would have reacted BEFORE you discovered the deception. She could just be too busy to reply to a text. She could have stopped in at the shop on her way home. She could be talking to an acquaintance. It was only after you discovered her cheating that fairly normal behaviours start to to look suspicious. If your gf cares about you she'll be feeling terribly guilty, and if you constantly guard her every move then it will just cause even more friction in your relationship already. Of course you should not be a fool, but you can't hold her accountable for things in the present or future when you have no solid proof that they are happening.The only thing that heals this is lots of time for her to prove she's going to be true to you, a risk on your part and a great deal of sensitivity and compromise on both your parts. It's hard but over time, if it works out, you'll realise you love her too much to let this kill your relationship, even though it's going to hurt for a long long time. Also, just remember that although she strayed, she still choose to be with you and come home to you every night. Clearly you're the one she wants to be with. When the wounds are starting to close you can set about investigating why this happened, considering mistakes on both sides.Hope all goes well with you and that your relationship lasts the distance :D x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): It does get better with time and a reformed partner. But it is always better to express your feelings rather than bottle them up. After all, she put you in this position, so dont feel badly if you need to express doubts at times. Her job is to reassure you for as long as it takes for you to rebuild your trust in her. Fairness doesn't really enter into things of this nature because if there had been any fairness, she would never have behaved as she did in the first place. So tell her when you feel worried or apprehensive. She put this burden on your relationship so let her help you carry it. That is better than pretending to her that all is well when it isn't. Just be honest with her and work things out together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): To be fair it might not get better, you found out she was cheating, in your eyes the person you loved and trusted died and was replaced by a new person.You want to see the old girlfriend but no matter how much you try the new one keeps popping up. You analyse what she's saying, you become sensitive to when she goes out and who she goes out with. Now when she goes home you can't help but wonder if she'll betray you again.It's not an easy road but in both of you trying to reconcile you've chosen to walk this path together, so there's nothing you can really do except bite the bullet and trust her. But you've got to be more open and honest with her, tell her that it bothers you when she goes out and that you're still hurting, so she has a firm idea where you stand and so that if she's ever late hopefully she will let you..it's not up to you to tell her the last part but if she was truly working together with you to repair this relationship, she herself should be calling you, to say she's running late etc.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, j321 +, writes (21 May 2011):
People like to say forgive and forget but it is not always that easy. To forgive is to not to act upon your anger and to give a second chance. Time heals all wounds if she does not mess up again, then your love will renew.
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A
male
reader, Iykeiscool  +, writes (21 May 2011):
Relationship is based on trust. And trust is something earned by the other party. You seem to be a decent fellow who loves and respects his companion and I also think you deserve to be respected too. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Smileypants +, writes (21 May 2011):
 I'm sorry for what you're going through. My ex-husband cheated on me, but it was the final act of the marriage- we got a divorce soon after. My point being, I was never in the position of being cheated on, then staying with the person and trying to work it through. I honestly can't even imagine it.I remember the sick feeling, the racing thoughts, and raw wounds pretty well.If you two are to ever really work, it seems like you guys should go to some kind of couples counseling. You had issues before this, and his sure ain't gonna help. Besides, you need to get to the bottom of those issues and try to fix things fundamentally between you two, or whatever was wrong in the first place will keep popping back up. Making your relationship strained and vulnerable to something like this happening again. Hell, it could even be you next time: a revenge screw. Wouldn't be the first time that happened lolIf you can't overcome this (and I wouldn't blame you), then you need to cut your losses and move on. You're still young enough to have a whole new happy life one day with someone else, someone who would never betray you. It can become emotionally draining to put yourself through all this struggle and pain....and you may never be the same with her again.Good luck to you :o)
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