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male
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*b930luvme
writes: I've been with this girl for 3 years. She cheated and I'm trying to forgive her and give her a second chance because she realized she messed up. I am having trouble getiing visions out of my head of her giving oral and having sex with this guy. What do I do? I want them out of my head. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): the seal is broken and there is no turning back.your better off without her and she will regret what she did. as for your relationship it is doomed.women can get over things easier than men because they are heartless.men have not changed,if they have they have only become more loyal to their women.there are certain signs you can look for to see if she is stepping out of the relationship.is she taking better care of herself,did she get a cell phone,is she going out dancing with her friends.men need to take the roll of men back,one way is to not treat her like a queen another is to not care too much and another is to go out with your friends.this at least if the relationship fails you can head out with your buddies and go cruising once again.trust me nothing will matter more than your friends.every relationship is destined for failure but a friendship can last forever!!!!!!!!!!!
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 It is incredibly difficult for a man to trust a woman after she has cheated on him. It's the way we are made... we have part of us that is designed to 'freak out' if this happens because it calls into question the paternity of any children we might have. Biologically the worst case scenario for a man is to put 20 years of effort into raising another mans child... hence our 'natural' reaction is to not forgive cheating.
It is different for women since they are always raising their child. Hence it is easier for women to forgive cheating than men. Pure biology.
So you are fighting a powerful natural urge... something that is not at all easy to do.
This could be a very long post, but i'll keep it short. I suggest you...
1. Decide whether you really have forgiven her, and whether you really do want to stay with her. If you don't, then don't even try. Be really honest with yourself.
2. If you do stay with her, then you have to learn to not obsess over these images. Understand that they WILL keep on coming back, perhaps for the rest of your life. All you can do is to learn to not react to them.
3. Obsession is a very hard thing to overcome, because it feeds itself. The only way to break out is to be able to accept the images and the painful emotions that come with them, without letting your mind go racing off into the negative thoughts that get triggered by this. Don't fight the emotions or the images, just let them pass over you allowing the experience to happen without judging or thinking. It's very similar to meditation, if you have ever tried that.
4. Over time this gets easier. If you are really struggling with it I suggest some therapy or councelling. Dealing with obsessive thoughts is a common problem and most therapists will be able to help you. Self-help for obsession is very difficult
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, jabey  +, writes (22 November 2006):
You have made a choice, that is to forgive her. Now you have another choice make it work or kill the relationship further. Every time the image of her cheating comes into your head, force yourself to think of something different, like a time when you were happy and confident. We can control what we think about if we really focus and try hard. Look in the mirror and list all your strong good points. After all she has chosen you she must love you lots remind yourself of that. Then the happier, more confident and carefree you are will makeher sit up notice you and love you even more. Only you know how you feel and if she is worth the second chance. So remember every time that evil image enters you mind kill it with better thoughts, it takes practise but I promise you it works Ive been there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): Well, I know this will sound basic, but the way to get the images out of your head is to have no contact with her for awhile....if she cheated on you, why are you so willing to forgive and forget so soon?
She was the one who "messed up" and if you are still having a vision in your head then you are still very much huting and you are not psychologically ready to forget even if you want to forgive, this is the consequences she needs to accept and meet you where you are. Tell her you need some time apart, and if I were you, I would take a break and even date some other women if you want to (not sleep with them, go out on a date or two) If and when you no longer are thinking about visions of her and this guy you can then attempt a reconciliation.
This is not something you need to get over on a time schedule, it is what it is, you are hurt because you love her.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 There's not much you can do but forgive and move on. I'm not sure I could but if you want to, it takes time. She did what she did because she wanted to do it. She enjoyed what she was doing in that moment. You can not change that. What she realizes now is that you're the person she wants to be with. The other guy was a physical experience. Maybe she was confused. You can't make it vanish. Sex is sex. If you want it, it will feel good.
Have you been together long? How old are you? Try to think of this as a new beginning. If she had been with another guy before she met you , are those images in your head, because she probably enjoyed that too. What is hurting, is your pride. The images are the result of the lingering thoughts you're having. Try to build on the trust issues. Make sure she's worhty of a second chance.
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